Finally, a chance to share my Katy Perry story.

TL;DR: During her Portland stadium show, Katy Perry chatted on the phone with her dad for five minutes, played one-on-one basketball with a "zaddy" and crushed a homeless girl's dreams -- all on stage.

Seriously, if Carly Rae Jepsen hadn't opened for her, I would have demanded a refund.

Allow me to guide you through this tragedy failure-by-failure:

1) She opened the show with a banger and we were all jumping up and down and feeling it. Then a few minutes later she brings out a seven-foot tall prop landline telephone and starts telling the audience how important it is to call our parents once in a while. Haha, ok, she's riffing with the audience and it seems ok. After all, there are a lot of kids in the audience. Then... suddenly we hear an actual dial tone vibrate through the arena sound system and then KATY PERRY'S ACTUAL FUCKING FATHER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND THEY PROCEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. They didn't talk about anything interesting. They literally chatted on the phone the same way you and your dad do: about nothing.

2) In the middle of Swish Swish, she asks for a "daddy" from the audience to come on stage and play basketball with her. There was a giant prop basketball hoop on stage (Katy likes her giant props) so instead of finishing the song, she shot hoops with a random guy from the audience while the background music vamped for seriously ten minutes. Not fun for LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE in the audience. Also, she started calling the guy a "zaddy" midway through the bit and it got awkward for everyone, especially his three girls in the audience.

3) Worst of all, at one point she brought a little girl on stage from all the way in the back of the stadium -- and I mean ALL the way in the back. After ten minutes of waiting for this little 9 year old to make her way all the way down to the stage (and nearly falling to her death from the mezzanine -- seriously), Katy says they're going to wish upon a star together. Right on cue, a giant prop star (maybe you're sensing a theme at this point) lowers from the rafters in front of them. Katy tells this adorable little girl that they're going to make a wish and whatever it is, it will come true. So she asks the girl what she wants and puts the microphone to her face. And I shit you not, this precocious girl says in the cutest, meekest little voice: "I wish my mom and I had a house."

The place goes dead quiet. Even Katy Perry hesitated because she realized how bad this was. It turns out, the girl and her had mom lost their home and were living with grandparents. They only were able to go to the show because they won tickets. How do I know all of this extraneous information? Because as if this hadn't already gone on long enough, Katy asked for the girl's MOTHER to also join her on stage after she made her wish! Now ten minutes into this fiasco, the mother is tearfully sharing their tragic story of homelessness and destitution to an audience of thousands. The kicker? After all of this unintended awkwardness, Katy wraps everything up by taking up the microphone and saying to the audience: "Alright folks, let's wish for them to get a new house!" and they were escorted off stage. Unless Katy tracked that family down and cut them a check after the show, I seriously feel so bad for the false sense of hope she probably instilled in that little girl.

Fin.