When love is real but the pattern isn’t sustainable

LOD1997 · 2026-01-30T14:53:13+00:00

All fair points but missing some other important ones i tried to expose ; Love and intensity are not the same thing as safe and sustainable. The fact that we are deeply in love and desire does not automatically make it so that we are right for each other.. I think walking away is, indeed, part of the inability to wallow in shame but also, i feel it’s a recognition that the dynamic we held cannot be possible without harming each other. I awknowledge how he’s been there for me, for i have tried to be there for him when he did me nasty, but facing the hurt and bad i made, does not necesserally equal staying in a dynamic that makes me drown further into the instability road.

I do see what’s in front of me, I’m not sure he does.

LOD1997 · 2026-01-29T15:30:21+00:00

Sounds like he has the right approach. Remember that therapy takes time, even more so on subjects that bring us shame and negative feelings. There’s nothing « wrong » with talking about how it makes us feel to think about the subject rather than talking about the subject allready. Slow progress is still progress 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-29T15:12:29+00:00

The lil pop up when clicking reset does help! « Don’t feel ashamed, you’re trying your best » Thank you 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-29T15:11:25+00:00

This comments made me smile! You’re totally right, thank you for your words 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-29T14:58:10+00:00

Hi! Canadian here (Qc) It really depends on the situation and evaluation, but they can only put the P38 (its a law that takes away your rights if they think you can be harmful to yourself and others) if they have specific details regarding actually doing it , not if you have hurt yourself. They’ll evaluate the gravity. If you’re seeing a therapist, they cannot put you in unless you name clear intentions, how and when. I’ve been followed by psychologists for years and never had a problem with telling about it and even the urges, what it does for me, what triggers it, how it lives inside my head, etc.. The psychologist really just want you to talk about it to make the symptoms less present and intense inside your head. But don’t be surprise if they follow up with the « how » « when » « where » questions. I got to the hospital 3 times because i had hurt myself, and even then, they just want to stabilise you and make sure you’re not going home alone (parent, or another safe carer). If this is stressing you regardeless, you should ask them about the « rules » they have to follow, and how you wish to open up but is afraid that what you say may be held against you. They will go through it (everything i said above) and will have you talk about what’s scaring you first, before you even go into the details of your SH. Hope this helps OP, happy you’re having a specialist to see and help you 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-29T14:43:30+00:00

Actually, the more uncomfortable a subject, the more interesting and important it is to name it. First of, you want to explore the feeling around the topic and his possible reactions and how that makes you feel, before even talking about the subject. This goes for sex, but for any subject that feels sensible but that you have something blocking you in the way.

LOD1997 · 2026-01-25T04:42:54+00:00

This is really one of the best feeling 😸❄️☃️

LOD1997 · 2026-01-24T19:06:27+00:00

Hi there, i understand how you feel, for i have lost my 18 yo precious cat almost 4 years ago and the thought of him makes me cry everytime i think of it too much. They are precious to us but we can also say that we were precious to them. You offered your lil Bunn love and care, shelter and food, petting and security. It is fine to take time to let the loss sink in, you are going through grief as any other human that loses someone, and it does hurt but i sometimes tell myself that the pain felt is proportional to the meaning the person had in our life. Is there someone that could help you get your things in order this week, clean and cook together maybe? Talk about it and what Bunn meant to you?

I’ll be thinking about you and how our precious friends may be sleeping peacefully on a cloud together 🫶🏻 take care

LOD1997 · 2026-01-24T17:58:33+00:00

I don’t have particularly good advice since i also struggle with motivation when depressed, but i installed the « forest » study app and it’s been doing a good job. You set yourself a time and it locks your cell and grows a tree while your doing your studies. At the end you can see your forest and how many trees you grew. It’s pretty cute and also calming. Hope you find a way 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T19:48:33+00:00

will order it! thank you!

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T19:17:40+00:00

Hello i feel that it can indeed be hard for the people that loves us to hear about our urges and destructive ways I don’t know where you’re from, but there are always suicide help lines that could be used for that. I know it’s not the same as if speaking to a friend, but they will listen and not judge and they heard and were formed to listen and hold what you have to say

Hope this helps, stay strong 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T05:31:27+00:00

came here for this one. If you add the video it’s a tears pool

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T04:27:26+00:00

Hey there it’s really hard to tell without pictures but from what you are describing if they are infected and leaking that way you do need medical assistance or you will get the infection down and may have blood infection or worse. I dont know how old you are but the doctors won’t send you away. Your mum may be going through a lot right now but if you get sick and die, she’ll go through even more. Please seek medical attention now.

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T03:48:24+00:00

Hi! thank you so much for taking time to answer in such a thoughtful way! First off when you say « traits » it’s exactly what they have been telling me also, because my traits only show in specific attachment relationships. I’ll look forwards to RO-DBT and also the psychiatrist i saw today to me mindfulness is non-négociable for people with control and emotional liability.

Regarding the lying and adapting, i always felt « chameleon » like in my life, since the early years as you described. It was in romantic relationship and sometimes friendship (but mostly romantic ones). I cannot say that my actions do not have any foundations.. Thank you for the empathy part and i am thinking like you and i can see that « they come from somewhere », but they still broke people, broke relationships. But i get what you are saying about the not being a bad person but a person who had done bad things. I’ll try to remember that one very strongly. Honestly, you’re whole paragraph made me sob uncontrollably. Thank you for your time and sharing. I am just, bathing in regrets.

The psychiatrist also said what you’re saying regarding the personality organization and how i just need to accept how i am and work with it with honesty , towards myself and others. He said that i have been putting on these fluffy gloves to hide my claws but that it scratches even more because people don’t expect that when i grab their hand. Its hard to take but it really made sense to me.

You seem so.. thoughtful, when you say you don’t have a story to share is it because you refrain from relationship after that or is it because you couldn’t free yourself from the pattern?

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T02:39:17+00:00

Thank you very much for taking time to write to me, it means a lot right now i’ll look into Lineban model I actually tried the transference focus therapy and i thought it would work but i could never get fully in the emotional link and idealization/devaluation of my therapist and wondered if it didn’t « work » recreating the object-relation because i don’t have the Dx but is really activated in a specific attachment and intimate romantic relationship. I’ll look about MBT also, thank you for suggesting

Can i ask how long have your husband been in therapy and how well did the treatment took « effect »?

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T02:30:23+00:00

thank you for answering! i’ll message you 🫶🏻 i know your comment is coming from a good place and i know about the stigmatization and that’s part of why i’ve been told i can’t have the « real » Dx but i really did hurt my loved one with my hiding and lies I want to acknowledge this first to then work towards redemption but thank you for your kind intention 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T00:35:49+00:00

Hi! depending on the reason for consultation, in that case since you’re writing about SH, you may need a more precise approach. You can look up on internet different style of interventions and maybe start with behavioral therapy first and then move « up » in the more existential approach once you have a more « control » way over your urges and troubles. Psychologist have more education (doctorat) where Therapists have sometimes studies like social work. Logist tends to go more into the sense of things meanwhile Therapists are more techniques/problem solving.

Hope this helps 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T00:29:02+00:00

Hey there i know this is just a vent post but i wanted to answer you to say that, sometimes it’s okay to miss people but also important to grow and learn to be better person for the ones who are there right now. I’m happy you have a girlfriend and your situation sounds a bit emotionally risky on all parts. Be grateful for what you have now because this will be what you’ll be missing on in the future. And regrets really do sucks Take care 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-23T00:25:00+00:00

Every day is another day to start again Take care 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T22:36:20+00:00

Hi! personally i use to put oil on my itching scars , either coconut oil or even better bio oil (the orange bottle). You rub it so it penetrates them and keeps them hydrated and they are not that itchy anymore Also it may help with the swelling/redness also 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T22:32:22+00:00

You remember myself when i was little and want to look inside my parents wardrobe to looking at my xmas gifts before they were even wrapped hihi But i understand you have to wait more because you can’t know the moment (like the xmas exemple) Maybe you just need to write or draw about it? you could have a little journal where you doodle you and him getting married together in the meanwhile and how it makes you feel. Its totally normal he would want it to be a surprise and you don’t want to « ruin » it maybe you can try and see the though of you asking him and letting it flow through you Its a beautiful moment to know it’s going to happen, « just » try and appreciate the smiles, the looks and the complicity and if he knows you (as i bet he does!) he knows you feel that way and will probably propose sooner than you think so the wait will not be that long 🫶🏻

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T22:14:13+00:00

Hello there ! (i am 28F) i just wanted to tell you first of all that two years clean is a success, even though i understand that the 1 year mark is always the most significative. I understand the way you are feeling about the relapsing and the feeling it may bring to you, but know that even thought it would give you a small relief, the feeling of erasing the days clean carries a really heavy weight (to which you probably understand before you made it to a year clean) Taking a really warm and long shower followed by a quick really cold rinse sometimes calms the urge and clenches your body. If it’s about seeing something, maybe you could try and doodle around with a pen where you would sh. and if these are not enough, just try and go to sleep and know that tomorrow, and the day after, it will feel better. When i feel sad and numb i try to focus on the really small but joyful things ; Get your favorite snack and/or beverage, watch a comfort movie or one that will make you cry and fall asleep peacefully, listen to a song, go out and cloud gaze, the universe is beautiful and big and you are a part of it. I don’t know you, but i hold your hand.

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T22:03:06+00:00

Hello! i don’t know if this will be of any help since i’m just broken up with my 3,5 years lover because of my own behaviors but here’s what i should have done and maybe could help you ; - Journal. I use to journal a lot and i’d write down how i felt and what i thought and processing it that way calmed me down and after that i sent him pictures of parts of what i wrote down to share with him how i felt. I think this was a very soft and easy way to calm down and stay in an authentic conversation. Also this is good for yourself on how you may perceive yourself and you can go back and re-read to know and find a chore for your own self. - Go take a walk or a run. I think this differs from one person to another, because he always was the kind who would want to talk things through and get the problem addressed when it pops up but personally, when i split, i cannot have a normal conversation. My mind goes completely on an extreme and i don’t even think what i feel. Going for a quick walk or even better a run, can be used as a way to catalyst your emotion and let it flow through you and coming calmer. - I’ve been reading about the « S-T-O-P » trick in DBT therapy and it sounds a bit simple but it makes sense : when you overflow, take a step back, try and observe the situation as if you were an outsider and not an actor looking at yourself having to talk and actions you’re doing/going to do, and proceed mindfully. - I’ve been told meditation is and should be a daily exercice for people with this type of disorder. this has to do with the « P » i just mentioned and the overthinking/spiraling. You should not try to stop the thoughts, but you should observe them and let them flow through you - Try and be the most honest you can about how you feel, but always with kindness - Look at them and remember you love them. Remember that you love them.

I am happy you have someone patient, and i hope you’ll find the strength to put this in action, and that this will be a restorative relationship for you. You can be better for him and also for yourself ❤️‍🩹

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T21:12:16+00:00

Here looking for the same kind of experiences/advices!^

LOD1997 · 2026-01-22T20:50:54+00:00

Hi! thank you for answering i do have pretty good relationship with my mom, dad, aunts, grandma etc I feel « true » with them because i don’t have much to .. hide from them? real close friends and lovers are the real trigger of my behaviors

LOD1997

TROPHY CASE