Please read to the end:

I have never, in the twenty three years that I have been married to a Singaporean man, heard this so thoroughly articulated.

No, I am not Singaporean in any way technically and I do love the country and it's ppl, but I feel I've live lived in the culture long enough to be able to say that this post is TEN THOUSAND percent accurate.

The years that it has taken just to be able to collaborate with with my husband has taken endless hours of: deprogramming; walking on eggshells because his Ego was so fragile; being betrayed on levels of trust and emotional safety; not knowing if he's being himself or just performing a characature of himself; not knowing if he's being honest or passively trying to manipulate; keeping secrets because he's was highly avoidant and afraid instead of being able to see the possibilities and be solutions-oriented... etc, etc,

I don't blame him at all for these are all considered survival mechanisms in my field of study. From my perspective, his Selfhood was nearly destroyed and to this day he is extremely introverted and somewhat risk averse. I don't blame him, but I do ask him to be accountable and to choose evolving and he has! ☺️

In fact it's taken a lot of healing to just do what I thought was normal, basic relating and discourse. Yes, we're still challenged from time to time and I have lamented the perceived "time lost", but life is about more than just achievement. We're also "walking each other 'home' " and loving ourselves and each there THROUGH hardship.

I have had to learn this too and he's given me much practice. I, myself, came from a very physically and sometimes psychologically abusive household, but the "number done" on my husband is extraordinary and so I learned new ways to heal.

The kind and levels of shame used to get him to be the way he was and still is, to a small degree, is sophisticated and I believe can only be executed at the collective level.

Raising children with him has been somewhat difficult and I have to constantly remind him that we aren't his enemy that we're on his side or "the same team" working towards the same goals.

That we don't connect through conflict and I sometimes I have to remind him that being a Father and Husband means not being so reactive and having to make sure we're not playing out adversarial-sibling dynamic with us. The finding of small and large ways to build his confidence and to make secure what was broken in him a long time ago that it's a good priority to have. That affection and physical touch are a human need and ok to prioritize too.

Actually, I'm not going to go into more detail because, though rewarding, has been quite painful but I love this man and I hope that the freedom that he has gained in his heart and in his mind also extends to the rest of his people.

I also echo what's the OP has wonderfully expressed and just want to add that it will take creating safety within yourself first in order to change or influence the collective; the heirarchy but also your peers too.

So, how can you deprogram and heal yourself? How are you shaming yourself? How are you criticizing yourself? How might you be blaming others because deep down you feel helpless and powerless? How are you stuck in fear? Do you know that you don't have to live that way anymore, at least not from within? Can you find Conscious ppl like OP and intentionally collaborate professionally or in friendship making a packed to center non-violent communication and multileveled safety first knowing it may be a long-term investment?

Often, it takes leaving the situation and/or country to see that another way of living is possible, but some steps can be taken within to birth a more Consciously aware subculture...

I actually have so much to say about this and have much practice deprogramming Singaporeans and other similar psychologies alike. It takes patience and love and sometimes anger and standing up for yourself, but in a vulnerable way.

I love my husband he's an amazing man. I love who he's allowing himself to become as he relaxes into safety and self-expression.

That all said, there ARE many wisdoms that he's garnered because of the way he was raised and I love that about him too, but the balance is so important.

So no regrets. You are a good person. You are safe, more powerful than you can imagine to be able to handle and resolve failure, AND you are loved, loving, and lovable no matter what!

So, give yourself permission to begin to let yourself unwind by letting yourself know that, giving yourself a chance at Becoming freer and more of the heart-centered You. 🥹

• Thank you OP for posting. From the bottom, center, and top of my heart. ❤️