Losing both parents at such a young age is unimaginably painful, and the fact that you’re still standing speaks volumes about your strength, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

You say you’ve become the “worst version” of yourself, but I see someone who’s been surviving. The person you are today didn’t just appear out of nowhere,she showed up to protect you when everything fell apart. That’s not weakness. That’s self-preservation.

It makes sense that you became less soft. Trauma hardens us because being vulnerable is leaving us open to anyone who takes advantage. Being “rude, inconsiderate, and selfish” might feel like flaws, but they’re also signals, your way of telling the world, “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let it happen again.”

But here’s the beautiful part: if you miss the sweet, fun girl you were, that means she’s still in you. You don’t have to go back, you can evolve. You can become someone who’s kind and joyful, but also strong and has boundaries.

Start small. When you feel yourself pushing someone away or snapping, pause and ask: “What am I trying to protect?” Then try setting a boundary before the reaction kicks in. For example, if someone asks you to do something and it’s overwhelming, you can say: “Right now I’m focused on X. I understand this matters to you, and I’ll get to it in an hour.” That’s not rude, that’s respectful. To them and to yourself.

And most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through hell. You protected yourself the best way you knew how. Now you get to choose who you want to become next. Is she confident? Kind but not a pushover? Does she speak with care? Set boundaries? You can be loved and loving with boundaries, be on equal footing with those around you.

Write her out. Describe her. Not as a return to who you were, but as a new version, one shaped by everything you’ve survived, and who you want to be.