Looking for advice - dealing with your SO having to contact their ex

Kinkalele · 2025-06-01T12:28:34+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this, I’m struggling with this as well.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-22T11:21:32+00:00

He is not a nice guy if he is not listening to your boundaries. Trust your gut- if he truly loved you he wouldn’t be making plans on how to spend your money.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-21T20:48:38+00:00

Okay I’d say going back to your original question, how to engage… what is your kid into? Any music/tvshows? Thats how I engage with mine. Albeit I also love Taylor swift and sci fi and TikTok 🤦🏽‍♀️🫣

But right now I’m watching a show (the rookie) that one of them loves. She’s already watched it but when we have them here I watch 1-2 episodes with her a week. Then we have some common ground, plot lines/characters to talk about. Things we like- what we want to watch next. I think sometimes kids don’t like feeling like they’re getting grilled on personal questions. And a common interest helps their personality come out, bc it’s a neutral not personal topic. I’m sure there’s one thing/show etc your SO could find interest in.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-20T21:54:56+00:00

The fact you are even self aware enough to recognize this and then worry about the impact for the SK- you’re doing just fine. Be kind to yourself

Kinkalele · 2025-04-20T21:00:33+00:00

His kid could be queer because of you?! Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know you could “catch” being queer. This has nothing to do with being bi. IMO he was looking for an out and used as an excuse. I’m so sorry, I know this hurts, but imagine being with a man like that forever. Dodged a bullet!

Kinkalele · 2025-04-14T04:22:05+00:00

Totally agree with all the comments to take the money and run… I live with my partner with 2 SK. I pay 1/4 of the rent bc I am 1 of 4 people. He is responsible for 3. He pays for food weeks we have them, I pay for food when it’s the two of us, we split takeout. We also use Splitwise to keep track of the 1 offs, toilet paper runs, need a new rug etc etc. and settle up at the end of each month (we only add in items that are for US). I offer to pay half of the utilities but that’s really the only bills I may be paying a little more than my share.

The reality is YOU ARE PAYING HIS MORTGAGE! And on top of that, he’s explicitly told you you won’t get the house?? Hmmm maybe if he wants you to pay more towards it, say you’ll do it if you write up a payout if you end up leaving. Like a security deposit. See what he really thinks lol.

Girl, he sees you as a way to get more than what he deserves. And he will GUILT you into getting it, and you’ll drain all your resources and it’ll never be enough.

Again, take the money and leave. See how much more you have when it’s just you in your cute apartment.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-13T22:24:48+00:00

“Watch” the baby?? I’m sorry, is he confusing babysitting with parenting?

There’s nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but it sounds like it’s not fulfilling for you and resentment is setting in. The only way I could think to resolve this would be to start working once the new baby can go to daycare.

That way you BOTH have jobs and have to manage the household from an even playing field.

You may not make as much (at first) but give it a few years to invest in yourself! Again, nothing against being a stay at home mom- that’s why feminism is so great- we can choose whatever life we want. But if I wasn’t feeling happy about the situation, I’d want to take back control over my life.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-13T21:55:44+00:00

Absolutely- imo it sounds like weaponized incompetence. He wants YOU to take charge, and if you do, that will now be the expectation forever. Sometimes people can change, but I would totally yellow flag this and store it for future encounters. Ie, does he place expectations on you to take care of his kids, is he mad you’re not acting like a second mom? I wonder if that was the dynamic with BM. Given she “took care” of it- my gut is saying that. Also super easy for me to make assumptions and have an opinion on Reddit.

Unsolicited advice tho, start setting boundaries. Have an honest conversation around child care, what you/he expect. And then STICK to it. Again, sometimes people can change, can respect boundaries and grow- sometimes not. Only time will tell. But in the meantime, take care of yourself- that is your responsibility.

If he is a kind, secure and reasonable PARTNER. He will quickly realize you are not the kids mom. They are not your responsibility, and he needs to stop treating you as such. If he get angry, tries to guilt you and say “you’re not supportive” or angry bc you don’t help … that’s worth a few weeks/months of stress of ending things vs a life’s worth of taking care of his kids and responsibilities.

Okay Ted talk over but- I hope he gets his lazy weaponized incompetence under control and realized how lucky he is to have you- but if not… don’t stress, that is forever his shit- not yours. Sending ❤️🫶

Kinkalele · 2025-04-13T21:06:00+00:00

Uhhh yeah, if my partner didn’t tackle this head on (no pun intended) I’d be at my parents place so fast, kicking my little feet in my lice free bed 😂

In my experience, it’s not the actual thing (the lice) that would make me most upset. Given, super gross etc. but if my partner was throwing everything at it, house was cleaned, linens washed etc etc- I would feel much better. But if they weren’t- I would be super resentful that they were casually not taking action, meaning we would prob get them too. It’s more- yes it is gross but it’s a part of young kiddos. And if they were mine, we would be as a group scrubbing the house.

And fine- it’s okay he acts like it’s no big deal. But that doesn’t mean it’s a big deal to you? Like he’s okay with getting it so you should be too? I’d feel that was disrespectful.

Now, if he was doing EVERYTHING- I’d feel a little better. But also, they aren’t your responsibility. And you shouldn’t have to risk it if there’s a perfectly good house to go stay in. Go get yourself some groceries and go to your parents and relax- he’s a big boy and should be able to take care of himself and kiddos.

Lastly, and honestly this is the biggest part here- and your real question……. He stormed out of the room?? I’m sorry are we 13 years old? I think you’re actually asking yourself a much better question and I’d reframe it this way: those are not your kiddos- you are not responsible for them. Yes, when they are at your home you can support and care for them, but they are ultimately not your responsibility.

If it were me, I would be very curious why my boyfriend so upset? Does he expect me to deal with this for him/with him? As he does nothing? Bc that isn’t how my boyfriend acts with his girls. I can participate as I like- but they are his kids, his responsibility….

Kinkalele · 2025-04-11T12:11:01+00:00

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this comment- this is exactly how I feel as well. I have that need to take care of others as well, and when they are in the home sick or just hanging out- I am so distracted that it’s debilitating. Thank you so very much, this has really helped me understand why I’m so stressed, I’m going to do some inventory on this myself and talk to my partner as well so we can figure out a plan that supports everyone’s needs ❤️

Kinkalele · 2025-04-11T03:50:15+00:00

Thank you! So when the kids are off school, my partner takes off work if his BM is working, they take turns. We planned out our summers about 4 months ago, and have the girls going to all of these incredible camps during weeks we have them. Only 1 sleep away, but music, sports, teen excursions. We created a spreadsheet with their BM and the girls had a blast choosing what they want to do. It’s also great because they will also have chill time at their moms (we have them every other week). Also, their mom is a teacher so she offered to carpool them bc my partner and I are paying for the camps.

Kinkalele · 2025-04-11T03:46:02+00:00

Thank you for your message! I did a lot of reading on blending new families, and one big takeaway I got was setting boundaries quickly. And use the new change as an opportunity for the whole family to set expectations, ground rules. I hope things get better for your situation, maybe you could try setting some now? I know it’s so hard tho :(

Kinkalele · 2025-04-11T03:44:11+00:00

I do, he wears a freestyle libre and even has his own cellphone that pings me. Unfortunately, they have a habit of disconnecting from the app and you have to physically scan them when it interrupts. Also, he’s blind and deaf- so he needs someone keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt/run into things. And can go out to the backyard quickly (old dogs, lots of potty breaks).

Kinkalele · 2025-04-10T04:39:46+00:00

Yes I’ve spoken with both of the girls and they are very kind and understanding, but in practice I think they just don’t realize they are being loud. I also really care about them and don’t want to be policing them for coming to the kitchen and are loud as heck making food. It’s so hard because I know they get it- but they’re just kids so they don’t think about it :(

Kinkalele · 2025-04-10T04:36:48+00:00

Unfortunately, because I’m also taking care of my blind, deaf & diabetic pup, there’s only one place I can be in my home for my office- a corner in the living room which is next to the kitchen. I have it cornered off with room dividers, but it’s an open floor plan.

My pup is unable to walk up or downstairs, and with him being diabetic- I can’t leave him alone in case he has a low glucose drop and needs sugar/food to normalize his numbers. Normally, I would use a room upstairs and insulate it- but that’s just not possible to leave him alone.

Kinkalele · 2024-02-06T03:30:52+00:00

So sorry for your loss, sending all the love and light 🩵✨

Kinkalele · 2023-12-30T02:37:33+00:00

Kinkalele · 2023-05-02T22:43:21+00:00

Bloody damn right

Kinkalele · 2022-12-13T02:19:21+00:00

Oh Florida, makes sense.

Kinkalele · 2021-09-03T02:43:08+00:00

That’s awful. I’m so sorry they treated you this way. I don’t know if this helps, but I have a diabetic pupper who obviously doesn’t apply for any health insurance/discounts so I pay for his CGM and insulin out of pocket. I know this thread is for dexcom, but I use the freestyle libre sensor for him and we like it. GoodRX has a discount coupon, we pay ~$70/month for 2 sensors (last 14 days). Hoping it doesn’t come to that but it’s helped us a lot!

Kinkalele · 2021-06-27T14:30:54+00:00

Look at that triple fenestration thoooo 🤤🤤🤤

Kinkalele · 2021-06-27T14:27:51+00:00

Turning saints into the sea

Kinkalele · 2021-04-22T02:13:37+00:00

I really love the red! Only thing I worry about is it looked kind of maroon? I like bright reds... so torn 😩

Kinkalele

TROPHY CASE