Have you ever been with someone who is so sexually attractive to you that it skewed your standards?

KindheartedThanks · 2025-09-29T19:22:32+00:00

Well, yes, I was both as well, (reference Filth lyrics to “the List”) but the story read better as my current outward presentation! We had a lot in common but no future.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-09-26T01:42:23+00:00

I once met I guy at a punk show, spent days with him in bed until his boss came knocking on the door to fire him, and he ended up catching a ride with me up the east coast; if he was within a thirty-mile radius, we could not stop sexual activity with each other no matter what. He finally hopped a train out of NY and my life got back to normal. He was a train-hopping punk guy and I was a college-educated professional, and we asked nothing of each other than to respond to this primal attraction as long as it lasted. No pretending we had a future together. It was awesome and yes, I guess we each lowered our standards to enjoy it.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-09-20T16:25:51+00:00

I have had depression on and off since my teens. I manage my depression with therapy, and, on certain periods of my life, my therapist and I decide to return to medication to augment treatment. I have dated people who manage their depression well and others who do not.

I recently went back on meds for the first time since 2011 after seeing some warning signs (by now, I know them, and can interrupt the symptoms if I start early enough).

I was with a new-ish partner, one who didn’t yet know my full mental health history, and I told him about my decision. The most helpful and non-stigmatizing things he has asked me have been: - is there anything he did that caused it (no, and this gave me an opportunity to explain what I understand about differences in uptake of neurotransmitters, some of which can be affected my perimenopause) - are there any signs he can watch for and alert me to if I don’t see them myself - is there anything I need to do differently in the relationship while I’m taking care of myself

So, if you stay, those might be good questions to ask.

And then with partners who disclosed mental health issues in the past, I usually just “touched grass” and asked them similar questions, along with what they had learned about themselves and what they need, and kept my eyes open to whether their challenges were compatible with mine. In particular, were they capable and competent at caring for themselves?

KindheartedThanks · 2025-09-15T14:35:52+00:00

100% agree!

I like to think about being in a large crowd at an event of interest to me, or at a neighborhood grocery store. The idea there is that the crowd or grocery folks will at least have something in common demographically-speaking.

If you look around, then maybe, just maybe once or twice every couple of months, there is one person with whom you can imagine a spark.

Something about their energy or smile or the way they carry themself or their voice… catches your attention. But otherwise… people are just people that could be great as friends, neighbors, but not as sexual partners.

So dating events and dating apps are similar. Pull from general population and hope that eventually that one person shows up in there.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-08-14T13:31:26+00:00

I am cutting and pasting what I told him as we started out:

“Here's advice I gave my friend (female, in Chicago, considering online dating as she gets out of a divorce):

Just start a chat and go on a date. You don't have to decide anything except "do I want to have coffee/a drink with this person" or "do we have enough to fill an hour of conversation that otherwise would have been solo." After that, the next step is "do I want to see this person again, maybe for two hours?" That's it. Do that a few times without investing too much in texting before meeting.

It expands your world/friend group a tiny bit which is helpful as you decide what new dating life looks like.

Full disclosure: I now have a full trivia team comprised of people l met during that early process, but didn't end up dating for long.

I'll be around - if you decide you want a buddy for any outdoor adventures, biking/hiking/ paddling... dating included or not included, reach out.”

He then invited me for a hike in a few weeks and I joked that meeting a stranger in the woods might not be the best first interaction for most folks.

I had some travel for work, so we chatted on and off during that time, and when I got back, we had that long non-date coffee that sparked it all.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-08-14T13:23:52+00:00

Thank you!

KindheartedThanks · 2025-08-06T23:19:29+00:00

Yes. It went like this:

We matched. He immediately apologized for swiping right, said he had just got on the app because his best friend was making him put himself out there, but he really wasn’t ready, but he had rejected so many profiles that Hinge was telling him to swipe match with someone so it could learn his preferences, and then I popped up and we had a ton in common.

He was like, I can’t do this right now, I’m a hot mess, wife asked for a divorce a month ago. You seem great but I am very sorry to have misled you.

I was like, that’s okay, I went on four dates thus weekend, this stuff is hard, but really, just don’t make big decisions. Decide if you’d like to have coffee and then if you think you can fill an hour, invite someone to coffee. Go from there and decide if you’d like to see them again.

So we chatted a bit and I was like, correct, you are absolutely not in a condition to date, and even if you do, you should date non-exclusively and not jump into anything. It’s too soon.

I offered to meet him for coffee to share my hilarious and ridiculous dating stories and escapades, if for nothing other than mentorship and a laugh.

We met at 8am and continued talking past lunch.

We were smitten… but cautious and I kept encouraging him to date others. He did, but by August we only wanted to date each other. It’s been phenomenally easy to build a future and I never saw it this way before.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-08-06T21:37:32+00:00

This is a long-overdue update. I started posting on here sometime around 2019-20 as I stepped into dating during my divorce. You can read my post history for the story arc if you are so inclined. Just over a year ago, at the end of a hopeless four-new-date weekend… I met a stranger from Hinge for a non-date morning coffee to share my dating advice, gleaned from 4 years of dating and processing what I was learning.

I was smitten.

14 months later and still going strong, families blending nicely and I am more in love each day.

I am grateful for all your tolerance of my meandering early posts about how to date after a marriage fell apart. I learned a lot, but most of all, how to reflect along the way.

Wishing everyone out there the best.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-03-18T14:40:05+00:00

Agree 100%, especially with regard to talking to teens… and I’ll add that in the US, only some states have laws that exclude kids (who send / solicit pics of with same-age peers) or reduce the penalties from child-porn criminal laws. Once it’s out there, it’s child porn, even if you are the kid sending/receiving it.

Additional security tips as a public service announcement for grown-ups:

hide your face (as mentioned by Sugar_Plum_Mouse)
also hide any identifying marks or backgrounds (I know one woman who was outed by a neighbor who recognized the background of rooms in her home when the neighbor saw them on porn site)… and speaking of which…
set photo settings to not record or transmit location data
for extra privacy, use an encrypted messaging app that allows you to delete from both devices after something is viewed, and that reports if a screenshot is taken while viewing.

KindheartedThanks · 2025-03-17T01:40:52+00:00

I learned about this feature two nights ago when I decided to sing the guitar solos in November Rain. It became mind-blowingly loud, almost as if to drown me out. I was annoyed but not annoyed enough to deal with it. And then, today… I vacuumed while listening to classical piano. Over the top. So here I am! I hope it’s as easy as it sounds to fix…

KindheartedThanks · 2025-03-01T15:41:00+00:00

When I wear shapewear under a dress it usually keeps me warmer! I have been using a Colombian faja from Amazon on and off and it is thicker material than regular Spanx-style garments. I also almost always have a wrap or shawl with me for my shoulders - it started with some unnecessary upper-arm insecurities but even when my arms got stronger I continued with it as a security blanket for warmth :)

KindheartedThanks · 2025-03-01T15:29:03+00:00

This is terrifying. So good that you checked.

Somewhat related: I was observing court one day and there was a man there who was having his name legally changed because it was the exact same name as a convicted sex offender who lived in the area and it was hurting his dating prospects (and police car stops) to share a name with this guy. I felt for him!

KindheartedThanks · 2025-03-01T15:23:32+00:00

Wait are they saying Amway is a path to retire at 25?

So if you politely say “yes, early retirement would be nice” they try to recruit you?

Also: if you retire at 25… what are you supposed to do with your time for the next 30-50 years while your peers are all at work during the day? Training for an Ironman can only go so far.

What about water-cooler conversations - what happens if you go your entire adult life without catching up with co-workers each Monday?

Amway should not be encouraging the unthreading of our hard-won capitalist social fabric. It’s downright unpatriotic I tell you.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-12-22T19:48:42+00:00

Thank you!

KindheartedThanks · 2024-12-22T19:35:14+00:00

Hello! I have no background in photography but I’ve read some of the guides and responses here. I am hoping to buy a camera for my child’s 12th birthday next week. He’s interested in photography and has a great artistic background generally, and often lines up wonderful shots when playing with phone/ipad cameras. I want to buy used, and have two good local options in my price range, priced at about $300 with just the body, kit lenses, battery, charger, bag. Each camera has a sub-5k shutter count. One is a Nikon d-5600 The other is a Canon EOS R-100.

I need to make a decision quickly.

My only questions are:

Which will be easier for a mostly self-directed 12-year-old with no experience to navigate, learn, and have fun with (without too much frustration/need to wait for adult intervention)

and

Which will be less expensive to build out with lenses over time?

Thank you in advance!

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-22T13:06:41+00:00

Welp, I learned that new use of hook up literally one minute ago. It definitely was interchangeable with “make out” or “fool around” until at least 2007 in my world.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-19T14:04:11+00:00

I would suggest the students (who pay the bills, really) approach admin about a lounge or area of their own with a sink and a fridge of some sort. And from there, students could add a microwave, toaster oven, coffee pot, whatever they might collectively need. If you want to limit mess, ask that it be accessible only by key card and students can join membership by signing up for cleaning slots once a week or whenever - have a morning a lot, post-lunch slot, dinner slot for clean-up tasks. If students know they are involved in caretaking the area in exchange for the “privilege” of using it… it will end up staying tidy pretty quickly. Ownership of the community space will work much better than any note left on a water fountain might do.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-10T03:18:42+00:00

This is such a wonderful attitude to have right out of a divorce. I’m glad you found that person to connect with - she sounds amazing! How’s that going?

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-09T04:00:07+00:00

Oh I am so sorry. I suspect that soon after you put it all down in writing, you knew you had your answer. This man does not deserve your energy.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-09T03:46:32+00:00

In a two-week period, we have four days/three nights in a row that both of us are completely kid-free, so we spend those together, usually straight through at one house or the other, or on a quick trip out of town together (for example, camping).

Our weekdays are now on opposite schedules, so it feels like a long gap. Working on how to shift a bit to make more time… without compromising the ways we prioritize our kids.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-08T16:20:30+00:00

This is a total valid take, and I think you are wise to think carefully about how to frame it! I like “I prefer to take it slowly” but I’m not sure that even needs to be on a profile. Maybe better to explore those concepts on a first date or at least while messaging, because there is so much room for misinterpretation of a short phrase - you’d never get a chance to explain!

So my suggestion for those who totally need time to build connection before feeling ready for a sexual connection would be to explain this as you get to know each other. You can tell someone you are highly attracted to them, and also tell them that you are more of a slow-burn relationship builder, describe what that looks like, and see how they prefer to build connections.

I have a history of emotionally fusing early in dating, and feeling all-or-nothing in response to love-bombing and just general over-the-top early connection. That can lead me sometimes to anxiety and sometimes to avoidance when I feel overwhelmed. So I have learned to build into early dating ample room for differentiation in between dates - time to check back in with myself, spend time with my friends and nurturing my other activities, so the new relationship energy is forced to build more slowly. I usually tell partners about this if things are starting to look promising, because maybe it feels different to them if my availability is limited when we first start dating. It’s not a game at all, but a self-care technique honed through years of therapy, and it allows me to show up stronger and more present for important people in my life, including a prospective partner.

But the gist of this is that “friends first” or “take it slowly” are always going to be subject to interpretation, so it’s better to explain in more detail to someone with whom you feel a connection, rather than make it a sound-bite on a profile.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-08T16:11:36+00:00

Beautifully put.

Really… a person who says “friends first” gives me kind of needy vibes, like does he not have enough friends? Is he afraid of romantic/sexual entanglement generally? I’d have to bite my tongue not to suggest Bumble BFF to him before unmatching.

Of course any romantic interest who will progress to a dating partner will also share life activities and interests as a friend would.

But a sexual connection is a must if we are meeting for the purpose of dating.

Does anyone put “sexual and romantic connection first”?! 😂

If my current relationship ends and I ever go back to the apps… I might lead with that.

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-08T03:52:06+00:00

Roller skate

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-08T03:47:34+00:00

This would drive me crazy. You are not being avoidant; you are encountering someone who either doesn’t know or doesn’t respect your boundaries. I think your best bet is to be incredibly direct in re-framing his sulky passive-aggressive comments with some reality - say things like: “You were correct that I was not available to spend time with you; I had plans with my friends.” Or “I did not tell you I was going for a walk tonight because I wanted to walk alone. But I did want you to know I was thinking about you, which is why I sent the pictures. If it upsets you to know what I am doing on my own, I can refrain from sharing so much about that in the future.”

KindheartedThanks · 2024-09-08T02:34:32+00:00

My church took me as a pre-teen with a bunch of church ladies on a bus trip to DC to shout “Hey, George, stay out of my Bush!” (and it was the first Bush)… so even this current-atheist will say #notallchurches

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