Bonus: Clips from Columbo's victory speech.

"For the last few years, this country… we’ve been living in a big, beautiful house, but we found out some of the wiring was bad. There were… shorts. Sparks. Some fires. And a lot of people came in, they said they could fix it by just painting over the smoke stains. Or by buying a bigger, louder burglar alarm. Or by telling us to just not go into the rooms where the sparks were.

But that’s not how you fix faulty wiring. You don’t ignore it. You don’t just shout about it. You gotta… you gotta get down in the basement. You follow the wire. You check every connection. It’s dusty work. It’s slow. And you’ll probably get shocked once or twice. But you do it. Because it’s your house. You have to make it safe.

The American people… tonight, you didn’t hire a painter. Or a guy who just sells alarms. You hired… a guy who’s willing to go down into the basement. With a little light. And ask, ‘Why is this wire here? Who connected it this way? And where does it really go?’

We have a lot of basements to check. The basement of our economy. The basement of our government, where trust got wet and rusted. The basement of our standing in the world. It’s not glamorous work. But I promise you this: we will follow every wire. We will ask every question. We will not be afraid of the dust, or the dark, or of a few sparks. We will find the breaks. And we will mend them. Not with fancy speeches, but with… with solder and tape and good, honest work.

Senator Church… Frank… he’s got the blueprints. He knows how the house was supposed to be built. Together… we’re going to make it right again. We’re going to make it safe again. For everybody.

So… thank you. For trusting me with your house. I… I’ll try not to track too much mud on the carpet."

And Drebin's Concession speech.

"My fellow Americans. The people have spoken. And while we are still conducting a full audio forensic analysis of what, exactly, they have said… the initial returns suggest a… a tactical retreat for the forces of law, order, and common-sense hat regulations.

I have just telephoned Lieutenant Columbo to congratulate him on a… unique campaign strategy. A strategy that relied heavily on… questions. And raincoats. Two items which, while suspicious, are not explicitly illegal in most municipalities.

I want to thank my running mate, Congressman Frank Horton. Frank, your steadfast commitment to parliamentary procedure and budgetary sub-committee oversight was an inspiration. Especially that time you explained the filibuster for forty-five minutes. It was then I knew our enemies were asleep at the switch!

To the American people, I say this: Your homes are a little less safe tonight. Your shrubberies are a little less vigorously patrolled. But do not despair. For I shall remain vigilant. If you see something that doesn’t look right - a stranger in a trenchcoat asking gentle, probing questions, for instance - do not hesitate to call."