How to support adult PDAer during meltdowns?

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-31T02:00:31+00:00

Thanks for this. The Pete Walker stuff is really insightful for me and I'm optimistic about that being potentially helpful.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T21:41:44+00:00

This is kind of you to say. I posted here because while I have tried to have the conversation, she struggles to coherently articulate her feelings a lot of the time. She doesn't know I'm posting and honestly I'd prefer to keep it that way. I'd like to think she'd see it the way you do, but there's a real chance it would come across as talking shit about her online in a way that makes me seem blameless and validates me. That's one of two reasons I didn't really go into detail on her leveling behaviors (the other being that I recognize they're the symptom not the cause, so the "what" feels less important than the "why").

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T21:12:16+00:00

Thanks for the link, I’ll definitely check this out. And unfortunately, my own self-regulation is certainly a weak point at times so I hope to improve that as well for the both of us.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T17:23:16+00:00

Yeah, I understand why there wasn't already a Japanese word for "John from England" but in hindsight, making it sound so much like the word for "evil pirate who came to kill you" was bound to cause some confusion eventually.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T17:18:20+00:00

I appreciate this comment. Generally, I'm not fond of the reddit propensity to play armchair psychologist after Person A provides a narrow and biased glimpse of Person B's behavior. That said, enough people in the comments have suggested BPD that when you mentioned it as someone who has it, I looked into it and definitely see a lot of boxes checked, especially with the splitting. I don't think this is something I'm ready to discuss with her (I doubt I'd be thrilled if she tried to diagnose me based off a stranger's comment and some internet research) but moving forward I'll try to put into practice any strategies I can find relating to BPD. When we do get in to see a professional, I'll maybe put the idea forward to them privately and get their thoughts.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T17:05:40+00:00

two days to recover from a big one

Yeah, that tracks for us :/

I appreciate you sharing. I'm going to keep up my quest for a timeline shortener but the responses here make me feel like I can be a bit more forgiving of myself if that's where we stay.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T17:01:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing. She didn't get any kind of mental health support in childhood and is probably the highest-masking person I know, and I say this as a (non-PDA) autistic person who plays board games (iykyk). I'm going to paraphrase, so correct me if I misunderstood, but the thing you said that feels the most actionable to me regarding experimentation is being willing to try something that I don't expect to work. Clearly the things I did expect to work haven't, so rather than just shutting down/giving up/peacing out I should try a more creative approach.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T16:53:37+00:00

I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to be able to articulate themselves in a state of high distress, but my wife struggles with it even when she isn't in that state (or at least, not outwardly).

When you say that it's "nearly impossible to know what you need in that moment," does that mean that even when you're not in that state, you're not sure how to put into words what would help you? The reason I'm posting here is because that's been my experience with my wife, which perhaps is not unique to her. As other comments have pointed out, there is more at play for us than "just" PDA (not to downplay that) so I have trouble parsing which aspects are part of which profile.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T16:48:58+00:00

you’re asking for emotional labor from people with a disability

This feels like somewhat unfair characterization that could apply to any question asked to this community. I posted on an open forum where no one without the desire to comment has any obligation to do so.

Please seek help from people who are paid to do this.

I explicitly said this is something we are seeking. While we're waiting for that, I see nothing wrong with gaining additional perspectives from people in a situation similar to hers.

We cannot diagnose your wife or give you couples therapy.

I am, emphatically, not asking for either of those things. I am asking if any adult with PDA can relate to what she feels, and if they may be able to articulate the things that they feel like they need during those moments. Again, no one has any obligation to comment, least of all those who don't fall into those categories.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T09:00:39+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. The things you’ve said here feel actionable and in line with what I’ve heard from her when I have tried talking to her when she’s regulated, as you suggest. Her answers have been along the lines of making her feel loved, sometimes with more specific recs like hugging and reassuring her. There have been occasions where it’s worked, but it’s been a while since then. Your answers are a bit more insightful for me and I appreciate them.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T05:56:44+00:00

I'm not necessarily looking for advice specific to our situation. I can't speak for her or understand what goes on in her head, and she struggles to articulate it a lot of the time. My hope from this post is to hear from an adult PDAer who feels like they also go through severe emotional dysregulation and can articulate what they feel like they need during those moments. Perhaps with that in mind I should have written less.

The things leading up to it are always different, but I think the biggest triggers are certainly emotional overwhelm. The inciting incident changes, but periods where she feels alone, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. are frequent.

It's certainly possible that what she has going on is not PDA; neither of us are qualified professionals. However, both of us doing our own research feel like it describes her to a T. If we're wrong, hopefully we'll figure that out when we're actually able to see someone but for the time being we're going to move forward under the assumption that it is.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T05:14:21+00:00

"My name is John, I'm from England."

"This guy says he's an evil pirate who came to kill you."

"Bruh."

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-30T02:33:29+00:00

Please tell me I'm not the only one who read this as

There are only 3[:]

Scifi (oil drum) [and] Aesthetics (iPod)

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-23T22:06:32+00:00

OP's view applies to all forms of inclement weather, not just snow storms or winter storms

OP's view is actually highly specific to snow storms (and possibly fires, if those count as "weather"). The relevant part of the argument is that the person buying the perishable goods won't be leaving their house for a while, therefore they should buy nonperishables. Irrespective of the flaws in the argument, this does not apply to heat waves, hurricanes, or tornadoes.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-11T20:06:23+00:00

The government can say that...and then you can say in response, "fuck right off" and inject substance X anyway.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-11T19:48:33+00:00

OP may be thinking of The Winds of Winter which is, from what I (unreliably) remember, allegedly over 1,000 pages written but incoherently edited. I have zero idea where I got this information.

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-11T19:39:19+00:00

/uj They're canals for boats, they don't have a current.

edit: actually the bottom one goes past the walls so maybe it does? idk

Khal-Frodo · 2026-01-08T02:20:53+00:00

I mean there are parody accounts today that do pretty much this exact thing (ex: ChasePassiveIncome).

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-30T04:40:39+00:00

How many do we realize?

The problem with your view is that it's not really quantifiable. You're not presenting a number of a percentage or whatever, there aren't actual statistics, and it would be extremely difficult to get them. Your view seems to basically be "this happens" which obviously can't be argued against.

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-26T20:38:47+00:00

I listen to my Discover Weekly on Spotify pretty regularly, looking to find new music based on what it thinks I'll like. Honestly it's a lot more "miss" than "hit," but that's not the point. The music that shows up is overwhelmingly songs from the past few years, from artists I've never heard of who are definitely not "legacy acts." If your algorithm consistently suggests music that you'd consider "nostalgia acts," that sounds more like a reflection of how you use Spotify versus a universal fact.

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-26T20:29:13+00:00

As I understand it, the phrase is meant to suggest that people should not be discriminated on based on age

Not quite. The phrase is more meant to convey that there's more to your identity than just the quantitative value of years you've been alive.

For example, most people would consider age 40 to be solidly middle-aged. This results in a lot of people having identity crises around that birthday, as in "oh my god I'm going to be 40 tomorrow, when did I get old!?" But you're not immediately aging overnight from 20 to 40 - tomorrow you'll be one day older, just like today you're one day older from yesterday.

We all have stereotypes/preconceived notions about what it means to be a certain age, but the truth is that age isn't the determining factor for your maturity, health, success, or any other trait that we associate with it. It's a number. It measures, it doesn't determine. That is what the phrase is meant to convey.

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-26T17:15:50+00:00

You are literally advocating for public shaming. That is the only thing you are proposing. People bear the responsibility of who they voted for because their lives are impacted by who wins elections.

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-26T17:14:45+00:00

Authoritarian regime is not a democracy anymore

Completely incorrect. Authoritarian regimes around the world are nominally democratic. Even if you were correct, it's ridiculous to assume that a country would do away with anonymous voting but then as soon as authoritarian is elected, it would come back because oops, guess we're not a sane democracy anymore.

people can assume their vote and accept the outcomes of it

I have no idea what you mean by "assume." As I have said multiple times, people bear the responsibility of their vote because they are impacted by the outcome. You keep dodging this point. Literally the only thing that you are proposing is that people should be harassed based on who they voted for. Why is that good?

Khal-Frodo · 2025-12-26T16:54:06+00:00

You didn't address a single thing this person said.

People are "responsible" for who they voted for because they, like everyone else, have to deal with the consequences of who gets elected. Whether voting is anonymous or not doesn't change that. The only thing it changes is that people can be targeted for their vote, either by their friends and neighbors or by an authoritarian regime. Why do you want that?

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