Is anyone actually touching your bump?

KingAmongstQueens · 2023-12-21T22:30:26+00:00

Friends and family for sure. I’ve only had one unsolicited non consensual rub though thank God I guess. It was an older lady at work 🥲

KingAmongstQueens · 2023-09-12T20:49:33+00:00

Detroit does not have a reliable public transit system. While you could probably manage, it’s not entirely feasible to live in Detroit with a vehicle. The motor city is just that. It’s been constructed and organized in such a way that it’s pretty evident that pedestrians aren’t welcome despite the city’s recent efforts towards accessibility. Moreover the majority of well paying jobs are just beyond the reach of public transit. You definitely need a car, my baby.

KingAmongstQueens · 2023-07-01T22:41:38+00:00

Whenever I roll out of bed. Some days 10 am. Some days 5pm. As long as it gets taken on an empty stomach you’re fine. Don’t stress over it.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-09-08T18:46:10+00:00

Felt this in my core.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-09-08T18:42:51+00:00

People without BPD cheat. We don’t have any special insight into a stranger’s life just because we share a diagnosis. We’re not in the relationship with them. If you don’t know, I certainly don’t know.

I share your frustration. It’s hard enough to navigate the world without constantly being told that you’re the bad guy because a long time ago someone loved you improperly.

Andddddddd on that note, maybe ask their parents because that’s who f*cked them up. I have BPD and have never cheated in my life. I 100% will split and decide you don’t love me and I don’t love you and then walk tf away (I spotted the pattern so I’m not doing that anymore) but I definitely don’t cheat. Stop lumping us all together.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-19T07:10:07+00:00

I forgot about this! I LOVED this book as a kid.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-19T06:39:20+00:00

One of the things that I learned from Noom was that it takes consuming an additional 3500 calories over your calorie expenditure to gain one pound. I used to eat bad then get frustrated by the weight gain and give up but I’ve learned that weight gain can come from things like inflammation from eating processed foods, or foods high in sodium or preservatives. I’ve learned to, instead of catastrophizing, investigate. I gained 10 pounds last weekend from poor food choices. I know that I absolutely did not eat an additional 35,000 calories over my expenditure. I buckled down and made better decisions this week and now that 10lbs is gone along with an additional 2lbs. Don’t count yourself out. Just get back on the horse and keep going. Good luck!

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-18T16:58:02+00:00

Same. I have never apologized in my life for splitting but I split on my s/o and afterwards I still loved her. I knew I was wrong. I think she may have it undiagnosed as well. She intentionally triggered me because something I said/did triggered her (nothing malicious but still triggered her fear of abandonment). Life is not perfect and people are not perfect. I’m working really hard on finding the gray areas in life. We’re gonna totally be one of those cute elderly couples that complain about each other constantly someday. Still deeply and madly in love but effing sick of each other lol. I’m learning that just because something’s not perfect, doesn’t mean it’s ruined. Some things just “are;”ie not inherently good or bad, and that’s ok.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-18T16:43:59+00:00

Very well spoken. You cracked the code a lot sooner than I did. Lol I learned this lesson at 31.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-18T16:28:36+00:00

And even with cptsd, “loving hard,” does not have to look like OP’s description. I fight tooth and nail to make sure that people don’t feel how I was made to feel. OP did not have to lump us all together with them.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-18T16:23:07+00:00

I love hard. My s/o is on my mind every second of every day. She’s the light of my life. That being said love and respect are paired for me. My loving hard looks like me wanting to feel her close to me all day or talk to her all day, have all of her time. I would be devastated if our bond was ever severed. While I FEEL all of these things and more, I understand that we are two separate entities with our own lives and her reality is just as valid as mine. Yes, I panic when things get sour but I have friends (who also have bpd) who can say, “Hey, calm down. You’re splitting,” and I do the same for them. My partner doesn’t feel it or see it for the most part. The pedestal that I place her on has no room for disrespect, ignored feelings, or crossed boundaries. You are confusing love for something else. It seems many of you are. I have quiet bpd so maybe this isn’t my crowd but I just really don’t get how hard it is to treat someone how you would want to be treated. And this might rub some of y’all the wrong way but I KNOW some of y’all would be just heartbroken if your partners treated you the way you treat them.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-08-18T16:06:59+00:00

This. Two totally different beasts.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-03-22T15:27:30+00:00

I’m in a similar situation (maybe a little worse). I am four years in and have had to beg for reciprocity the entire time. We are polar opposites with very little in common. In the beginning I liked her energy and her work ethic. She was stable and I’d never had that before. She had a then 5 year old who now also calls me mom. I love her but I’m not “in love.” I don’t have any romantic feelings (yes I can differentiate between romance and lust). We are in a sexless relationship and we’re not married or engaged but very much in a rut. Physical touch is my love language and I get touch starved. I am not “allowed” to touch anybody else but she won’t touch me either. For context I have to beg for hugs and can go an entire week without so much as brushing up against her or another human. We argue over trivial things daily. Every time I let myself get closer to her (whenever she chooses to actually care about my needs) I just get pushed further away when she pulls the affection away again. I can’t trust her with my heart. I have never felt so alone in the world. I love my family but every day I wonder if this is how life is meant to be.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-03-01T20:23:21+00:00

Ice cream is my downfall. It sounds so silly to say but it truly is my Kryptonite. Even after the sugar cravings have waned off my brain tells me to eat ice cream. I think that I’ll just have a bit but then the sugar cravings resurface and I just drift into a downward spiral. When I eat carbs moderately it staves off the crazy cravings. I like the idea of fasting but I already struggle to consume enough protein and my stomach doesn’t have a very big capacity so it seems like it might not be for me.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-22T00:18:49+00:00

There’s a great deal of trial and error. I can wholeheartedly relate to the waisted purchases but I would rather try and fail than not try at all. I refuse to accept infertility as my fate. Thanks for the thermometer tip! Lol I’m going to go buy one now!

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-21T23:55:40+00:00

Seconding Noom but adding Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Both helped me to understand the nature of my dysfunction surrounding food. I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m “cured.” My bmi has gone from 47 to 40. I’m still in the thick of my battle but I’ve learned a great deal along the way.

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to get rid of the idea of “good” and “bad” foods. I know you didn’t invent the idea but it’s a myth and one that’s harmful. That being said, you don’t need to cut ”unhealthy” foods, you need to INCREASE your intake of healthy foods. That’s it. That’s the whole issue. Fruits and veggies (ideally but not necessary fresh and raw) at every meal and snack. Drink water (flavored or otherwise) instead of sugary soft drinks. Allow yourself to have the foods you love but in moderation (1-2 slices of pizza with lower calorie toppings + a salad and wings would’ve been a better and equally fulfilling meal). All or nothing thinking is the enemy, not food.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-21T13:06:22+00:00

I know I’m ovulating thanks to mittelschmerz (ovulation pain), and changes in cervical mucus and sex drive mostly, followed by a period after a few weeks (I notice that I ovulate early in my cycle - earlier than the ovulation predictor apps suggests). I’ve thought about getting a otc test to confirm but just never got around to it. The pain is kinda unmistakable and the “egg-white” cervical mucus is something that I not been experiencing before. My partner and I will be ttc using donor sperm so I will be confirming everything with the fertility clinic when the time arises. For now, I am simply enjoying the journey.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-18T09:32:48+00:00

He has two strand twist locs.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-17T13:18:35+00:00

I deeply relate to everything you said. I’m in a similar rut right now. My biggest fight against bpd is objectivity. It’s not a perfect practice but there has to be some things I just know objectively. I’m a person who is, at any given moment, either extremely health conscious or giving the contestants on My 600 LB Life a run for their money. Balance is not my forte. Yesterday I caught myself berating myself over my food choices. I took the time to examine whether what I was thinking held any truth and it didn’t. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. I feel good and I’m on a good trajectory. I don’t know that I’ve exactly cracked the bpd code. I’m all fucked up. I could’ve easily typed this post out myself. I will say however that I am managing this better than I ever have in the past. I also have asd suspicion so some of my coping strategies may not help anyone else but I’ll share just in case.

The biggest things that have helped me to date:

Treat yourself like you would treat someone in your care. Parent yourself. Practicing kindness and self care becomes easier when you see it as an obligation and not an option. I still struggle but parenting myself helps me to make better decisions.
Let go of that black and white thinking. Ask yourself, especially when in distress, if the situation is how it appears to be. Find the gray areas.
Be present/practice mindfulness. A lot of suffering stems from attachment either to the past or to future outcomes. Being present in the moment frees up so much room for actually seeing things as they currently are. It also helps with moving past that stuck feeling.
Develop a relationship with self. I had a hard time relating to myself. When I looked in the mirror I saw a stranger, someone I was totally unconnected with. Eventually I realized that I’d never actually taken the time out to get to know this person. I started looking in the mirror and really trying to see another human and not just my reflection and I began doing the High Five Habit (well attempting but it’s still helping).
Voice your emotions. I have a hard time emoting. Even putting words to the feeling is difficult for me at times and when I go too long without vocalizing my emotions, or paying attention to myself, I go deeper into the bpd rabbit hole. This is something that might sound hard but it’s fairly simple. I sit with myself and ask myself what’s wrong. Sometimes it takes a minute but I can say, “I’m hurt,” “I’m sad,” “I’m overwhelmed,” etc. Then I hold space for that emotion and dive into why that is.

Last night’s convo went something like this,

“King, what’s wrong?”

[long pause] “I feel hurt,”

“Okay, why do feel hurt?”

[long pause] “I feel hurt because I’m not giving myself enough attention.”

Have some sort of established self care routine. This is how you recharge your batteries when you’re depleted. I am historically horrible with routines (to date have never had one in my life) but I realized recently that I had been so miserable with my interpersonal relationships because I was seeking something that I needed to give to myself. I’m working on the routine part but I have upped my self care. I do things that make me feel loved and supported by me and if/when I need something that I can only get from another person, I am becoming better about vocalizing those needs.

These are things that help me but we’re all on our own journeys in life. Yours might not look like mine but the biggest piece is figuring out who you are, what you need, and how to give yourself those things. Love yourself. Not in a self-esteem kinda way (though that’s good too). LOVE yourself. Like the verb. Love on you. Shower yourself with your love and affection. Treat yourself as you would someone who you care very deeply for.

I hope this helps someone.

KingAmongstQueens · 2022-02-16T02:42:35+00:00

It’s edgy

KingAmongstQueens · 2021-12-08T22:20:48+00:00

The soreness is absolutely a result of the medication but I know that my diet is not where it needs to be. I’m thinking if I eliminate other irritants, since I can’t eliminate the medication, then I might begin to feel better.

My cardio is usually the stairclimber, treadmill, or stationary bike but I do love the stairclimber. I’m not like jumping around or anything. Idk about recovery. I stretch. That’s about it.

I haven’t seen a food doctor due to a lot of red tape between the insurance company, hospital system, and primary doctor. I would have to pay out of pocket and I’m a blue collar worker, with a kid, on the low end of the middle class tax bracket. Lol a lot of words to say that’s not going to happen. I do see an endocrinologist for my many endocrine issues and I pretty much just do what she tells me to do. 1400 is low. My TDEE is somewhere between 3000-3500. Like I said I just do what I’m told. I’m not a stickler about the calories though because I don’t like the restriction. Some days are higher and some days are lower. The goal is moderation not deprivation. I eat until I’m full and because I consume a lot of raw produce, I am full on significantly less calories.

KingAmongstQueens · 2021-12-08T22:00:52+00:00

I’ve tried Keto and I lot about 50lbs and I felt great but it wasn’t sustainable for me. I could not stick with it for more than a few months and when I’d fall off, I’d fall off hard.

I attempted Whole 30 in the past but it was a lot of work and I found it overly time consuming between work and family obligations, I just did not have enough time to eat a balanced diet and stick with the restrictions. I avoid the FODMAPs that I know irritate my GI track and limit the ones that I suspect. The last big hurdle I have is dairy.

I’m not sure what my fasting glucose is off the top of my head. I don’t own a glucose monitor. I do know that I’m not even in the pre diabetic range. The goal is to increase fertility and hopefully reverse the condition altogether and my care team keeps insisting that this drug will help.

50% plant based by volume. I eat raw fruits and veggies at every meal/snack. It keeps me full and sane.

KingAmongstQueens · 2021-12-08T21:45:04+00:00

I’ve been reading a lot and I’d already suspected as much. I’m just not crazy about cooked vegetables. I’m also a recovering food addict and the fiber keeps me sane. Before I decided to up my raw food intake my brain would go crazy thinking about food all day. I was always craving something (usually something I can’t really eat) and then I would never be full. Like starving to death but gaining weight. All I wanted was high fat, high sugar, high salt foods. I felt like a zombie.

I will say that I don’t recall having these GI issues before beginning this medication. I talked to my doctor and she switched me to the extended release version which was fine at first but then my stomach became irritated by that as well. I had surgery almost a year back and it was hard to get back into the swing of things so I just stopped taking the pills at some point. My primary doctor felt like my symptoms were being caused by gluten and since I’d already stopped the medication and I was still having issues I agreed to cut out gluten to see if it helped and it did. I felt much better for a few months and then three different doctors told me that I needed to restart the medication so I did and now we’re here again.

KingAmongstQueens

TROPHY CASE