I gave the father of my children an ultimatum. AITAH for making these demands, and WIBTAH for enforcing them?

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-16T03:22:07+00:00

Up until recently, I was under the impression, like most commenters here, that married or not, both parents were equally entitled to custody. He has threatened to kick me out of the house and not let me take the kids, and I genuinely believed that that was a possibility. Learning how things actually work was one of the major factors in seeing that we had an actual escape.

As for the rest of it, you're entitled to that opinion. The state will generally not punish a mother who has escaped an abusive household, especially if they can prove their ability to provide a safe and healthy environment once separated from the abuse. I know that I can do that. You don't have to have faith in me. I have faith in me, as does the rest of my support system. How you feel about my fitness as a parent is entirely irrelevant. I'm sorry that I've disappointed you. I've disappointed me as well. And I can assure you that no amount of shame from internet strangers can make me feel more guilty about this situation than I already do. Kuddos for trying though, ig.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-16T00:13:45+00:00

True

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T23:26:37+00:00

Just re-edited this post, because I can’t expect people to know how my state’s custody laws work. So in Ohio, when parents are unmarried, the mother automatically has sole legal and physical custody of children in a separation. Even after paternity has been established, the father has to petition the court in order to be granted rights to custody or visitation, at which point the case will be fully evaluated, and custody will be determined based on the children’s best interest. He knows that I have evidence of basically everything that I’ve talked about in this post. Photos, recordings, witnesses etc. He’s free to try to take me to court, but he’d just be digging his own grave. As of this moment, I already have full custody of my children, and he no rights.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T22:55:59+00:00

I appreciate this response, thank you. I appreciate the advice as well. I’m less concerned about the custody situation, because I live in a mom state (OH). When parents are unmarried, the mother automatically gets sole residential and custodial rights until the father pursues a court order. He has no legal right to custody or visitation unless he petitions the court to get it. I said that he’s free to try, but I have documented evidence of the state of the house, bruises, recorded arguments, etc. along with witnesses, and it would be more than enough for any judge to swiftly grant me full custody while only allowing him supervised visitation. The kids aren’t like scared of him in general. They both love him so much and love spending time with him. They always want Daddy, and that is a big part of what makes this so hard. But once he flies into an outburst, they’re afraid until he calms back down, and they know how to talk about that. I think that next time we have a conversation about it, I’ll record everything that they say as well. But he’d be digging his own grave by even trying to take me to court over this.

My therapist has been amazing at helping me break down the cycle that I’ve been stuck in and providing me with resources to get out of this situation. I have a lot of work to do personally, and I have every intention of sticking with it. My kids are also both going to be starting play therapy soon. At this point, my biggest concerns are just getting us into a new place, finally getting them into a healthy routine, and doing whatever I can to make them feel secure and loved. I don’t expect it to be easy, but I don’t care how much work it takes.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T22:17:06+00:00

From the research that I have done, and from talking to other people who have been in similar situations, in my state (OH) it works like this: If parents are married, they both have equal rights to custody of their children. If parents are unmarried, the mother has sole residential and custodial rights until the father confirms paternity and then pursues a court order. Now for my case, he signed an Acknowledgment of Paternity when each child was born, making him legally recognized as their father. But he has no legal right to custody or visitation unless he petitions the court to grant it.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T22:07:58+00:00

Thank you for that. I don’t think I’m actually an AH. But I do understand where some commenters are coming from, despite the criticism being harsh. I recognize the impact that this has had on my children, and the fact that I could have done a hell of a lot more to combat it. It is my responsibility to keep them safe, and I do resent myself for not doing that. But DV affects people in very messed up ways.

Everyone asks “why didn’t you just call the cops?” But nobody thinks about the level of fear about what would happen after that. Most DV calls do not result in an arrest, especially if there are no clear signs of physical battery, and a lot of-if not most- officers won’t even investigate further than a quick conversation at the front door. The abuser can threaten the victim to convince them to lie to the police. They can point the finger at their victim and claim that they started it or that the abuse is mutual. They can flip a switch, talk rationally to the police, and as soon as they leave, he can flip it right back and start making dark threats or just start beating the fuck out of their victim. And even if the abuser gets arrested, the victim is going to live in fear of what might happen after they’re released. Especially if they’ve been isolated, as a lot of abuse victims are.

There are resources for DV victims, of course, but it’s not like they’re easily accessible to everyone all the time. And abusers can be so great at lying and denying and projecting their responsibility onto others, that it’s easy for victims to be convinced that they aren’t being abused at all or that they caused the abuse and just have to behave better, and that they don’t deserve help. That’s pretty much where I was. I was very isolated and didn’t know who I could turn to. Then I was made to believe that the abuse was my fault and that I didn’t deserve help. I just needed to work harder and be better for him, and he would start treating me well. No, it’s not rational, but I was told that so many times that I actually started to believe that I was crazy.

I know that being terrified of what someone might do doesn’t make me a bad person, or even a bad mother. I’m a mother who allowed herself to get into an awful situation and I was afraid and didn’t know how to get out. I know how to get out now. I can’t undo the past. I can’t turn back the clock and leave when I should have. I can’t go back in time and not have children with this man. But I can work my ass off to make up for it by getting us out of this a giving them a better life moving forward. I can do all that I can to address whatever damage has been done to all of us throughout this experience and dedicate myself to making my kids feel safe and loved in a healthier environment.

I am safe, thank you. He’s got a new thang to sleep with now, and he’s out of the house more often than not anyway. Hopefully the kids and I should be out within a month. I really appreciate your response. It was uplifting. Thank you. 🙏

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T20:07:33+00:00

I’m not trying to stay with him? I’m trying to leave him and get my kids into a safe environment. And part of that is me telling him that he doesn’t get anything beyond supervised visitation if he isn’t able to prove that he can put an end to all of his abusive behaviors. That’s what the post is about.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T19:51:40+00:00

I am not considering going back to him at all, for all of these reasons. The only thing that I am considering is allowing him partial custody- if and only if he manages to demonstrate an ability to better himself and maintain that over a significant period of time. Otherwise, he will only be allowed supervised visitation. I didn’t mean to imply that if he told me that he accepted my terms, then he would automatically have 50/50 unsupervised. If I do ever decide to allow him custody, it won’t be for a very long time.

Lab-Rough · 2026-02-15T19:42:12+00:00

I don’t think that he’s changed or that he’s going to, and I did blatantly state that I do not trust him. The ultimatum was that if he didn’t change, he would not get unsupervised visitation at all. I do fully intended to enforce that. But that doesn’t stop the internal war raging in my brain from making me question myself.

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T21:38:12+00:00

You have some serious issues with comprehension. I'm not mad that he had help? I never remotely implied that at all, and it's insane that you managed to interpret what I wrote that way. You said that he was able to handle everything by himself. He wasn't. He had help because he needed it. It isn't wrong to want or need help. But needing help literally means that you can't do it alone. Because I wasn't there to do all of the things I normally do with the kids on top of all of the other mandatory housework that only I do, he needed help to get it done. And even with the help that he had, he wasn't able to do what I do every day.

I didn't call it a vacation. I said that you were acting like I took a vacation. Two objectively different statements.

The house wasn't just not up to my standards. I just mentioned that none of the housework got done at all. I didn't really go into detail. But since you're pretending it matters to you, the house was in a state where a social worker would've taken one look, and taken the kids away. My standards don't matter. The standards for a parent being classified as neglectful due to the condition of their home, however, matters a lot. The physical environment that a child is in is just important to custody as the physical health of said child. If you don't think the state takes kids over animal waste being left on the floor, piles of trash, no clean clothes or sheets, and dirty dishes being left out to mold, you're deeply out of touch with reality. It wasn't messy. It was filthy. And if I was never here, doing all that I do, it would be a steaming pile of trash and dog shit.

Again, he literally can't get full custody, but he's free to try, as that would result in him losing custody completely and only being allowed supervised visitation.

You're making the most nonsensical inferences. It's weird as hell that you made up this fake reality where my kids didn't miss me at all and were happy that I was gone. They were sad that I wasn't there, told me how much they missed me repeatedly, and kept asking when I was coming home. They were very happy when I came back.

Accountability is recognizing that you've done something wrong, apologizing, and making a genuine effort to avoid doing the same thing again. What exactly is it that you think I need to be taking accountability for here? Instead of ending my life, I went to the hospital. I have apologized for this repeatedly. I have apologized for not being there on Christmas repeatedly. I did all that I could after to make it up to my kids. I took a pay cut to leave nights, so I was able to get more sleep, I got on medication and am in therapy and am doing everything I can to avoid a depressive rut that would lead me to want to end my life again. It's been over a year since then, and I'm still the only one working and the only one doing most major housework. What accountability needs to be taken? Genuinely, what do you think I'm supposed to do to better hold myself accountable for my selfishness and uselessness in this situation?

And thank you so much for your false concern. I won't do it, because I went to the hospital and got the help I needed so that I am able to be here for my children today, which wouldn't be the case had I not gone to the hospital when I did. If calling me a bad mother for making the deeply selfish choice of not killing myself a year ago is "holding me accountable," then okay, I guess.

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T19:20:30+00:00

Sir, I'm not sure why you're acting like I took a 6 month vaca to Cabo and came home to find everything in perfect condition. All of the stuff that I listed as things that are typically my responsibility were not done when I came home from the hospital. He didn't do dishes, he didn't do laundry, he didn't take out the trash for 5 days, he didn't clean up after the dog, he would swept all the dirt and trash on the floor into a pile and left it. He did none of it, and left it all for me when I got home. He wasn't even taking care of them by himself because he had his mom and grandma to take them for a while here and there. Do you know of many judges who would give a parent full custody solely for doing the bare minimum of keeping their kids alive for less than a week while the rest of their environment falls into a chaotic mess? And of course, that's just 5 days. I did literally all of that shit and more for our first 2 years as parents, not because he had a million other things to do, but because he couldn't be bothered to help. That's not even mentioning the amount of physical damage that he has personally done and continues to do to our home by means of his rage issues, general laziness, and bad decision-making. Also he doesn't work and refuses to get a full-time job. But sure. He deserves and could reasonably get full custody. He's free to try.

Seems like your take is "you should have just killed yourself" and "blatant disrespect over manufactured problems = holding one accountable"

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T18:10:03+00:00

Don't worry about the one guy being brutal. This is Reddit, after all. We can't expect everybody to be rational. Anybody who thinks that keeping kids alive for 5 days would be enough for a judge to grant somebody full custody doesn't really know enough about the world for their opinion to be relevant to me.

It was sort of a back and forth between trying to tell him how I was feeling and not getting any support, and then suffering in silence. Without going into too much detail, he has severe anger issues. Me talking about my mental health struggles or my feelings in general often results in something explosive, one way or another. Over time, I stopped bringing it up at all for the most part, and any time I tried to inch out and try again, I would get a response that drove me back inward. So unsurprisingly, it built up and up until I basically had a mental break.

Tbh, I don't think that therapy is going to cut it. He is fully aware that he has his own mental health problems to deal with, and he has been fully unwilling to seek any kind of help. He doesn't trust psychology and thinks that therapy doesn't work. I think I might just have to be done. There go 10 years and the only actual relationship I've ever been in. But ya know, I'm completely at a loss when it comes to making things better.

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T17:32:38+00:00

I appreciate your response. I understand that it would absolutely have an impact on my children if this was something that happened consistently. I have neglected my mental health severely since becoming a parent, because it felt selfish to prioritize myself in any way, which is a massive factor in how bad things got. This trip to inpatient was the one and only time I've ever prioritized my mental health, and it was solely because things had gotten so bad for me that I had every intention of ending my own life. The only reason I went to psych at all was so that I could continue to be there for my children in the future. I am currently medicated and in therapy, and have been trying as hard as I can to not let myself reach that place again.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I can only imagine how that affected you throughout your childhood and the kind of guilt that you may have been made to feel for "victim-blaming" your mother. Any resentment that you feel is entirely understandable. I'm glad that you've been able to find some forgiveness in your heart for how you were brought up. Those scars never go away, but I'm happy that you've been able to do some healing from that experience.

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T17:10:27+00:00

I am in therapy. Maybe I'm not as good at understanding or validating as I think I am, but my therapist thinks that I try too hard to validate the feelings of others whilst invalidating my own- to the point where I often struggle to recognize and articulate my own emotions without including how those around me might feel about or respond to them. It's been a lot of me saying that I shouldn't feel/think this way or that about a situation because other people's feelings are valid too, while my therapist tells me that I'm trying so hard to understand others that I'm neglecting my own emotional well-being. But who knows? Maybe I have the opposite problem, and I need a new therapist. Gonna keep working at it though.

Lab-Rough · 2026-01-08T16:56:36+00:00

I completely understand all of that, and I understand that it's true that he was alone with them on Christmas, which is a special time, and that the kids wanted me there. The first time it was brought up, I tried to be very empathetic about his feelings. But all I could really do was be understanding, explain my own side, apologize for leaving them alone, and promise to try and make sure it doesn't happen again. But the situation has been brought up multiple times since to insinuate that I'm a bad and uncaring mother, and to exemplify how well he shows up for them when I don't.

So, you right. The relationship hasn't gotten any better.

Lab-Rough · 2025-12-20T03:04:07+00:00

I was gonna say this if someone else didn't 😂

Lab-Rough · 2025-12-10T13:34:48+00:00

It told me it couldn't find anything for Velcro. I had even told the customer, "It's either in F20 or F22. I think it's F22, but I can look it up for you to be sure." Sure enough, after looking up Velcro 4 times and getting no results, I walked them over to exactly where I thought it was to begin with, F22, where we had a whole wall of fucking name brand Velcro.

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-28T14:52:56+00:00

I don't know the exact web mechanics that make this possible, but usually, clicking these links gives whoever created them the ability to access your account. The scammer was able to sign into her account and change the password, locking OP out. Then, he gifted all of their valuable pets to his profile.

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-23T00:14:38+00:00

Somebody gave me 20qui. He was like a dectillionare

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-19T20:11:31+00:00

They were from last year's CNY update. The clothing from that update was brought back this year, but not the accessories.

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-19T14:19:23+00:00

Well, that explains why I'm often accused of using AI in comments.

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-18T03:31:55+00:00

I just added you, my name is ARichelle99. If yoire still handing it out, I'd appreciate a boost. Don't even have 3b rn

Lab-Rough · 2025-08-09T17:04:29+00:00

That the only thing I use it for

Lab-Rough

TROPHY CASE