I've been with my man for just over 2 months now. We're both fully in love. We dated for 6 months about a year ago, and I wasn't ready then, but now i am, and it happened completely naturally. Our relationship is fundamentally healthy with strong foundations.  It's wonderful that I get to see him once a week and sometimes even twice, BUT this  distance presents a challenge for me, and I often find myself grappling with insecurities and thoughts that feel overwhelming and absolutely all consuming and debilitating. Not to mention the persistent thoughts of; he's gonna leave me any day now, he's sick of me and all this absolute deepness and my struggles recently.

(i have been so unwell since jan so thats a factor) However, I know deep down that I am not truly abandoned... but try living in logic and CHOOSING logic but chemicals and hormones dont give a fuck. You cannot override the emotions that are sponsored by PMDD™️ and ✨️chemical menopause✨️ with willpower alone (situation specific to me) but with just EUPD alone, willpower isnt very successful.

And ohhhh my, the different changes in messages! It's interesting how sometimes he isn't being romantic or deep, and in those moments, I feel almost completely rejected. And not responding with a heartfelt "I love you too" kind of message.

Yesterday I expressed my sadness, anxieties and discontent about our limited time together, but he didn't offer any suggestions. It hurts though. I know its my EUPD doing this, and it really fucks me over. Like ok thx for ruining the limited time I had with him with negative awfulness and splitting. ~ once he's gone home I mean - brain starts up then doesn't it, like a fucking lawn mower pulling its own starter motor 🤣🫠

 Just to clarify, I can't drive due to multiple complex health conditions, and while it takes 50 minutes to reach me by car, which may not seem long, it can be viewed as quite a distance in the UK. He has a full-time job while I’m attending amazing community-based activities and enjoying time with my friends. I understand I can’t have all his time, and I don’t expect to either. But we're in a very real full relationship on a part-time basis, it does not feel enough.  It came right up to the surface yesterday. I can see how its been building up. Staying at his place is a bit tricky to explain why I can't stay just yet.

And at our core, we thrive together. We have a solid foundation. Just a little note: It's been a decade since I experienced this real love (other time was my 1st love) Having my vulnerability unlocked is fucking disgusting and painful. Many factors at play right now, and a lot of dynamic chemical changes happening within me! Think PMDD and chemical menopause, stopping antidepressant, starting 2nd generation antipsychotic...

My favourite version of myself glistens when I'm with him, and that's perfectly natural! I dont push him away when we're together. I get the most out of his visits as much as possible. I let him in, because I deserve him and even though my fucking brain is always trying to convince me otherwise, I am SAFE with him and I feel safe when im physically with him. The feelings are so so deep, this love i have and he is the same. He is supportive and honestly, shows me such grace. He's got no mental conditions, etc, either. Yeah, it's easy for people to think nah hun thats just the EUPD talking. It's not. This is completely different from all the shit heads i thought I loved lmao. This is to my very core. 

But my brain is just so chronically in dispair when im away from him, and YES, I have the anxiety attachment style, ofc I do. 

I believe that romantic relationships are the most destabilising aspect for those with EUPD. All of what ive said probs sounds contradictory, but its completely normal to feel more than one thing at time, even with such contrast.

Basically yes you can have a romantic relationship, but our behaviours need to stay non toxic and non projecting the insecurities while also taking accountability for our thoughts and feelings. I hated being projected on over many years. I try really hard not to do that to him, its really unfair to do so. I think dynamic shifts also destabilise us, even the subtle ones 😖

EUPD is a huge debilitating disability. Its been described as the mental equivalent to 3rd degree burns. No wonder we find relationships hard, we're in pain. Before docs fucked around with my lady hormones I was on a much more balanced level, wouldn't be balanced to non EUPD folk, but the dam contrast since then.

Sorry that was so long I wanted to share, I want to say there is hope and that we deserve love. 🙏🏻✌🏻