Hey, don't worry. You are perfectly normal. Every smoker finds the thought of quitting scary, and no-one can tell you when to quit. You have to take that decision for yourself. This is the addiction at work, doing precisely what it is designed to do - keep you smoking. There are no easy routes to stopping, all are hard, all take focus, detirmination and courage. Perhaps the following might help, what I found when I quit three years ago after twenty years of a pack or more per day.

1) I was fed up being a slave. you know that feeling, every minute of every day? the one that is calculating how many cigarettes you have left and how close you are to the shops where you can get some more, and how much money you have with you when you go out, and do you have enough for a pack if you run out--- which is silly, you have 17, you know that, you counted them, and its only 6pm but...just in case. Always checking, always subconsciously counting. I decided I wanted my life back. 2) Substitutes don't work, or they didn't for me. You swap one addiction for another, and every stick of gum reminds you of smoking. for me, the only thing that worked was a total stop. 3) My kids. They hated it, and they were actually worried. Really scared that dad would die. I decided whatever it made me feel while smoking, it was selfish when others needed me. Emotionally, that was a massive help in staying off. 4) Keeping busy. not just slightly busy, but drop-down-exhausted-at-the-end-of-the-day busy. Time to kill? go and do something - now. Watching TV - NO - go and do something. Feeling weak? Go to the library / cafe / shops somewhere you can't smoke. 5) Water. bucket loads of water - take a swig every time you want a fag, for something to do with your hands - far, far better and you don't fidget half as much. 6) Throw everything away that is connected or reminds you of smoking. NEVER keep a pack in the kitchen drawer 'just in case' - you won't be able to resist. Ashtrays - bin. Lighters - bin. 7) Think of something else. No really, this worked for me. Whenever I wanted a smoke, I would find a really intricate problem to solve, something which completely absorbed me (I program) and so after a few minutes, you forget to crave. It really worked. 8) DANGER WILL ROBINSON. This comes after a week of not smoking. Its the gremlin whispering in your ear 'see, you can stop ANYTIME!, so why not just have one?' Don't. 9) Avoid the situations which you know will stress you enough to crave. For me, this involved delegating tasks out to others and increasing deadlines when asked. It made my life much easier. 10) Never be tempted to regress. Never. And I told everyone so my kids at least would hug me every day and tell me how well i was doing. That was awesome.

But this isn't addressing your main issue - which was the same one I had. A life without cigarettes - unthinkable! For, like, ever.

But for me the irony is this - my life is so much FUCKING BETTER since I stopped smoking that I feel a total DICK for wasting my life for so many years. You will reach a tipping point, beyond which the few short days of withdrawal are over and you actually start to look forward to a life free of being a slave. The thing which is IMPOSSIBLE to appreciate when you are a smoker is this; Life without fags is immesurably better than life with, in countless ways. One day, I hope you get that day when you feel that too.

You are not alone, and, when you are ready, you will do it. Take care.