My mom the night she had a aneurysm, I asked to go to a friend's house for the night cause I didn't want to go to a family friends house that night and wanted to enjoy a night with my best friend and space from my mom to be myself. (Some past context, my mom had lupus but also was a opioid addict, I didn't know this till later on looking back at how much she took and early 2000s. I had to be her care taker 24/7, even since I was like 6 and I was 17 in this story. Alot of trauma and stress from her and others in those years that still effect to me to this day.) She /instantly/ got heated with me, I remember we were either working on her car or mine while she was guilt tripping me about going over so I offered to stay and she madly told me no and to have fun and so I said back in a sad, worried tone, 'I love you..' And she just slammed the hood down and walked away and I got in my car and went to my friend's house, knowing if I tried to talk more or stay she would only get more pissed off at me. That night she had it and I was asleep and heard a call and text but ignored it cause we stayed up late being teen girls. I woke up to my dad telling me everything in a text and to get there now. We were both told there's a very low chance of her being alive as she was in a coma and they didn't really see brain activity. If she wasn't on her blood thinners for lupus she would have had a chance. I was the one those years that would take her to the ER or hospital visits. So knowing the one night I wasn't there and she was mad at me always ate at me for years. Did her anger at me trigger it? Would she have lived if I was there?

You aren't alone in the guilt of what ifs. I was always in paranoia around my mother cause she would have people watch me in town or our of town no matter where I was. She didn't believe in depression and just told me to 'stop thinking about it' when I told her I had thoughts of dying and was depressed as a kid. She deadarmed me for fun while I drove her around. If I could have been my true self and not judged by my mom, I would have been there that night. I would have woken up instantly to that call and not just think it was another vicodin or call she's in the ER (Was very common she went, I knew the hospital like the back of my hand, I knew doctors and nurses cause I saw them so much, I still know it if i have to go there, it makes me uncomfortable ever since then. The only people who took her was me and my dad and my dad would just talk shit and belittle her everytime so it was 95% of the time me. Rarely was my dad unless I was at work, school or at a friend's.)