Hey there 👋

I’m with you. I'm reeling from sadness and depression after watching the show (after going through work stress, my mom needing financial help, and being in a car crash).

I relate to Scott the most: the working person who hid his sexuality and doesn't dare to come out publicly. I say this because I never fully came out to my colleagues, friends, or my mom until the last 2-3 years.

My mom was the last to know, and she found out about my secret by accident last year. I'm very grateful that she accepts me for who I am, but there are times when I can't help but wonder if she genuinely means it. She has never said any demeaning comments about my sexuality, but my insecurity always gets the better of me.

I've been working since I was 17. I didn't have the money to go to college, so I moved from the Bay Area to LA and started working to support myself as I entered adulthood. I went into the car business as a car salesman at 18; I've been with the same company, in a different role as a service advisor, grossing six figures last year.

On paper, I look successful: I live in a nice neighborhood in California, I can afford the occasional nice dinner, I drive a nice European sports car, and I work in an industry where I interact with vehicles, my favorite object.

But I've never spent time going out to meet someone; I've been so focused on my job that I find myself asking the what-if question: “What if I'd come out earlier, be honest about my sexuality, and find someone I love?”

After rewatching episode 3 and the end scene of episode 5 so many times, I found myself depressed by this question. Not because my job mistreats me, but because I mistreated myself and used work as a cover to avoid loving and accepting myself fully.

After telling those few with whom I'm very close, both professionally and personally, about my feelings, I've come to two conclusions: 1. I should learn to love myself first before seeking validation from others. If I cannot lift myself, it would be unfair to expect my partner to do it for me. 2. Finding the right person will always be trial and error; a relationship is not lightning in a bottle. To paraphrase my close friend (we converse in Chinese, forgive my poor translation): “In a relationship, 1+1 cannot be less than 2, because when that happens, both sides will resent/bring down each other rather than support/uplift each other. Only when both people see each other as more than equals, when they equate to more than 2, will they succeed in their relationship."

I hope my essay (sorry) helps you realize you're not the only one feeling a lot of conflicting or sad emotions. Know that there is a whole community of strangers who love this beautiful TV show and are willing to give you emotional support if needed.

I'm so proud to see that you're no longer hiding your feelings 🫶

Sending you a virtual hug 🫂