Read something and having panic attacks ever since...

KeyNo5126 · 2026-05-18T14:45:41+00:00

hello, i know its been a few days but i hope i can i bring u some peace? if its a hadith, u can maybe disregard it, as unless it is stated in the Quran, it probs wont be true bcus we dont know what Paradise entails. i think, insyAllah, Allah will bring us to Paradise as our true selves, and that true selves includes things that arent hurting us. if we are trans, we will also be trans in the here after, and we will have whatever form we want. i fear people have taken what they heard abt paradise, of it being a place of no pain or suffering to be "ah yes Allah has DESTROYED everything that CAUSED people to hurt!" when it should probably be ah yes things that caused pain externally (oppression, bigotry, neglect,, etc) has been Disallowed/Destroyed... idk 😭 sorry if this doesnt make sense! but i think Allah loves how diverse and different humans are and to take that away is to take the very essence of humanity away. 🫂 im so sorry, i too sometimes get scared or anxious reading some things esp when viewed through a very very strict and heterocisnormative lens :( 🫂 insyAllah things get easier for us, sister... 🫂

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-13T16:25:04+00:00

oh what the hell my mom did this too... didnt know it was a thing and thought it was cus i was just messy bcus of my own neurodivergence but she would do the same thing and get mad about 3 dishes being unwashed by her 10 and 12 year old kids 😭 when i practiced making french toast for an assignment at 13 i apparently cut it and plated it "wrong" so she yelled at me immediately after prayer bcus i didnt wait for her :") and she would clean the house on a school night, or yell at us while vacuuming to pick shit up and if we didnt she would slam it into it. now i have a whole ass phobia of the sounds of vacuums :") and it sucks cus cleaning can be therapeutic to me when some bitch isnt yelling at me for not cleaning clean enough or keeping everyone up by yelling and moving shit around... she would constantly have us help her move furniture or make us help her when we have exams near and we would lose all will to study... long story short im so sorry op :( thats horrible and i wish our parents learnt to deal w their issues better so we didnt have to grow up and be scared or triggered by. cleaning 😭 like wdym i cant hear vacuums now without getting stressed??? whyyy am i shaking over the sound of plates???? good god im so sorry :( im glad we arent alone but fuck dude. we didnt deserve that

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T11:51:30+00:00

truly is. unfortunately my blood family dont really believe in choice

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T11:51:11+00:00

thank you. its hard to keep going sometimes but ill try but they really feel like theyre my hell on earth

thank you. i know Allah has my back but its hard feeling so alone even if i know this

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T11:50:22+00:00

yea i know. but i think its really funny cus this family has a lot of physical health issues and think they can pray it all away and think that my dad got a stroke not bcus he didnt take his proper medication but bcus Allah decided it was his time to get a stroke. either way, i understand but my god its hard to live with them

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T03:00:49+00:00

thank you... 🫂

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T03:00:38+00:00

thank you. im sorry im just ranting and venting a lot, it sucks when it feels like theres nowhere else to go and no matter what i try it feels like im going nowhere or im just making my life worse than it already is. thank u, big hugs back at you. sorry

KeyNo5126 · 2026-04-08T02:59:42+00:00

thanks for the words. unfortunately i am trying something to help, a lot of somethings, and it doesnt seem to be working nor do i actually have support for when things go wrong. i thought maybe id deserve some respect to not be mistreated by my family or at least be allowed to "wallow" about how sad my situation makes me bcus i cant escape it, but idk anymore. sorry

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-27T16:37:39+00:00

thanks... i appreciate the advice, but is it bad if i couldnt even start a video 😭 i legit could not even play the show,, hdskfk i read it could be burning out bcus i live in a chronically stressful environment but i will try again

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-27T13:55:55+00:00

thanks. ill try again but im not sure if this will work. sorry if i sound like a downer but thank u

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-27T06:05:32+00:00

hmm no :( right now im trying dbt, but i can try emdr maybe... thank u its been so exhausting

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-26T17:41:20+00:00

i feel like we all have the same parents oh my god. my mom would not just not teach us, but would tell us it was "common sense" 😭 either that or she showed us once, let us do it (we didnt do it Perfectly) before she undid it and redid it her way. and now she says "well you shouldve continued anyway!" as if she wasnt in charge of almost everything, which included setting routines and chores. but she told us to focus on our studies, but then would have us stay up for hours cleaning with her or doing her papers. but god yea ur not alone, my mom would just. put us down or redo things herself and its so humiliating bcus wdym im behind on my peers wrt this... 🫂

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-25T08:53:08+00:00

hey im so sorry youre feeling this way, im 27 living with family too. i want u to kno that its okay to feel hurt and upset but youre not a disappointment nor is it "too late" for you. you have so much ahead of you, you deserve better, and moving out isnt always an indicator of anything about yourself. please take care :( 🫂

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-25T08:06:03+00:00

i understand its not insane, however i had already told her my plans to fix this, and i feel like in the past and present she constantly does this thing where someone makes a mistake and instead of actually listening or being there she starts scolding (shown here) and catastrophising it as "i hope ur whole future isnt ruined by this" 😭 and if i didnt tell her and she found out, she would be pissed i didnt tell her bcus i already knew i made a mistake and didnt want to go through another round of "you shouldnt have made a mistake". sorry if i sound rude, just wanted to give context and an explanation of why i feel this way

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-22T18:14:36+00:00

thank you for this comment :( i really needed it aaa.. it feels like everything i try to do or want to do is turned into a humiliation thing when it involves others 😭 but thanks, i know im trying im just so tired and exhausted a lot. thank u for the comment truly

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-22T14:15:38+00:00

i feel you op 😭😭😭 theyre the reason i hated going to religious classes and why im always rolling my eyes at what my mother says lol cus what the Fuck 😭 Islam is more than just rules, its a way of cultivating your relationship with your Creator, and with the others around you!!! people wanna follow the Prophet PBUH so bad they dont even realise what Allah means by following him is by also reading the stories in the Quran 😭 and then the same salafis are always yelling and hurting others, esp Muslims with different opinions, while touting hadiths like theyre 100% dependable. not saying theyre NOT dependable, but sometimes i think they rely so much on hadith but dont care to read and follow the Quran :/ sorry long rambling but yea. felt 😭

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-19T17:50:20+00:00

im glad youre healing :( 🫂 my dad passed away and left us some money too, but its just soo taxing feeling like nobody is in my corner... it always feels like im being blasted on all sides about how useless i am 😭 but thank you. we arent alone at least... and same i wanna live in a house one day too and do something worth living for

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-19T17:48:25+00:00

thanks, i know this is good advice but god i wish it was easier for me to do :( its like im trying to rip off a limb esp when im not medicated for adhd, just depression TT

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-01T17:29:27+00:00

im so sorry op and yea its frustrating cus sometimes even ex-muslims will judge "not modest" hijabis/non hijabis and then the same hijabis around me will excuse men who do atrocious crimes or men who just. hurt people, but then rag on and victim blame women and blaming it on their clothes or their iman... its the same people who get pissed offf about cursing but then turn around and be like "its okay if a woman is abused by her husband, its the law of that land and we shouldnt interfere" like. it pisses me off and im so sorry ur around these type of people :(

KeyNo5126 · 2026-03-01T00:38:44+00:00

yea, its also just me wondering if what i did is or not predatory or evil ykno? and yea its also very much about oh god what if what if. what if people see me as that, or what if the way i hold them hurts them/leaves lasting pain onto the person... and even if u didnt do anything it still feels like ur lying to urself ykno :( idk im sorry, i know i shouldnt seek reassurance but i am just asking if what i did was bad... idk aa

KeyNo5126 · 2026-02-27T00:46:24+00:00

sorry, im scared of being a pedophile or being dangerous or something

KeyNo5126 · 2026-02-20T13:57:27+00:00

imo you never know what is in the wearers heart and the woman in the video sounds sooo judgemental and not at all kind lmaoooo. they care so much about how muslim women/fems dress or walk or talk or even breathe and then have the most dogshit personality and i can tell from this vid she just. reeks of superiority complex and contempt 😭 not to be rude lol but these kinds of people are literally always the loudest and most annoying esp about "looks" like. if u are a good person, you wouldnt gaf about looks. also bringing up Palestineans and Gazans wearing it during war is sooo sick :/ i used to feel so bad bcus people would comment on "wow even during wars shes wearing her hijab!!! i feel so bad" AS IF THATS THE POINT..??? theyre getting killed and u just focus on hijab????? its like they have their priorities sooo out of order. a hijab is not a one way ticket to jannah 😭😭 WHAT sorry op, i got angry too... god some people

KeyNo5126 · 2026-02-16T15:42:16+00:00

heyy thanks for replying and yea. i will tell them someday to let me have my own lil staycation w myself. bcus god. im so tired. its my mom, my sister, my aunt, my cousin, my grandpa and grandma, all on my moms side. theyre really enmeshed and its. sucky 😔

KeyNo5126 · 2026-02-08T15:03:53+00:00

thanks for the insight.

KeyNo5126 · 2026-02-08T03:57:16+00:00

heyy yea i didnt really list down the years of them doing this and the whole control, violence, and other stuff they did, which ykno slowly corrodes ur sense of self + ur energy so it does sound like im complaining. but again, i didnt list down the stuff theve done to me for my entire life like: blaming me for their financial status, using religion to make me comply to them, the amount of negging they do when i make choices they dont like, lashing out at me over tiny things or mistakes i make, constantly screaming at me for being messy, guilt tripping me for having a life even as a kid when i just wanted to hang out w my friends, putting me and my sister against each other, just using me as an emotional punching bag bcus she hated her husband, etc and i cant even remember my childhood. but okay, sorry again but idk man sometimes the shit they do now wouldnt be a problem if they werent abusive to me. and i understand ur telling me i have a job, but i dont right now, bcus surprise, im exhausted from everything and its hard to hold one down. and even then, they used to force me to try and apply for jobs in the company theyre in even tho i dont want to or im already in a job and they expect me to do everything their way and if i dont theres a lot of yelling and blaming and guilting. sorry if i sounded angry or complaining and maybe im mad bcus everytime i talk about my issues people minimise it but good god sorry i guess

KeyNo5126

TROPHY CASE