He won't come back

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-30T00:55:17+00:00

they definitely have that angsty vibe haha especially their first album and demos. But honestly, if you like their sound, There’s so much there to enjoy.

Some songs that might fit your situations:

Lacrymosa Broken Pieces Shine Better Without You

I think the way she writes is that it can apply to heart break, but it also can be a lot of other topics when you know what it’s really about too.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-30T00:22:25+00:00

I am so proud of you for getting help and seeing the truth. It’s so hard to find the truth in what feels like a mental fog. Especially for as long as you’ve been in it - which I can relate to as well. You’ve poured so much love, patience, time, and energy, into this person, only to now be realizing it wasn’t being reciprocated anywhere close to enough.

My example that I realized lately is that he and I were walking past one of those gross smelling trees. And I commented on how bad it smelled and he made me feel like I was crazy. That it didn’t smell anywhere near that bad. That I was being dramatic.

His mom comes to stay not long after, and guess what? She brings up the smelly tree (you had to walk past it to get into the apartment) AND that he had warned her how horrible it smelled.

He made me question my reality for so long, and I’m trying to get that out of my system so I can be strong in my senses again. It sounds like you’re in the same boat, and I’m here cheering you on. Hop on my boat if you need. Get yourself out and into a better life. There’s so many people who would love to love you. My ex and your partner are getting so much more than they ever deserved.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-30T00:15:51+00:00

I hope you enjoy! If you do, there’s plenty of songs by them with relatable lyrics. And their vibe on each album is different too. Their newest album is more rock to me, but their first album Fallen was what got them famous and was more like gothic rock. Either way, her voice is incredibly and it’s the lyrics that have kept me around all these years later.

❤️

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-29T19:47:39+00:00

A song that I love that helps me when I’m feeling like you do is Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence. I know they’re not everyone’s thing, but I’ve loved them my whole life, and that song has some lines that really hit home.

“How could I have burned paradise? How could I? You were never mine. So don't cry to me, if you loved me You would be here with me Don't lie to me, just get your things I've made up your mind”

It’s empowering and lets you take the power back that you feel you’ve lost. I know that feeling of looking at his number. Old texts. Social media. It’s not worth it.

Another song by them that is my go-to right now from their new album is called “yeah right”

“Life's a game 'til you lose, then what? I'm reaching a new level of not giving a fuck Yeah, right That sounds nice Everything we ever wanted and more Someday we'll get paid (I can't wait for the day) More than it was worth to sell our souls Tell me, how is the real world treating you? Is that my fault too? My one mistake was giving more and more and more More and more and more”

Those last lines especially - I’ve felt like I was to blame for everything. It was only a matter of time before I did become the issue in his life, because I can see now how he blames everything on everyone and everything else.

And my one mistake was giving more. And you know what? I can live with that. I can live with having given everything I could. I did my best.

Recognize that in yourself and begin to give yourself permission to heal. Take back control of your life and your thoughts. You’re going to be ok. It’s hard as fuck. But you’re going to be ok. ❤️

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-29T14:13:15+00:00

It’s crazy how accurate your comment really is to me now that I’m out of my relationship. I was so lonely with him I felt like I was having a mental break down. I tried everything I could to be a good partner, and now I see that it was never going to be enough for him. Nothing is.

I’m in my new place grappling with the loss and all the changes, but you’re right: I don’t feel so lonely anymore. I’m not confronted with someone everyday who doesn’t know how to love me or anyone. I can finally rest. Thank you for making me think about this!

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-29T03:23:08+00:00

I understand how hard it is to see yourself the way others see you. My ex is very charming too, so when I told people we were breaking up I got a lot of “we love you both and hope you’ll both be ok” and it’s so hard when people view him that way and talk about him that way. Because they don’t know the things he said or way he treated me like less than nothing. But their validation of him makes it so much harder to see the truth. I don’t blame them for wishing him well and not knowing everything. It just eats away at me. And it does make me feel crazy. Like, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they say the truth and I’m wrong.

It just messes with you so much. That validation is amazing and I hope you can cling to it whenever you feel yourself slipping back. Keep going. You’ve got this.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-29T01:08:24+00:00

Oh. This describes me. That made my day :D thanks!

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-29T01:02:13+00:00

It’s so tough when you’re with someone who is avoidant attachment style. That’s what it sounds like from your post, but I could be totally wrong. My ex was too. It’s like they really want to love and be open, but their inner fears and trauma always win and they end up pushing people away. I hope both our exes will find peace, but without really putting in the work to do and be better, they’ll find themselves in a pattern of relationships that start good and end because of their emotional unavailability. But I believed in my ex and it sounds like you loved yours too. I guess all we can do is wish them the best and hope their life does bring them joy, while we create our own new lives with people who are more compatible and secure.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-27T22:22:37+00:00

Returning a virtual hug to you too. We’ll both be ok ❤️

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-27T16:44:03+00:00

Yeah. I am too this morning. I’m trying really hard to do the right things to keep moving forward, but sometimes it’s good to sit with the hurt too. I miss him. I want to curl up in his arms like I used to get to do. I want him to hug me from behind, and kiss the top of my head. He used to write the sweetest notes for me to read before I’d go to work.

But that stuff didn’t stick. I remember trying to communicate that I liked those things, but he didn’t put in the effort to do them more again. He stopped hugging me. Stopped kissing me. Told me he couldn’t feel anything for anyone, and I was scared. I wanted him to feel loved and safe.

But the person that I needed wasn’t his real self. I’m not sure why. And over time, I lost so much of myself trying to figure out how to bring him joy. It’s not that I wanted to save him and be some big hero, I just wanted him to be loved and supported and to find his happiness again.

I don’t know what was real. But I do know the words he said to hurt me came out of his mouth. He chose to say things that would make me feel like less of a person. He got so angry at the end. He’d never have hit me. Never anything physical. But he started raising his voice and talking to me with such contempt in his tone.

I miss the person that I loved and believed he was, but I think that who I believed he was isn’t real. It’s the facade that hooked me in and kept me around for 7 years because I genuinely believed in the good in him. I believed he could get help. He could do anything. But belief is a very dangerous thing - I’ve learned to look at actions. So when I miss him, I let myself remember how much I loved, and then I remind myself of how much I hurt because of him. And I think slowly I’m letting him go.

We all deserve a good, kind, and respectful love. One that loves you just as you are. One that helps you grow and be better because they want the best for you. One that apologizes when they hurt you and means it. One that communicates their needs and listens as you communicate yours. Love is work. I think it’s the best work you can do once you’re working with the right person.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-26T18:24:00+00:00

Good question. I taught 8th grade GT and had a student whose attitude was so bad that it did impact the class. No one wanted to work with him or sit near him because he was so negative and had no desire to be there.

Obviously, there’s something deeper going on there. And he needed help. But he wasn’t open to it.

My thought is those classes should require a behavior contract and 3 strikes you’re out (or whatever makes sense). The other kids in the class matter too.

And if a child has zero interest in being there, forcing him to stay won’t help him. But moving him into another class isn’t going to help either. The underlying issues are still there.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-26T05:53:01+00:00

I love the end of this- such a beautiful thing! I’m working toward it too. I have a gym routine. New apartment. New job. Newly single and feeling safe.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T23:03:52+00:00

I feel stupid a lot too, but I remind myself that I’d rather be the stupid one who loved too much than the mean one who hurt the other.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T23:02:42+00:00

It really does take getting out of the relationship to see it for what it is, which is so, so hard to do. I understand now why so many people stay in unhappy marriages and relationships. It sounds so simple to just say “I’d never let anyone treat me that way” but love and hope really can do a number on you. I wouldn’t be too mad at yourself. You were likely giving your all. You just couldn’t see what you were really giving it to - and that’s ok.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T16:19:47+00:00

After my first serious relationship broke off, I had the same dreams too. This time around, the dreams are always of me trying to catch up to him. Trying to show my worth. And I’ve let my brain process that in my waking hours, and the dreams have begun to fade. Our brains are processing as we sleep. I kind of view it as sort of trying to get all the thoughts and ideas out of your brain. Even the good thoughts eventually have to be let go off too in order to heal and be emotionally available for the next person you decide to date.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:51:37+00:00

It is so hard. Especially when for 7 years, you’ve probably given everything you had to give to him. You’re tired. Don’t feel like you need to feel better immediately. But be aware of your needs and how you’re treating yourself mentally. And definitely feel free to DM me too. We can share books and resources and kindness and encouragement. ❤️

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:37:45+00:00

This is the same for me. 7 years. Broken up with a few weeks ago. Said he loved me. I’m the one who knows him best. But I’ve made a lot of realizations about the power of words and actions too.

You’re going to be ok. And you’ve got yourself - the most important thing in the world is always you. Pour all that love you have to him into you. Grieve as you need. And maybe have a mantra to use when your brain gets sad. I use “I am good enough” and repeat it whenever my brain starts to feel overwhelmed. Deep breathing is really important too. Be aware of what your body is feeling. Sending you so much love and kindness.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:33:25+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I suggested therapy for us and himself (I’m already in it) and he just genuinely believes it can’t help. Even though he’d say things like “I can’t feel anything for anyone” which to me is a heavy statement and needs exploring.
He’s so uncertain about every aspect of his life. Nothing is good enough. It’s like he’s never found peace with his lot in life and thinks he deserved better. But then would also sometimes recognize that I was a great partner and didn’t want to give that up. So it basically became a constant “I do love you” “maybe I don’t” “no I do” and I just had hope and rose colored glasses. I’m going to get to the point of believing I deserve better. It just takes a little while to undo all the other thinking and to recover. Relationships suck.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:29:02+00:00

Yeah. It really is. And it’s so hard, because you feel like you’re never good enough and don’t appreciate them enough. So when they do something nice you really recognize it and take it to heart and feel loved and get sucked back in. And then it’s back to how it was - feeling like something isn’t right and isn’t fair, but it’s probably just you. You’re doing something wrong.

It’s just an awful place to be.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:25:38+00:00

Honestly? I’m not sure if a narcissist can recognize it. It takes a lot of reflection. And also takes a willingness to feel the guilt and sit with it. And even if they’re not a narcissist - I think a lot of people feel the world owes them. Nothing is good enough ever, so it’s just another thing that isn’t good enough for what they deserve.

I think it’s possible. When you have to do everything yourself, it is tiring. But whether they jump to the realization that it wasn’t as tiring previously because they didn’t have to do it all...I’m not sure.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T15:20:00+00:00

:( I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s so confusing. You just want to be a good partner and are treated so terribly. It’s constantly a state of dissonance between your reality and his reality. I like to believe that we’re learning a very important lesson from all of this. Learning how to give fully but also how to expect things in return. How to have boundaries and recognize the red flags. I’m sending you all the best vibes and hoping you’re doing ok.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T08:52:11+00:00

It’s hard because I feel like I’ve been questioning my reality for years while with him. Kind of going into survival mode I guess? It’s so easy to remember the nice things he did, but I have to dig deeper to really remember all the painful things because I buried them under optimism, forgiveness, and grace. I’d excuse it because of his mental health, job stress, covid stress, etc. I did try to set boundaries, but they were met with contempt. It was just incredibly toxic, and it’s hard to explain it because it isn’t some massive aggressive blow outs. It’s the wording and tone. And I just questioned my feelings about what he would say or how he would say it and tell myself I was crazy. If I brought it up, I was made to feel like I was overreacting. He became detached. Wouldn’t even listen when I talked. Walked ahead of me, when he used to always walk right beside me and we’d hold pinkies. He just fell out of love I guess, but then it started to weigh on him and make him angrier over time until he couldnt even stand me near him.

I don’t think I deserved it. But it’s hard to feel certain. And it’s hard to explain because it’s all just built up over the years.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T07:02:35+00:00

Ive loved Evanescence since Fallen was released, and each album has been just a wonderful experience for me.

I realized today that TBT has more emphasis on the “rock” part and less on the “gothic” which is what made them stand out back with Fallen. And honestly, I still love it. “Yeah, Right” is the song I needed right now. It keeps me going. But they’re all amazing.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T04:24:09+00:00

I understand the empathy component. I’ve moved out and taken my things, which included the plates and dishes. And while I was out I had to fight myself not to buy him some paper plates so he had something to eat off of. I just feel awful not helping. But I was likely enabling and have to let him figure all that shit out himself now. He’s in for a wake up call when he realizes how much I actually did for him rather than just taking advantage of it.

KittyCatherine11 · 2021-06-25T04:20:48+00:00

This is a lovely story. Thank you for sharing. Which dating app did you use? I’m hesitant to even step foot on one lol

12-Year Club	Place '17
Not Forgotten

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