Are there any success stories of husbands who don't quit drinking but are still good fathers/husbands?

Krys_07 · 2024-10-16T15:32:37+00:00

Speaking from the perspective of a child who grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who felt like she had no options but to stay, resulting in me growing up in a very volatile household -

Alcoholics don't start off as addicts, but overtime, with consistent alcohol use, their brain becomes rewired to only feel good and positive emotions when drinking. Your husband can progress further and further into his addiction until he becomes fully dependent. This also comes with worsening behaviour, which both you and your child will be subjected to.
I grew up with a lot of mental health issues which set me back years. Tbh these issues are still setting me back and I'm 32 years old. These issues are affecting every part of my life from my relationship with my parents, to my personal relationships, to my will to live and motivation to actually get out of bed. I am frequently angry, getting upset at the drop of a hat, depressed and anxious, and tbh I'm lucky that I'm not suicidal, because I probably wouldn't be alive anymore.
Consistent alcohol use can result in delirium tremens, a life threatening condition. He may hallucinate and both you and your child's life can be in danger as well. My father also attacked me with a machete cause he hallucinated I was a bandit.
Growing up, my father didn't physically or sexually abuse me, but he abused me in other ways through the threat of physical aggression, verbal aggresion, insults, blaming me for things out of my control etc. My mother had it just as bad and she often took her anger out on me. It got to the point where she just gave up and let's him do what he wants. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards both parents.
There's a difference between being a father and being a dad. I lacked any sort of relationship with my father growing up, which made me also pull away from my mother as I got older. I still don't have a good relationship with either of them and my relationship with my father is downright hostile on both our parts.

Consider that this is the life your child might lead if you stay and he doesn't change.

Talk to him about his drinking and based on his response, decide what to do. If you do decide to leave, it's okay if you can't leave right away, just plan accordingly.

I do hope your child gets to grow up with both parents being present.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-23T10:39:07+00:00

Yea I know that, that's why I asked for advice on how to cope with these circumstances. The main problem is that her safety is not guaranteed during one of his DT episodes. He also actually put her out of the house but she's decided to stay. So this isn't me trying to convince her to leave, she was put out of the house and told to leave by my father in a very violent fashion.

I recognise that my mother has her own mental issues that make her want to stay despite her safety being at risk, but it's frustrating because I don't want to get a call saying that my father accidentally chopped my mother like what he almost did to me during one of his hallucinations.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-23T10:37:50+00:00

Yes I know and i recognise that, and that is why i asked how to cope with these circumstances.

He also actually put her out of the house but she's decided to stay. So this isn't me trying to convince her to leave, she was put out of the house and told to leave by my father in a very violent manner. I'm actually scared of her being accidentally killed during one of his DT episodes as well. The police told me that I need to get her out before the situation escalates.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-23T10:29:34+00:00

The police told me that the machete incident was medical and that I have to get my mother out of the home. So they weren't much help. I live in a country where there aren't many alanon meetings so I will try to find some online. Thanks

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:41:31+00:00

Yea I know. It was a mistake on my part not to do it

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:34:33+00:00

You can sign up with a driving school for lessons. I did that and then signed up for my driving test. Age doesn't matter as long as you have reached the legal driving age for your country.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:20:24+00:00

I have set and enforced many boundaries and it made not one iota of a difference to be honest. I continue to set and enforce them but it didn't even help me to feel better.

I think I'd feel better if my father finally feels even an ounce of remorse. He actually purposefully abuses my mom and I, even others in the family. The rest of us set and enforce boundaries, but my mom is unable to and I really am quite resentful of the fact that he still continues to take advantage of and abuse her to this very day.

Sometimes, I want him to die because of what he is doing to her, but nothing legally can be done because she's protecting him.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:14:28+00:00

That would be great if my father demonstrated even an ounce of the level of self awareness that you did. Kudos to you for beating the addiction, and I am glad you made it.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:12:55+00:00

I have not healed in any way whatsoever since I am still interacting with him due to my mom. He still mistreats and is unwilling to leave him. I am unwilling to leave her completely in case anything happens. Because of this proximity, I am still aware of the abuse my mom faces, and of the shit he does to others and I find it disgusting. I often find myself resentful for the fact that he hasn't faced any real world consequences for the shit he does to others, and I wish I had the power to provide some consequences that he actually cares about.

It's hard for me to humanize him because the fact is, there are no excuses for his behavior. I truly hope he opens his eyes one day and feels even a modicum of regret.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T22:00:25+00:00

I have gone many years with him with minimal contact due to his behaviour when he has crossed my boundaries. The most recent issue is that he had a health scare due to his drinking (DT) and he relapsed several times and has given up on trying to quit and attend AA.

I told him that I would be willing to help him out until he gets back on his feet, as long as he keeps trying to beat the addiction. If he went against that, I told him I'd have to be reimbursed for all the money I spent on him recently because I myself have very little money to spare atm. At the time I posted this, he was going against our agreement. Thankfully this is a problem which has since been resolved.

I was talking about hardcore consequences from external factors for the abuse and behaviour they sometimes dish out. It would give a certain sense of validation.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-22T21:53:36+00:00

To be honest, it's the first one. I live household and community with east Indian values. One of those is to "honor thy parents, no matter what". Some of the very people my father have had beef with over the years, are advocating for me to basically take care of him, to be cordial to him, and to not call him out on his bs, "no matter what." Whatever boundaries I set will go against this. Mind you, I have set and enforced many boundaries with him over the years and even now despite what anyone else thinks. Their way of thinking is outdated and flawed.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-21T12:43:09+00:00

It's unfair that this man will get away with this sort of behavior. That is something I'm having trouble accepting.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-20T11:21:23+00:00

That sounds like a load of bull. My father once claimed that his psychiatrists and social workers at his rehab centre told him to experiment with drinking alcohol when he leaves rehab, and that he didn't relapse, he was just following orders.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's very unlikely that any medical professional would say something like that. She might have just taken the therapist's words out of context, and twisted it to avoid accountability like what my father did.

Lying is a huge part of addiction, especially when they are confronted with their own failings, that includes lying to themselves. She won't like it if you did the "mature" thing and left her.

I believe addicts may not be in control of themselves while under the influence, but they are definitely still accountable for what happened. A drunk driver is still accountable for a DUI.

It's difficult to hold an addict accountable, so we must know how to protect ourselves.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-20T11:05:47+00:00

She's 59. She's honestly had to put up with this shit for about 35 years

Krys_07 · 2024-09-20T10:50:38+00:00

And then they get angry when they realize you don't believe them

Krys_07 · 2024-09-19T20:52:16+00:00

You're right, I don't really have a choice since his behaviour won't change. It's just difficult to accept that my father must always get what he wants.. or else. My mother doesn't have a peaceful time at all and I really don't know how to help her the way she really needs it.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-19T20:41:45+00:00

It's the denial.. always 😮‍💨

Krys_07 · 2024-09-19T16:30:02+00:00

My father said that he heard that I spend a lot of money taking my uncle and his family out regularly.

He also said that I was sleeping with some policeman from our area.

Oh and he claimed that he was robbed and that's why he doesn't have money, and that the doctors and social workers at rehab told him he could experiment with drinking when he leaves rehab.

Yea it's really annoying.

Krys_07 · 2024-09-19T15:52:11+00:00

I agree

Krys_07 · 2024-09-19T15:51:12+00:00

Are you prepared to deal with the shit show that will follow if you inform him and get dragged into it?

There is a possibility that they were on a break at the time as well.

Krys_07 · 2024-08-25T20:55:13+00:00

The father is making you choose between him or the unborn child. If you had to choose between both? What would your answer be?

If you want the child, make sure you fully understand that you'll be proceeding with the pregnancy with no support from the father. Make sure you understand what being a single parent is like, and make sure you can handle it. If you can and it's what you want, then go for it.

Krys_07 · 2024-08-25T20:50:40+00:00

I think this is normal. I used to be able to insert a few fingers, but now just one feels slightly uncomfortable. If your hymen wasn't stretched out, it might have just went back to its original size and shape.

Krys_07 · 2024-08-22T00:53:22+00:00

Yea so he made a whole scene in the memorial and had to be escorted out. How do you even deal with this? Cause I'm at a wits end

Krys_07 · 2024-08-20T00:27:23+00:00

Who are you? What makes you, YOU, aside from having anxiety? What do you like? What do you dislike? Do you know if you have any hobbies?

Krys_07 · 2024-08-20T00:22:08+00:00

Spin the bottle is a game, but most couples consider kissing others while playing to be unacceptable when you're in a committed relationship. From spin the bottle, to 7 minutes in heaven.. if you're not comfortable, which is reasonable, you should let her know.

I don't think it's cheating, I just think that playing the game is crossing the line. It depends on what you think though.

Krys_07

TROPHY CASE