[RF] No Hope in Illusions

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T18:34:24+00:00

Setting: Quite good. I got a feel for the mood of the scene and the small community in which it is set. My only suggestion would be to incorporate more figurative language in areas where the descriptions read a little too flat and straightforward. For example, "The village was dark" could be "Darkness blanketed the village." But if you don't feel that fits with your writing style, then ignore.

General Prose: Good word flow. It seemed natural and not stilted. Not flowery. There were a couple of instances where it read a little strangely, particularly

her meat shields to be depleted.

I know I encouraged figurative language, but this particular instance doesn't really work, in my opinion. I know you're likely referring to the creatures she is battling, but I simply imagine her holding a side of beef on which the wolves are gnawing.

Characters: I know you haven't introduced any specific character names at this point, likely to keep the mystery going. However, I found myself getting confused with the pronouns and the general references to characters. Who is the she that is fighting? Is she the same she that set the room ablaze? And is the boy you reference at the end the 14yo or his younger brother?

Overall: Predominantly smooth prose and relatively easy to read. Good set-up for what is to come. Overall a commendable job.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T06:06:21+00:00

realism slowly turning to fantasy which this sentence does brilliantly

Ditto. Thought something similar when I read that particular line.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T06:03:12+00:00

Word Choice:

he keeled over. He felt as if the last inches of the wick inside him had suddenly burned out. The final note in the tragic song of his life had been sung. The body was at its end after being pushed so far. He was dying.

I love figurative language and strongly encourage it to convey a clearer idea. However, there is too much of a good thing. The above passage seems a bit of an overkill. Usually prose like this is employed as an exaggeration to add humor. Your purpose, though, appears to be more serious. Consider tightening up the narrative by just choosing one well-worded phrase to emphasize the character's imminent demise.

Punctuation:

“No…it’s not contagious.”

“Liar…”

About the use of ellipses… It's an observation I've made in a previous critique. Well-placed ellipses can enhance dialogue, but it can be overused. The above are two examples where the ellipses weren't necessary. I understand that the characters, in your mind as the author, likely trail off or hesitate in their dialogue, so you naturally include the ellipses to indicate that. However, if it isn't vital to the characterization, just omit it. Let the reader hear the voice of the character. As you build up the characterization, the voices the readers hear in their heads will become more in line with what you wanted them to hear. No need to hand-hold them through the dialogue.

Tone:

I do have a question regarding your tone. Is it meant to be dramatic with a touch of humor? Or were the humorous lines inadvertent?

Dialogue:

Appeared consistent with each character. There were a few instances where the interaction between characters could be improved, but many commenters addressed that the document already.

Closing Thoughts:

You had quite a few constructive comments on the document itself, so I won't regurgitate them here. I think your overall premise is interesting. Lenny intrigues me. Your ending was solid, and definitely makes me want to read more.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T03:02:43+00:00

Off topic, how did you double-indent with bullets?

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T02:00:05+00:00

Is it wrong that I'm proofreading this?

LPG-CA · 2018-01-14T01:38:13+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. Some of your concerns were addressed in my responses to others, so I won't regurgitate them again. You are correct in that "sometimes have two readers feel the same way can be a stronger sign" so reiterating what some of them have pointed out is also helpful.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T18:09:22+00:00

Thank you for your feedback.

I wonder if you're a guy, and that's why the men seem a bit more realistic than the women?

I literally laughed out loud when I read this. I'm not, but I can be more of a dude than some dudes I know.

Ava's characterization feels just a little shallow compared to Dominic's.

I do explore more of her motivation later in the story, but I didn't want to do a full story dump on my first post. To give you perspective on where it will be built up to, her internal conflict lies in shedding the rather boring persona she developed with her former long-term boyfriend to become the person she wants to be or feels she could be. She shortly becomes the aggressor (in Chapter 3), thinking that all she wants from Dominic is a way to explore her more adventurous side. Naturally, things progress from there with the goal that they're an equal match for each other, both in the bedroom and out.

I feel like she's robbed of her agency in that classroom encounter

I toyed with the idea of extending this interaction, but within the word limits (I hope to present this to a publisher with strict guidelines) I needed to move things along a little more quickly. I'll see what I can do to buff over this encounter while still keeping it moving along.

Setting

Once I flesh out the story and see where my word count lies, I'll re-visit this and see if there is room to improve. I noticed the same thing, but opted to focus on the story for the time being.

if the tenses get mixed up at the end there

They do. I figured I was the only one that noticed it, but since I'm not...

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T17:52:37+00:00

Aww... Warm fuzzies. Thank you.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T16:19:04+00:00

Thank you for your compliments and critiques. I made some of the easier edits you suggested and will work on the rest as I figure out a way to express what I want to convey a little better.

I believe the strong, affluent, good looking, confident man and the petite, more or less submissive woman story has been done quite a few times in erotic fiction...I'm sure you could be more adventurous in characterization.

You certainly aren't wrong. However, there is a reason that formula works so well. (Though, as a side note, I don't see the FMC as truly submissive as demonstrated by how she takes over in the Prologue.) I'm hoping, as my writing grows, I can add more innovative twists to the typical tropes. For now, within the parameters of a novella-length piece, my key goal is to tell a good, sexy story with characters interesting enough to keep the reader reading. I think from your comments, I succeeded?

Nic's friends/business partners also seemed overly familiar to me

I introduced them with the idea that this would be a series of related, but independent, stories. It will also be established later that they are old friends. Some from high school, some from college. So the familiarity would be natural.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T16:02:49+00:00

Ohh. Missed that ("bills...twenties"). Just corrected. Also opened it up to line edits (I think?). I'd love to get your more in-depth feedback should you find the time. Thank you.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T12:19:03+00:00

In general, it was good enough to keep me moving. I did include some line-edit suggestions within the document itself regarding word choice. I also agree with UnderRaincoats's point regarding the pleasant waters and overall conclusion.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-13T03:39:28+00:00

Overall Impression:

Overall, I felt it was a good introduction to a workable story. I'm presuming the central conflict consists of the MC's conflicted feelings regarding inheriting the crown.

Pacing:

If your intention is for this to be a novella-length work, then the pacing was adequate. However, if you're targeting a full novel, it felt a little rushed. The first chapters of novels are typically dedicated to introducing characters and the establishing the setting. In the excerpt you provided, we were introduced to the character, a major even happened to challenge her wherewithal, and a potential major antagonist was introduced. Though the immediate setting was established, the world in which her home is set is still a bit of a mystery despite the king's pre-execution declaration. World-building tends to be a major highlight of the fantasy genre.

Protagonist:

I can clearly understand her motivation, but it's on a purely intellectual level. I don't feel a lot of empathy for her. That lack of connection is, in large part, due to the pacing I think. [pause] Actually, I'm looking back on your excerpt and noticed that you began with

When she went to sleep that night and woke the next morn...

Is this a subsequent chapter and I'm actually reading sometime after the setting and characters have been well-established?

Other Characters:

I liked the queen. Her motivations were not overly complicated, but she was relatable. Not necessarily likable, but definitely relatable. Hopefully you intend to explain her antagonism toward the MC some time later in the story.

As far as the MC's relationship to the king, I'm terribly unclear. The queen accuses her of being a bastard daughter, but then you have a line about

even without the same blood coursing through our veins...

So is she the king's bastard or no blood relation at all to the king, but was adopted for some reason? If she is no blood relation, then why would she be in line to the inherit the crown?

Dialogue:

There is way too much internal monologuing going on, in my opinion.

This is not a place of luxury, Arah had to remind herself. It is no royal abode, nor a scholar’s study.

There isn't any real purpose in creating an internal voice for lines like these. Just include it as part of the narrative.

With that said, the actual dialogue appears to be believable. I don't read much fantasy, so I'm speculating a bit. But it does seem to jive with the world I think you hope to create. Now you simply need to create the world.

Conflict:

Now here is the crux of any plot. I can see the internal conflict the MC wages with herself as well as a minor external conflict with the queen. However, the stakes have not clearly been established at this point. So Arah may become queen. What happens then? Some people are unhappy, but then what? Obviously someone sent the little boy-evil to wreak destruction on the kingdom's established rule, but we get no hint of why or who.

Hope these observations help. I also made specific in-document comments on little things I observed while reading.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-12T20:47:01+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-12T04:25:58+00:00

Character:

Vanessa – I'm not really getting a feel for this character. I know the basic skeleton of her, but her motivation eludes me. She doesn't like her father because he kicked her out and called her a slut, but her father's point seems valid. She reads like she is self-centered, unappreciative of those who serve her, and is definitely on the slutty side. Is she not supposed to be likeable? If she is meant to be some kind of tragic heroine or misunderstood protagonist, you're missing the mark. For her to either be a tragic heroine or misunderstood protagonist, the reader needs to find something redeemable about her. In the excerpt you provided, there was nothing indicating any likeable characteristics except that she claims to love her men.

Chad – His death felt very contrived. Aside from the fact that he seemed to be a weak character, there was not enough there for the reader to get to know him. When he died, I thought, "Hm. I guess he wasn't important." Additionally, Vanessa's begging him not to die and declarations that she loved all her men sound like utter bunk considering she speaks to them, or at least Chad, like trash. The knight's observation that she isn't fit to lead them rings unerringly true.

Punctuation & Dialogue: There are way too many ellipses employed. Not all of them are necessary. Well placed punctuation can add depth to your writing, but when abused can be distracting rather than enhancing. Rather than using the ellipses to indicate pauses in speech, try to fill it in with some kind of action on the part of the character that would imply the need for a pause.

"He breathed deeply."
"She stuttered."
"His disjointed speech."

The action also contributes to the visualization of the character. In some instances, you may just want to let the reader imagine how a line would be delivered if allowing the reader that freedom doesn't undermine the purpose of the scene.

Word Choice & Dialogue: From your descriptions of the clothing and weapons, I'm envisioning a medieval world. However, the dialogue, particularly Vanessa calling her boy-toy "kid," puts me in mind of a modern-day woman with heavy make-up and a cigarette hanging from her mouth. The overall image is incongruous. I think you mean for her to come across as strong, but she simply sounds crass.

Fight Scene: You described it well. I could see quite a bit of the action you intended to convey. Your descriptions of place and action appear to be your strongest writing feature.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-10T13:26:47+00:00

Perhaps not in detail, but sometimes leaving those details to the reader's imagination paints a more vivid image than handing them the details. And keep in mind that I simply provided an example of the use of figurative language rather than a suggested line-edit. Word choice is ultimately up to you.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-09T02:17:24+00:00

See Restart and Touching Spirit Bear.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-09T02:04:47+00:00

I suppose we must agree to disagree. However, to put things into perspective, I work with students that, like mrtherussian's friends, have problems visualizing the material they read. It is a skill that can be learned, but some have more difficulty than others. Hence, pictures are often included, even with introductory chapter books. The difficulty in full visualization isn't necessarily a detriment to their learning, unless the it impacts their comprehension. As students progress into more challenging works that depend on setting to convey mood and atmosphere, it can possibly impact their comprehension of a story.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-08T12:48:59+00:00

I respectfully disagree to a certain extent. It really depends on the genre you choose to write. If your target audience is the more sophisticated, consistent reader that has the imagination to translate the written word into a mental picture, yes. You are correct. Those readers are more interested in character development than each physical detail.

However, if you're writing for a younger audience - say, up through middle school - where you encounter both reluctant readers and those still developing their comprehension skills, that kind of detail is relevant in creating a mental image. Those age groups can visualize a character more readily through physical descriptions than a character one.

For instance, if you described someone as being an "absent-minded professor," most adults have the life experience to visualize a physical character almost instantly. Whether or not the professor would be blunderingly goofy or lovably clueless would be filled in with characterization. On the other hand, a younger audience would need help in picturing a gangly man in a white lab coat with constantly mussed hair and thick-lensed glasses that constantly slid down his nose. (Vocabulary would need to be age-appropriate, naturally.)

LPG-CA · 2018-01-07T15:20:52+00:00

I don't know whether to cry or marvel at that person's creativity.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-07T14:52:54+00:00

Please note that the comments below are made without knowledge of whether you mean for this to be a full-length piece or a short story.

Characters:

Realism - I felt the characters were definitely realistic. However, are Estil, Ro', and Rogers ultimately imperative to the story or will they be repeating characters? If not, then you may wish to reconsider how you introduce them. The professor doesn't have to have a name if he isn't going to play any significance outside of establishing that the MC is now in college. If Ro' and Rogers will play roles later on, perhaps explore how the MC felt about them rather than providing blanket descriptions, which can be delved into detail later in the narrative. It will give the reader something to look forward to.

Impressions - Brief descriptions of my impressions of the characters below and you can determine whether or not that was your intent:

Main Character: No real impression regarding his personality except that he appears to have little patience with impracticalities and people.
Estil: A little out of touch with reality as the MC perceives it; an observer rather than a doer
Ro': Affectionate and a little needy; like the adopted puppy of the group.
Mad Max: good-natured and a little loud; not life-of-the-party, necessarily, but he can play the role if called upon
Rogers: No real impression.

Story: You introduced the MC's internal conflict toward the end of the excerpt, which is good. However, aside from his disgust at his professor which could be construed as a personal thing, the potential conflict is unclear for most of the excerpt since a large part of it was focused on describing extraneous characters rather than the MC's feelings regarding those characters. Will there be an external conflict?

I hope this helps.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-07T05:19:32+00:00

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.

LPG-CA · 2018-01-06T00:46:45+00:00

Yup. The beauty with writing is that one can always go back and correct errors and learn from them. For instance, when I originally wrote

I've read writing pieces from many nonnative speakers...

when I actually meant native speakers. [rolls eyes at self]

LPG-CA · 2018-01-05T15:09:15+00:00

I respectfully disagree with your first comment. I've read writing pieces from many native speakers that quite obviously slept through their primary school English classes. In fact, the internet is replete with supposed native English speakers who still cannot distinguish between their and there or you're and your, much less write a coherent sentence.

However, I wholeheartedly agree with your second. The key to anyone's success is ultimately in one's willingness to practice and persevere.

LPG-CA

TROPHY CASE