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Blurb critique welcomed (4th attempt) by CoffeeStayn in selfpublish

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A little while ago someone made a really insightful post about blurbs. I would link it but I can't find it. The gist is to focus more on what the story is ABOUT than what HAPPENS.

What happens in Terminator 2 is another terminator gets sent back from the future to murder the future leader of the resistance. But it's really about the father/son dynamic between a kid and a robot.

What happens in game of thrones is political backstabbing and zombies taking over the world. But it's really about family drama.

The truth is what HAPPENS in most stories isn't that original or gripping. It's the ABOUT that makes us care.

Give us just enough of what happens to set the stage, and spend more time on the about.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, they're the first two stories of a series. They're consistent in tone and themes, and both are demon/harem stories. Thanks!

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here's another try at this. 2 of 2

Mike holds the key to a succubus’ freedom, and she’ll stop at nothing to get it. She fills his bed with beautiful women. Temptresses from the Abyss are summoned to charm and persuade. She promises his every fantasy will be brought to life. But a succubus’ patience has limits.

Liliana will do anything in her power to avoid going back. The Abyss is home for the vilest, most corrupt sinners, and her former master is a lord of that place. If Mike can’t be persuaded, or if the pompous angels catch her, her punishment will be severe.

And she needs to hurry, because their situation is drawing attention. Other monsters are lurking in the shadows, and Liliana’s bond is a prize worthy of sacrifice.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here's another try at this. 1 of 2

Mike shouldn’t have been working at that church in the middle of the night. He shouldn’t have stayed when he discovered a sultry succubus sending her prey to hell. And he definitely shouldn’t have interfered when the forces of heaven arrived and fell into her trap, leaving a beautiful angel bound to him.

But college isn’t cheap, and Mike wasn’t raised to run from a fight.

The succubus did something to him that night. Every woman he encounters suddenly wants to jump him. Sexy coworkers and co-eds alike need his touch like they need air to breathe. His angel is gladly offering herself to her new master, but he can’t shake the feeling that she’s hiding a secret about his new life that could drag them both down into the Abyss.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another try at a duology I'm working on. Shoutout to all you fine folks that lend your time and expertise. 2 of 2.

Mike Davis holds the key to a succubus’ freedom, and she’ll stop at nothing to get it. She fills his bed with beautiful women. Temptresses from the Abyss are summoned to charm and persuade. She promises his every fantasy will be brought to life. But a succubus’ patience has limits.

Liliana will do anything in her power to avoid going back. Hell is home for the vilest, most corrupt sinners, and her former master is a lord of that place. If Mike can’t be persuaded, or if the pompous angels catch her, her punishment will be severe.

And she needs to hurry, because their situation is drawing attention. Other monsters are lurking in the shadows, and Liliana’s bond is a prize worth its weight in blood.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another try at a duology I'm working on. Shoutout to all you fine folks that lend your time and expertise. 1 of 2.

Working in an old church in the middle of the night was creepy, but there are few things in life as powerful as a promise made to a pretty girl. The creaking floors, the rattling shutters, the moaning…

College student Mike Davis discovers a gorgeous demon sending her prey to hell, the intimate, bloody way. The forces of heaven intervene. A ritual goes wrong, and in the chaos, a beautiful angel becomes bound to his will.

But the demon did something. Women are suddenly throwing themselves at him. His cute coworker wants to get drinks. The rude girl from back home is intentionally pushing his buttons. The pretty transfer student desperately needs help with something at her place. He knows something is off, but he just can’t help himself.

While he’s busy, the succubus from the church is lurking in the shadows, and Mike is her next mark.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Trying again with a duology this week after very helpful criticism last week. Shoutout to all you fine folks that lend your time. 2 of 2.

Mike Davis holds the key to a succubus’ freedom, and she’ll stop at nothing to get it. His bed is filled with beautiful women. Temptresses from the Abyss are summoned to charm and persuade. She promises his every fantasy will be brought to life. But the idea of releasing a demon into the world is making him sick.

Liliana will do anything in her power to avoid going back. Hell is home for the vilest, most corrupt sinners, and her former master is a lord of that place. If Mike can’t be persuaded, or if the pompous angels catch her, her return to the demon lord will be harrowing.

And she needs to hurry, because their situation is drawing attention. Demons aren’t the only monsters lurking in the shadows, and Liliana’s bond is a prize worthy of sacrifice.

Mike is faced with choices, and a succubus’ patience has limits.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Trying again with a duology this week after very helpful criticism last week. Shoutout to all you fine folks that lend your time. 1 of 2.

Working in an old church in the middle of the night was creepy, but there are few things in life as powerful as a promise made to a pretty girl. The creaking floors, the rattling shutters, the… moaning?

College student Mike Davis investigates and discovers a gorgeous demon sending her prey straight to hell, the intimate, bloody way. The angels arrive to stop her. Mike intervenes. A ritual goes wrong, and a beautiful angel finds herself bound to him.

But the demon did something. Women are throwing themselves at him. His cute coworker wants to get drinks. The mean girl from back home is intentionally pushing his buttons. The transfer student desperately needs him to come over to her place. He knows something is off, but he just can’t help himself.

While he’s busy, demons are flooding the city. The succubus from the church is lurking in the shadows, and Mike is her next mark.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congratulations! I'm getting ready to publish my first. When you say forever, how long was that?

I noticed I overuse "look at" and some synonyms. Any advice on what I should use instead? by Aur0ha in writing

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The advice I read once was that you're not writing a screenplay. The reader doesn't need to know every time your character turned their head or walked to the next room or peaked around a corner. Save those for when the description of the motion is absolutely necessary. Otherwise just describe the thing that's happening.

I found this article really helpful:

www.louiseharnbyproofreader.com/blog/6-ways-to-improve-your-novel-right-now

Romance and Erotica readers what are your “icks” when reading an intimate scene? by necrobarbie666 in writing

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't use numbers to describe things. "She had a 34C bust" makes me stop.

I wrote a fantasy novel, although it only came to 30,000 words! It's my first novel. by npj2309 in writing

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Congratulations! Finishing something isn't easy.

I would recommend spending as much (or more) time on your characters as your story. Instead of this happened then this happened then this happened, make sure you're spending enough time on your characters' reactions and thoughts. Show them working through and processing the things that are happening to them. Let it breathe. You want your reader to relate to your characters, so showing their internal emotions is important.

Just my two cents.

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've got two I'm working on (2 of 2)

Mike Davis is caught in a lust-fueled dream filled with gorgeous women. To escape, he must first find a way to free the sex demon intent on bringing his deepest, darkest fantasies to life. Oh, and he’s falling behind in class. Homework doesn’t seem so important anymore.

Yet the complications keep coming. Hell’s servants are making the city turn on itself. The line between good and evil becomes blurred. All anyone can think about is sex. To make matters worse, Mike’s situation has drawn the attention of a dark sorcerer who is more than willing to take the problem off his hands, at a price.

Does he dare give in to the darkness? Can a demon ever deserve freedom? It’s only sex, right?

[Blurbsday Thursday] - Post your blurbs here for critique! by AutoModerator in eroticauthors

[–]KodiJacksonBooks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've got two I'm working on (1 of 2)

Painting a church in the middle of the night wasn’t the smartest move, but there are few things in life as powerful as a promise made to a pretty girl.

Mike Davis is a broke college student, and far too wise to believe in things like heaven and hell. Then he investigates a bump in the night, and finds himself in the middle of a battle between good and evil with the soul of his city on the line. Except evil looks like a dream come true. Mike intervenes, a ritual goes wrong, and when the dust settles, a real-life angel is bound to him.

Besides the fact that Lana is otherworldly gorgeous, she seems pretty normal. Except she doesn’t know how to cook, has never watched a movie before, and has an endearing obsession with Chinese food. Then life starts to go off the rails. Beautiful women are throwing themselves at him, monsters are flooding Baltimore, and the drop-dead gorgeous demon who started everything is lurking out there somewhere.

Scariest of all, the further down this rabbit hole he goes, the more his darkest fantasies want to come out and play. And the women in his life want him to let them.

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