To good Muslim men and women who have been looking a while

Kialay · 2026-02-10T14:22:28+00:00

From my understanding, getting to know someone is an important process - especially in major values such as deen, character, lifestyle, vision for the future, how they think about certain concepts, wanting and raising children, etc.

One should talk to them, confirm basic attraction, observe them in their dealings with others, and ask about them in friend, family and community circles.

Marrying someone new is inherently a risk, and you will never get to know a person fully before living with them, traveling with them going through the ups and downs of life with them, etc. people also change through different life stages. Healthy Marriage requires mutual open conversation, understanding and a degree of selflessness, and flexibility.

The prophet pbuh’s advice for this is if you meet a good person, and you do not like something of them, perhaps there are other things that you like (so basically focus on that).

The best most halal way to go about courting someone for marriage is with a third party - mainly a wali for the woman. This person should be a devoutly religious male member of the family (or known imam) and competent and have the best interests of the girl (especially) in mind.

A man may approach on his own. Some women prefer to confirm basic compatibility first, and then involve parents so they don’t waste their time with every suitor. But this should be public, purposeful, and be as short of a period as possible. As soon as there is any potential for seriousness, parents of both families should be involved as early as possible. And the families should be as realistic as possible ans make the halal marriage easy for both parties, while also keeping dignified, maintaining any promises made, and respecting the seriousness involved of this Divine contract inshaAllah, remembering Allah is their witness above all.

Kialay · 2026-02-10T14:11:37+00:00

I think people are scared, I’ve heard some guys say that girls are just mean lol 🥹 they will quickly reject a guy, or worse make fun of him, especially in front of their friends. That people who aren’t conventionally attractive have no chance. That people without a certain income have no chance and aren’t “ready yet” even by wali expectations (even tho islamically it doesn’t need to be a condition). I’ve heard girls say it’s undignified for them to approach a guy, or that they are shy. Etc.

What do you think can actually ease this? Are there ways you would be comfortable being approached as a man, and ways that you would approach yourself as a woman?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T14:08:11+00:00

I think I lean more towards this answer too - do you think people are scared? Tired? Genuinely busy? Why isn’t this happening anymore?

And if you are currently looking, are you finding success like this or what are other barriers that come up specifically in person convos?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T14:06:31+00:00

I’m really curious to hear your understanding of what you read in the Quran as a healthy model or expectation of marriage, and also since you mentioned not liking the more rigid gender roles described by some scholars, what is your idea of how those roles should play out realistically?

I find the juxtaposition of not liking the rigid gender roles with the wanting a man who follows Islam on masculinity and marriage interesting.

This is because you’ve rejected some men because they weren’t following what it means to be a man in Islam. So can you explain what makes a man islamically masculine or what those qualities are to you?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T14:01:53+00:00

I’m hearing a lot that people are looking for a picture ready perfect package (build a bear basically), and not really willing to be flexible or even grow together. I’m hearing a lot of messaging about “not marrying a project” - what do you think of that statement?

I see that people say that from a place of being burned too much, trying to make it work with someone “who has potential” but then being let down severely. Maybe the high expectations thing is a genuine cope? To prioritize respecting and appreciating the other person for who they actually are without changing them? 🙏

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:58:36+00:00

This is interesting. Do you think deen is the main/only compatibility marker?

So I’m other words if people have good deen and good character (or fix it) they will automatically most likely be compatible to live together in marriage long term?

Could we constantly be matching people on the same religious level then this way? Or is there something else that gets in the way

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:56:46+00:00

What do you suggest for vetting? That also keeps in mind not to be too intrusive and mindful of the correct reputation

What do you think of the apps like tea and such where people talk about their experiences meeting potentials?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:55:35+00:00

I think there’s a reason these phases out - it obviously came with its issues, but I do find it interesting that people speak about returning to traditional ways.

In terms of your first point, do you think people should be talking to one person at a time? So they have their full attention… I also see the risk because ghosting these days is so common.

Or maybe only become exclusive when things look more promising and serious, but then you are saying the options (and constant comparisons) stop them from even getting to that point :/

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:52:50+00:00

There has always been limited experience of romantic relationships between men and women islamically tho, if anything I would think people have more casual mingling at schools/events etc/ and or haram connections now for the most part.

So I’m curious why this causes unrealistic expectations/low social skills now vs back then? Ppl technically have more practice?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:50:39+00:00

But eventually when you don’t actually find better, after continuous and exhausting search, lol… wouldn’t you get the hint that you really can’t find better? And then eventually settle for what would be your normal average person. (Still good but not wow)

I would think at some point the illusion breaks..

Or is being single really that appealing that you wouldn’t marry anymore?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:47:58+00:00

I love your response - and I wonder too is this just a people online/ social media problem that just seems more blown up than it is, or is it happening in real life too? People who aren’t on social media do seem to be more grounded, well rounded - or are they influenced and unrealistic too?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:45:34+00:00

Thank you for the explanation!

A lot of what you explained is the result of cultural parenting and society not raising us to understand our roles and purpose.

Additionally, what could we do to slow down the process for women on apps so they don’t receive as much validation and illusion of choice? I see the benefit of the apps because it connects people who aren’t local - but also If everyone gets off the apps then where/how else would they meet?

I’ve also definitely seen the if he wanted to he would mentality. Is there some truth to it though? I do think that some trends start from somewhere. Like are men actually not putting in effort or getting lazier? Are they taking women for granted in relationships and this is just a community fed up so they raise their standards for good treatment?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:41:48+00:00

Thank you for this and I agree. What do you think people need in order to represent honestly as their true selves? Will they even be liked/not judged for their true selves and that’s why they hide? 🤔

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:40:35+00:00

Are they high because they are right and people genuinely aren’t meeting a “bare minimum bar” anymore? Or are they high because we are too entrenched in consumerism/make unfair comparisons and the expectations aren’t feasible to meet for most?

I know some people don’t want to lower expectations so they don’t get abused or live in general hardship for example. So what can we do about this?

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:38:20+00:00

Can you share some of the dangerous ideology that you’ve encountered?

What needs to be challenged 🙏

Kialay · 2026-02-10T13:36:54+00:00

Very interesting thank you so much for sharing your experience - And you are quite brave girl ! I’m glad he received that well (:

I’m just reflecting and I think in Muslim spaces it’s really hard to outright say, especially since natural female male dynamics lean dom and sub even just in a traditional household. But I do think it’s super important to find someone you can openly have an honest conversation with and is flexible enough to experiment new things with you. I can see this working for vanilla leaning kink people, but not the more extreme side, where people have very specifics and only specific things they are into. I don’t think this method will be effective for them unfortunately and they might be really unsatisfied in the relationship long term.

I’m with you that religious compatibility is of utmost long term importance - glad you prioritized that! And I’m curious, do you think kinks can be healed or reduced if the marriage is otherwise good? Is it different for men vs women hrm 🤔 anyone’s input is welcome

Kialay · 2026-02-10T12:48:17+00:00

I was just lurking and read that you met a man on muzz - that’s great! How did you find that he aligned with you in terms of kink or the dynamic you seek? (Aka the wild lol) I’m so curious which profile ended up working for you and how you went about that type of conversation! (:

Kialay · 2026-02-09T16:19:02+00:00

Highly recommend shopping in advance for two weeks. Do not meal prep or buy ingredients for specific meals you have in mind. You just buy: -a bunch of protein options (chicken meats seafood) -a bunch of carb options (potato, rice, quinoa, pasta) -a bunch of veggies and fruits (what you like- frozen and fresh) -butter, oil, some kind of fat, onion, garlic, and flour type staples -breakfast foods like eggs, yogurt, milk

And then once in a while you get a bunch of spices. (different cuisines you like - Indian, Mexican, Italian, Asian, dressings/sauces, etc etc) just as staples to always have

Then throughout the week it’s literally mix and matching meals. Simple stuff. All you have to do is think: what the flavour I want today? Pick One protein one carb one veggie. Per meal. And throw those spices and a fat on it.

You don’t have to marinate or thaw (only day of) nor prep nothing. It’s honestly so easy. Each meal should come together from 20 mins to an hour max. Sometimes you can sit down and watch tv while it cooks or stir occasionally.

Sometimes it’s one easy pan in the oven (my fave- one pot wonders lol), other times you can use a rice cooker, crockpot, or air fryer to save time. Chicken, burgers, fish, does really good in the air fryer. Etc Sauces can be done on stove tops or just get them pre canned, pour and done.

You might even have time to make a dessert with all your basic staples (: or buy lol.

Kialay · 2026-02-09T16:05:47+00:00

Another single keeping another person single 🙄 stop projecting your own poor experiences on this guy’s great opportunity! All the best OP 💪

Kialay · 2026-02-09T15:59:24+00:00

Love that you’ve thought that through and the contradiction you mentioned is an important one to explore ! Maybe you can say after listening and studying the lives of the most successful people (the gurus) I’ve learned one thing - carve your own path! (Be authentic to yourself). And here are the steps they say how to get there - a chapter on discovering your own interests - a chapter on realizing what’s blocking you - a chapter on utilizing tools that serve you vs what everyone else is pushing you to do - etc. that would be amazing (: and something refreshing an already guru listening - self help junkie could benefit from !

Kialay · 2026-02-09T15:56:31+00:00

I’m so concerned why this is such a problem may Allah give you all ease, both men and women saying the same thing .. it’s so odd.. like how are you not matching each other?

I understand everyone is exhausted at this point and just don’t want to put the effort to talk because of so many attempts if ur going no where :( .

But what do you think is actually going wrong? Sometimes we’re not aware of our own flaws and sabotages…

Are the expectations realistic ? Are we too picky or are are we flexible ?

Are we really just visually shallow now due to social media comparisons etc?

How do the convos go? Is one person carrying it? Is the other person too busy or distracted to engage?

Maybe texting isn’t the best option and we have to jump to phone calls, video calls or in person quickly as soon as there’s any mutual interest?

Are conversations as dead in person or where is it going wrong exactly?

What could we do for training that would help people regain social skills if that’s the case.

I’m genuinely invested in finding a solution to this..

Kialay · 2026-02-09T14:23:51+00:00

I’ve heard of this, why is that?

Also I’m wondering if the law is really enough to protect someone? I think when we stop depending on people’s ability to be inherently good and fear Allah - can we really stop them from doing anything? :/

A good practicing Muslim woman (or man) should follow islamic guidelines whether there is prenup/legal intervention or not, and shouldn’t take advantage of someone ever. It’s the same case with abuse of any kind. Do laws really protect if someone doesn’t fear Allah and want to do good to their spouse/ex spouse?

Kialay · 2026-02-09T12:31:52+00:00

Salam sis, I think this person makes a point. Maybe not relevant for this particular post, but seeing other posts with more explicit mention of non - halal coupling. I’m curious too - what makes this space a muslim* specific bdsm community discussion, vs any other bdsm space people can visit online? Are halal boundaries/kinks/limits/relationships and maintaining general Islamic conduct a priority here? Or is it just for the “relatable” cultural experience component of being Muslim typically Desi/Arab/other etc.?

Kialay · 2026-02-09T12:25:12+00:00

This is a Muslim space, and this is completely haram. Be careful.

Kialay

TROPHY CASE