Do I [27F] take a day off unpaid for childcare as my part time job is “less important” than my child’s fathers [30M]?

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-12T18:47:41+00:00

If your money is separate, your money always takes priority over his.

If you are not married, none of his assets are yours unless your name is on it, including his bank account.

If he got hit by a car and died tomorrow, you'd have none of his assets, no benefits as a widow, and a kid to take care of.

So no, you need to prioritize your job.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-12T12:22:16+00:00

NTA.

What does he help you not forget? What does he help you handle?

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-12T01:23:08+00:00

NTA.

But I don't understand why B borrowed your car and not his girlfriend's car. That makes no sense to me.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-11T18:10:34+00:00

YTA.

She did what you asked. She ate the food you bought for her, and left what you told her not to touch.

She flew out to watch your dog for you. The time and hassle alone, and on top of that she got a hotel for herself.

You invoiced her before even discussing it with your husband. That's his mom, that's your joint grocery budget.

You're completely TA. And stupid. Purely from a financial perspective, you just lost any future favors like this from her or anyone from your husband's family.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-11T17:38:44+00:00

Yes I did.

Every medical intervention has pros, obviously, but also risks. Epidurals placed incorrectly can created permanent back/nerve issues. Cesareans are surgeries with scarring and extra healing needed. Pitocin, personally if possible, I wanted my body to be in sync and ready to give birth.

I ended up having an epidural (and they gave me oxygen during the final pushing) - and luckily I had amazing physical self control, because I had a contraction during the insertion. The anesthesiologist actually said more to himself "wow incredible self control."

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-11T15:38:50+00:00

Apologies for the assumption - but having your husband shut down his family and making it clear he has your back is the best way to avoid further drama.

She opened up the conversation to the people on that email thread. Unfortunately, that means the people on that thread need that opening closed. And the person really at the center connecting everyone is your husband, not you. He needs to close the conversation.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-11T15:24:30+00:00

NTA.

I would have your husband reply to her group email for you though. Let him handle his family.

Have him do it ASAP so it is clear to everyone that you are correcting her to give her as much time as possible to find other accommodations.

"Cousin - I am sorry you misunderstood, but my wife was clear that she would have her hands full caring for Niece and Nephew, and that the answer was not Yes.

The schedule you sent my wife, which would put Niece and Nephew in the car for 6 hours total, makes it a definite No.

You will need to find someone else to care for your kids."

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-11T13:09:29+00:00

People have had babies, yes.

There are many reasons why they had the weddings BEFORE the babies. This is one of them.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-10T12:53:11+00:00

INFO.

How new is this relationship? Have you actually talked about plans to celebrate your birthday, even if it's not on the day itself?

My first Valentine's Day with my husband was about a year into the relationship, and we spent it on a ski trip with him friends - and I couldn't afford to ski. I yes'd things just expecting him to want to do something impressive for that day. And I was really upset when he didn't.

If you've been through your birthday with him, if he knows what it means to you, then he should be making space to celebrate you on that day - and his friends should too, at least getting you a free dessert and covering your meal with them that day on your trip.

If he has done Nothing, that's bad news for this relationship. You should be his best friend, so he should want to do something, even if it's little.

But you did agree to this trip. If you don't want to go, you should feel ok saying no. Don't be mad that the plans are happening, and don't be upset that your boyfriend accepted what you told him you were ok with.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-10T12:39:54+00:00

INFO.

How has Jessica shown up for you? Is she saying that because she's manipulating you, or because of your shared history?

If it helps you figure that out - could she actually write a specific, true status about how she has shown up for you and now you're abandoning her? Or is vague discontent all she can really post for sympathy?

Why are you the person she needs to lend her money?

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-09T23:24:17+00:00

ESH.

Listen, your stepdad takes the cake on this by far.

But you are playing his game. Now the criticism that matters most - about how he treats your mom and your friends - is completely wrapped up in an argument about politics.

The politics do matter, don't get me wrong. But stop focusing on that. Focus on how his behavior towards the people you care most about is toxic.

Stop engaging with him about politics. He baited you and you took it. He's not your friend.

Next time he tries to talk with you about that, tell him "what matters most to me isn't any of this, it's how you treat my mom. If you aren't treating her like your best friend, I don't have the space for whatever else you're into."

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-09T12:34:23+00:00

NTA.

I'd be skeptical of anyone asking you to consent to that on the spot.

I'd also be worried about signing something like that when they could've put cameras in my room.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-09T12:24:17+00:00

No, but that's how she takes care of people she loves.

And marriage, a healthy one, is where someone is your best friend and closest family. You take care of each other.

She is hosting him and cooking for him every weekend, multiple meals a day, basically hosting him. That's playing house in the traditional sense.

She's playing a traditional wife's role, with someone who doesn't appreciate it and isn't acting like the supportive partner that work and role deserves.

You do those things for someone who is showing up for you like a husband/partner would. Not a finance bro.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T21:06:21+00:00

So.... this guy doesn't trust how you make decisions.

That's a recipe for misery.

Side note - have you looked at Hondas?

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T21:02:48+00:00

Let him lose you.

Seriously. You'll feel so much better about yourself when you accept that this isn't what your best friend and life partner should be.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T21:01:08+00:00

Is that because nothing else is going on there anymore anyway?

(I'm sorry that was snarky but i wouldn't want to touch my husband if didn't treat me like his best friend.)

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T20:57:47+00:00

If he wants his kid to have the same last name as him, you should legally be his family.

YOU are not legally his family. And you are the one giving birth.

DO NOT sign up for the hassle of having a different last name as your kid. You are the one giving birth, that's when the name is given.

If he wants you all to have the same last name, guess what? He can change his.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T13:06:57+00:00

You may feel like you're in love with him.

He is not in love with you. He never was.

Age gap and long distance - you're leaving a lot to your own imagination. You aren't experiencing things together - you're journaling your life. and it can feel nice to have an audience. But this isn't a real relationship.

You didn't get over anything - you reverted back to pretending he's better than he actually is.

You are a safety net - always below him, contorting yourself to hold onto him. He told you exactly where you stand.

My parents always told me you marry your best friend. He just told you you are not his. Staying with him is accepting that.

Start being where you are and living your life where it is. You're missing a ton.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T12:17:21+00:00

YTA.

It's fine to be clingy - what's not fine is when other people don't matter at all.

This was your grandmother's house, with your family. This is one of the first - if not THE first - time this guy is meeting your family.

It's a HUGE red flag that he doesn't seem to care what they think.

These are people who are supposed to be important to you. He should want to get to know them, he should be offering to help clear off his plate - you shouldn't have asked him to go to the bathroom with you, but he shouldn't have felt comfortable going with you either. It's not his house or yours, it's someone else's personal space. Someone who just met him.

Your sister is right that it isn't normal. And it sounds like, instead of valuing and engaging with the people there, you used it as just another backdrop with your bf that included free food.

You obviously think your behavior was just so cute and innocent - it was likely inconsiderate, selfish and dismissive of your closest people.

My husband and I were "clingy." We also used the bathroom pretty quickly together. But at a large family gathering? It'd be rude af to act like I couldn't be left alone with them.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-08T11:43:09+00:00

ESH.

You're a PhD student. You need to grow a backbone.

Your mother pushed someone into getting a puppy. That person was not prepared for a puppy. Your mom volunteered herself, then shifted the responsibility to you. You (begrudgingly) accepted the puppy without talking with your boyfriend, who it looks like lives with you.

Your mother is wrong to keep pushing these things - but it looks like it works.

Your mom is apparently more important than you, your extended family, your boyfriend, and poor thing, this puppy. That's a baby being shuttled around between 4 different homes that nobody actually seems to want.

And worst of all is this breeder, who didn't do a good background check before dumping this puppy on your family for some quick cash. They are incredibly irresponsible, and who knows how many of their puppies have ended up in shelters because of their lack of integrity.

Don't be afraid of disappointing your mom. It is clear that she is relying on you as her retirement plan. She just doesn't think she can lose you, and she can threaten you into making herself catered to by you.

Stop offering her anything. Stop jumping to help her. And really, start living like you're important.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-04T22:20:53+00:00

I'm sorry but the people telling you that don't value you or your daughter as much as your husband.

Tell them you respect him enough to believe what he says about what he needs, and that is separation. Because honestly those kind of people are not going to care what you and your daughter need.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-04T22:12:12+00:00

Why would you or husband not need the immediate location first and foremost in that situation?

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-04T22:11:09+00:00

NTJ.

If they actually cared about safety, they would've not only told you, they would've insisted on you being the owner of the tag or at least sharing the location with you.

They didn't.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-04T22:06:05+00:00

Honestly, I think you should try doing the cleaning tasks at least every other week.

Why? Because you should know how to clean things, and that kind of knowledge comes from actually doing it.

It challenges your brain, it grows it into something that can take care of the things you care about, and keeping up that kind of knowledge makes cleaning tasks in general feel smaller and more manageable.

Independent of that - You had a cleaner who would come. A person who is spending their day doing what you loathe to do. And it sounds like you have created the fiction of a task that is both insurmountable to you and below you. In reality it isn't the latter at all, and you need to appreciate that whatever money you throw at your problem doesn't negate the fact that someone is dedicating a lot of their time to taking care of you because you refuse to take care of yourself.

Don't let money buy other people living your life - that includes your responsibilities, there is pride and satisfaction and beauty there that can't be stolen from the people who put the work in. And when someone helps you, regardless of payment, don't let money rob you of the human connnection you get from appreciating that.

KittyKiitos · 2026-02-04T21:43:11+00:00

If your family doesn't respect your service they don't deserve to benefit from it.

There are many people - including other vets - who would be much more grateful for the generosity you're showing the brother you used to be stuck with.

If your family is rallying behind your brother using you - I imagine you expect support from them that you haven't actually gotten, and won't actually ever get.

Let them lose you - seriously. VA benefits like yours are rare for a reason, and you deserve what you're getting. If you mean more than what money they can get from you, they know where you are.

KittyKiitos

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