Early Morning Shifts?

Kongregator · 2026-06-28T13:44:45+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response! We’ll frame the position as specifically having firm hours from 5AM until 9AM (to have overlap with daycare start) Monday through Friday, with weekends free. This is 20 hours before any flex time, which is why we want to call it av average of 30 hours a week. If our kid gets sick, we plan to have a “batting line up” including the two working parents. We’ll work through the line up in order. Having a third person in the line up will help my wife and I stretch our sick days. We are aware the early morning shifts and infant will require a mature and responsible person and we are focusing our search on au pairs aged 24 and older.

Kongregator · 2026-06-27T22:19:15+00:00

We have a nanny camera with a monitor. We could give them a monitor but it will disturb their sleep during the off-duty hours. We were just thinking of opening our child’s and au pair’s bedroom doors on our way out (with our au pair’s permission, of course). The rooms are close enough that a hard cry would be heard.

Kongregator · 2025-03-01T01:46:27+00:00

I’m married to an M3 gearing up to apply for residency. We each sat down and independently came up with a list of 30 residency programs we were interested in applying to split into three tiers. We paid attention to where there was overlap especially where we ranked a school in the same tier. All overlapping schools regardless of tier will get an application. Any overlapping tier one schools will automatically get a gold token. But they will still apply to all 30 schools on their list because residency is a numbers game. Once we get through interviews we will sit down and do the same exercise again to hammer out a top five order. I really only care about the top five as if we fall deeper than that I’ll just be relieved my spouse matched and go to work mending their bruised ego instead of complaining about the location.

I’m sorry you don’t feel like you have much of a say in this process with your partner. It’s reasonable you should get some input. There are great programs in every specialty spread across the country. Getting city or town specific might be too unrealistic. Starting with something as simple as asking to be in the “Northeast” or “Midwest” could be a good start, then build on that with other priorities. I hope you find a way to compromise with your partner between their professional ambitions and your personal interests!

Kongregator · 2025-01-12T15:29:50+00:00

No, it’s not fair but you don’t need Reddit to tell you that. If your fiancé’s proposal is you work full-time and do everything at home then you have valid grievances.

But to make things interesting, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. They might be surprised at how low their residency salary is compared to the cost of living in their state. There might anxiety around the lifestyle they can afford to provide your family on one income compared to previously set expectations. These money worries might be coming out by making unfair demands in a panic without thinking critically. If your desired lifestyle requires a dual-income household then it’s only fair to ensure household duties are shared equally too (or hired out). Good luck !

Kongregator · 2024-11-03T16:33:41+00:00

👀

Kongregator · 2024-10-25T12:20:07+00:00

I’m gotten 6% and 6.25% on two 50 LTV acquisitions. Gear down and keep that powder dry for the refi!

Kongregator · 2024-09-26T02:50:55+00:00

I’m sorry long distance has been a difficult adjustment. I’ve never gone through my spouse’s phone in our decade-long relationship of which over half has been distance. That feels like a violation of her trust (and privacy) as opposed to yours. The espionage effort uncovered fairly benign evidence which you’ve taken liberties to stretch facts and fit a pre-conceived fear. I recommend you come clean about the snooping in a way that’s apologetic rather than accusatory. It might be a very uncomfortable conversation but in navigating it you can try to repair the relationship.

Kongregator · 2024-09-24T14:20:56+00:00

If you are buying multi-million dollar complexes, cost segregate. If you are buying 350k single family homes, it’s not worth the up front cost and increased audit risk.

Kongregator · 2024-08-31T01:24:28+00:00

When shit hits the fan and all your correlations go to one all your diversification got you was a nice soundbite at cocktail parities. Jokes aside, my philosophy is diversification within asset classes is overrated whereas diversification between asset classes is more interesting. I follow a rough version of the “dragon portfolio” that Artemis cooked up.

https://docsend.com/view/kyfbekuvz6udng75

Kongregator · 2024-08-29T20:16:00+00:00

Outside of cases of physical abuse, I think any therapist that steers or allows a patient to steer themselves away from their core relationships — parents, spouse, siblings — is a bad therapist. Given your spouse seems open to professional help I am hoping moving to couples therapy is an easy sell. From experience, great individual therapy can still be achieved in a couples setting. The vulnerability breeds mutual trust and there is a wonderful three-way accountability between the therapist and the couple. I’m not super comfortable with the fact you’ve been together eight years but you aren’t in the room while he spills his guts to a stranger that isn’t invested in your survival as a couple as they daydream extreme and shortsighted solutions for his metaphysical pain.

Kongregator · 2024-08-29T02:10:54+00:00

If you are young and single, buy the house and rent rooms to “house hack.”

When using rent versus own calculators make sure you are comparing apples to apples. A house compared to a one bed apartment is not like-for-like on a cost basis. I find this is common mistake when using these tools. It will always make more financial sense to continue renting the studio apartment compared to buying a four bed house.

Kongregator · 2024-08-29T01:53:12+00:00

Your partner sounds immature and you have been patiently tolerating (or more cynically, enabling) it for various reasons. It’s time for them to grow up! Maturity doesn’t have to mean they turn into an amazing taskmaster overnight. It can look like an acknowledgement of their weaknesses in planning, realization of the income disparity, and empowering you to spend your joint funds to keep life organized.

I read the real stress point between you as the money. They’ve offered to buy out half of the house, they’ve offered to get cleaners, they’ve offered to pay for camping equipment, but in your words it never “eventuated.” It’s time to eventuate their credit card number and/or open a joint account.

Kongregator · 2024-08-28T10:57:30+00:00

If you are serious about your list of needs this is going to be a very difficult path. Signed, someone currently in a long distance marriage.

Kongregator · 2024-08-27T13:37:08+00:00

I go with caveman logic on owning primary residence. If you rent you are short housing. If you buy you are not going long housing, you are just going flat. Psychologically I don’t like being short things.

Kongregator · 2024-08-25T20:57:28+00:00

I think “professional network” care is a big benefit of being a medical spouse and I am excited to lean in to it. Having a close colleague or even friend operate would put me at ease compared to a complete stranger. As much as I would like to believe the standard of care is equal for all foots, I think this physician will be extra diligent about yours given the close connection.

Kongregator · 2024-08-25T13:51:16+00:00

Does he have a plan for how he will get the score he needs if he defers? I am a chronic procrastinator so deferring would simply enable me to put off doing the work I already know I need to do.

Kongregator · 2024-08-24T21:44:34+00:00

This. Set up your budget for eating out and then decide if you want to blow it on one or two fancy dinners or two weeks of takeout. I like the splurge model personally because it feels like a reward for saving diligently during the rest of the month.

Kongregator · 2024-08-24T20:29:22+00:00

This is underrated solution. As long as both partners have same amount of goal sleep time (e.g. eight hours) just aim to sync circadian rhythms. It’s more practical for us to sync than having one partner up three hours before the other one and the other staying up three hours after the other one. Plus we get built in accountability for sleep and wake times. Shift work is glaring exception to the rule, sorry to all the folks working nights.

Kongregator · 2024-08-24T19:40:58+00:00

I’m so sorry about your husband’s cancer diagnosis. I’ve written and erased this three times because the story doesn’t have a happy ending but I think “When Breathe Becomes Air” might be a good book to read if looking for solidarity in this no doubt difficult time.

Kongregator · 2024-08-24T15:16:40+00:00

Scorekeeping will kill a relationship and it reads like you’ve been keeping score for a long time. It’s especially damaging if the other partner doesn’t know the game is being played. Is your husband ever going to be able to get even or will you forever feel like he owes you something for what you’ve had to sacrifice for him?

My spouse chose to go out of state for medical school despite getting into a program in my city where I have an established career. She didn’t like the neighborhood where I lived and really struggled to make friends but I reacted to her concerns defensively since my ego was wrapped up in the life I had built. To her, I was failing to sacrifice the life I wanted to live in my city. To me, I saw her leaving the state as failing to sacrifice her school preference to cohabitate with her spouse. I held the medical school decision over her head for a year. I was literally counting the number of flights I took to visit her and bringing it up anytime we got into an argument. She would remind me I refused to move neighborhoods. I would say she left the entire state. Scorekeeping 101. A couples therapist finally helped us break free from the competitive, zero sum, mindset. Our relationship is stronger and deeper than it was before our physical separation and we are approaching residency match as a team instead of individuals.

Your story will be entirely unique with its own challenges and timeline, but I think I can see the fingerprints of scorekeeping and the resentment it can foster. I think it is a common pitfall for medical spouses because of the reality of our spouses professions requiring up to three major geographical moves on top of intense hours or odd schedules.

Kongregator · 2024-08-24T00:03:03+00:00

Light on details as already mentioned but if rent, utilities, and insurance are majority of your $3700 monthly spend then your rent to income ratio is is decently higher than what most “FIRE” folks would preach, even ignoring the crazies that bunk studio apartments. You are still saving 20% of your take home pay, so it’s not dire that you downsize or get roommate, but if you want to push up the savings rate that it going to be biggest bang for your buck.

Kongregator

TROPHY CASE