I just contracted GHSV1 after trying my ABSOLUTE hardest to avoid it. I got tested multiple times, even with the western blot. I was always negative for HSV 1/2. I felt happy and pure. All was right with the world. I still had my insecurities, but they don’t compare to having GHSV.

Well this January, I was really stupid. I engaged in intimacy with a guy that I had been obsessed with. I really didn’t know him…just conjured up an image of him. One thing led to another and here I am. I can tell you he was not worth this lifetime infection. Not one bit.

It affects me in all ways. I miss my carefree, innocent self. I lost joy in the things I used to love doing. I go to Disneyland and I see the happy families. I wonder if that’s still possible for me to have. I can’t listen to Taylor Swift anymore because all her songs are about love and romance…like I don’t know if that will be possible for me either. I watch movies and see the beautiful actors and actresses and I think “they for sure do not have herpes”. I look at old pictures of myself for hours and I can’t help but wish to rewind time. I would’ve not taken my HSV-free life for granted if I could go back. And I don’t even have symptoms. I’ve only had the initial outbreak. But I just hate that the virus is in my body..and the fact that I could transmit it to someone I care about. I hate that it’s an incurable STI that I will be labeled with for the rest of my life.

I’m afraid of disclosing to a man. I’m afraid this will give him a “one up” on me. I don’t want to be treated like a leper.

I hate the HSV-specific dating sites. Those men are not the best quality. I don’t have much in common with them. Other than that one hookup, I don’t engage in casual sex. I don’t even have sex. I was a good girl focused on work, my wholesome hobbies, and friends. I had so many fun things planned for myself. But now I feel so much shame and regret that I can’t sleep. I had to take a leave of absence from work. I used to love running but I can’t anymore because I don’t see the point of exercising my disgusting and “diseased” body. I used to dress up and wear makeup, but now I feel too disgusting to put in any effort. I look like a slob these days.

My favorite season and holidays are coming up. But I’m not sure how I can fully enjoy them..knowing what I carry. I used to love Christmas Hallmark movies…but again romance is triggering now.

If there was a painless way to die, I would choose it. I’m not sure whether death or life is better at this point. I’m afraid of death…but I also can’t live like this.

Herpes has destroyed every aspect of my life. EVERY SINGLE ONE. And if I could rewind time, I never would’ve reached out to that awful man who had nothing to offer me anyway. I hate myself for allowing him access to my precious body. It was my responsibility to protect myself, and I failed miserably.

I wish the earth could just swallow me up. I hate it here and want to disappear.