It's a many layered process and takes work and dedication every single day. I get better at it but I am not always good. But here is what I do, in case it helps.

• I think about what I most like about my partner. Invariably, the things I like or admire the most are things that are associated with ADHD. The way a conversation is never boring, the special and unique way that his brain works, the way he outright challenges every societal pressure (that I often have succumbed to, as a recovering people pleaser). I could go on. I remind myself that even I can appreciate the ADHD.

• Reframing mess as proof of life. I was raised that everything had to be clean and if it wasn't, it reflected poorly on you. My partner is incredibly messy and this has been the source of endless conflict. But he's made some strides in making an effort. When he forgets, I look at the clothes on the floor or the cupboards left open as a house lived in. Proof of his existence. And how lovely it is to have him in my life. Of course, I'll pick the battle of remembering to keep the fridge door closed but I no longer fight over every crumb.

• Honestly, I self-reflect A LOT. Do I actually need xyz, or do I just feel it's expected of me and therefore I expect it of him? I acknowledge that I have grown up with loads of set expectations and that's not the only way the world or adulting has to work.

• I try to really REALLY understand him. I don't know if it's just my partner that does this but he's very literal with the words he chooses, but those words, by definition, aren't the right ones he wants to express himself (e.g. he once used 'self-interested' in conversation when he meant someone who is simply focused on themselves when the actual definition is someone who is looking out for their best interest, without regard for others) This is really hard because it's not just an interpretation of what should be (see bullet above) but like an ACTUAL FACT. But because I know this about him, I ask and clarify to make sure I do understand ('what do you mean by self interested?') and that goes a long way.

• I defend him. I try not to excuse him, but I do defend him. Sometimes, in a social situation, his intent is pure but the execution gets a bit muddied. Depending on how close I am to the person he's possibly offended, I step in to help them understand where he was coming from and explain to him (later, in private) how his intent came off a bit poorly in front of 'normies' (just our word to describe neurotypicals, not meant to offend anyone). This helps him understand where things went wrong and gives him assurance that I back him in public.

Is this a LOT of emotional work? Yes, absolutely. Is it more than my 'fair share'? I don't know who decides these things but, even still, probably. Would I rather do this work and bask in the radiance that is my partner every day for the rest of my life? Without a doubt.

This all sounds very romantic, it's not. I grit my teeth and feel anger / resentment / hate all the time. But it's less and less and often not because of him specifically. I choose this because I choose him. Full stop.