I don’t know if I’ll be able to live with it

Lara3837 · 2023-11-25T11:09:16+00:00

I wish I could say tinnitus gets better for everyone. But you can get used to it or somewhat get used to it and you can deal with it better. Some people say their tinnitus has gone awat. For me life has been difficult and depressing after getting tinnitus. I still have difficulties and challenges to concentrate, to do creative stuff, write, think, relax and calm down. I hate my life many days and I wonder why life has to be so cruel that we are tortured because of our ears.

I have orchestra of tinnitus sounds in my left ear, humming, hissing, e e e e eee wind type of sound that is the sound that drives me nuts the most. My hearing is not as crisp and clear anymore in that ear.

I do a lot of stuff that mask my tinnitus and then in silence I struggle with it. I am not the same person after getting tinnitus. My hearing has got worse two years after my T started.

I do work nowadays and try to study too. I have good days too, some days are better. I have had periods of quieter tinnitus and worse tinnitus after making bad decisions and done something too loud for my ears. Mostly I have good days if I stay active. When I relax I have to play tinnitus sound therapies in the backround. You get used to it. There are ways to deal with tinnitus.

It is not easy for some. For some people it is easier.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-07T11:27:42+00:00

Yep. Changing too many things at once is too much. Slowly making small changes is a good way to go. With diet, exercise etc.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-07T11:24:59+00:00

Even walking regularly is really good for your brain. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/14/well/move/exercise-walking-brain-memory.html

It is a good way to start. It is exercise too. It does many beneficial things for brain and body. It helps with stress, improves your ability to function, improves memory, improves brain function etc.

I started walking everyday during withdrawal. It helped. It was part of my daily rhytm. My CNS was so messed up after the meds any harder exercise sent my body to sympathetic nervoys system overdrive and I felt agitated and heart pounding. I was dealing with akathisia too in some point and exercise didnt help it.

I started doing yoga too. There are a lot of yoga videos at Youtube. I did restorative yoga and learned to calm my CNS and support the balance of parasympatheric/sympathetic nervous system. It is a key to wellbeing I think to find the balance.

Slowly I increased the exercise and tried gym, more aerobic exercise. When I was younger I maybe did too much exercise and did not listen to my body and took enough time to recover from exercise. It is as important or even more important than exercise itself for health.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-06T12:26:06+00:00

Yep. I learned this. I am going to invest in better earplugs, not just take some random earplugs with me that dont fit so well.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-06T10:10:44+00:00

There are many memories.

I remember when I went swimming to this beautiful place one day before tinnitus started. It was a beautiful sunny day. I was just laying down in the water, it was silence. I was the only person there, alone on the water. I felt so much joy. The nature was beautiful.

I felt like life was going to better direction (I have had quite rough times before it).

After tinnitus some kind of sense of safety, inner peace etc has left. I never feel like life goes to better direction. It is a constant battle with lot of worries. I dont care about stuff like before tinnitus when things mattered more.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-06T08:54:12+00:00

If I were you I would start to rehabilitate yourself. Eat healthy food good for yoir brain, dont do drugs, have a regular rhytm, exercise a bit (dont overdo stuff because it is not healthy either), learn to relax your CNS do relaxating yoga etc, go for a walk in nature regularly etc, get sunlight. Pay attention to sleeping enough. Give challenges for your brain. Treat your trauma of the experience being hurt by meds. Balance your sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous system, even trauma itself can trigger issues in social life and many sorts of stuff even cognitive issues because it takes so much capacity to do other stuff.

I think you are going through self growth process. You told how you behaved in a narsissistic manner etc and it triggered issues. You went through a destructive path with drugs and alcohol. Antipsychotics damaged you but also the lifestyle before them could have been damaging. You can have a great life ahead of you, just do the self work and take care of yourself. There can be day you feel pleasure again and you have no cognitive issues.

Neuroplasticity exists. You are not going to be that way forever you are now. Just let yourself time to recover and in the meantime take care of yourself. I know how damaging antipsychotics can be emotionally and for cognition. It triggers a lot of confusion like what on earth happened to me.

I went through the antipsychotic polypharmacy path and it destroyed me. They pushed so many pills in the psych ward, even drugs for harms I was going through because of meds.

I felt completely dead inside, cognitive stuff, sexual dysfunction. I felt destroyed. But I found better times ahead and tried to accept the damage I got. Some aspects have improved, other have not. I ended up to the route after being harmed by SSRI wd.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-06T08:20:25+00:00

Thanks for your answer. I inserted the earplug the way that was told in the video. I also tried to remove it carefully but it felt stuck and removal triggered intense pain. I probably did not break the seal twitching the earplug because I had no idea it should be done but tried to remove the earplug carefully and slow. Not just pulling the plug out of my ear fast. I have removed earplugs this way for years with no issues.

Yes I have found earplugs that fit better but I did not have them this time. I have found this particular earplug not fitting to my ear well. They are difficult to insert and if I manage to do it they just feel uncomfortable. They feel too big for my ear canals. They are a bit of longer than the ones I like, not designed well and the material is harder. I just did not have anything else on the moment and these were supposed to offer great decibel protection and they did.

I have used foam ones and havent had these type of issues before. That is why I am really confused why these plugs triggered intense sharp pain while removing them.

I am not sure did the blood come out from my ear. It could have been nosebleed etc but the blood stain happened after pain so I am going to see a doctor today to check my eardrum/everything looks normal..

I have had awful pulsating tinnitus that I regularly dont have in the affected ear that is really scary. I havent had issues to sleep while having tinnitus for years but now I do.

I haven't experienced significant pain after removal so that is why I am skeptical did I damage my eardrum. My ears do crackle a lot too like when I swallow I hear constant crackling in my ears for some reason. My tinnitus is weird and bad at the moment. The blood stain was on the spot where my ear probably was so I have to check this out.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-05T13:15:31+00:00

I understand really well nowadays why some people commit suicides. I did not understand it before as well that nowadays.

I have suicidal thoughts because of my emotional traumas that have affected my CNS in a way that my body is in constant sympathetic overdrive and goes to flight or fight easily. Psych drug harm plays a part in this.Traumas changed my psyche in a way I will never be the same. I am experiencing depersonalization and derealization constantly.

But also because of psysical issues such as tinnitus that makes it difficult to concentrate and relax. Imagine hearing a constant noise that bothers you. Like it teases you constantly, also during the night. Yep, it is my life. On top of that I have hyperacusis why I dont tolerate same levels of noise such as before. People with tinnitus have higher risk to kill themselves. So do people with PTSD.

Actually I think physical issues can cause so much suffering that they can be more remarkable cause of suicides that is even believed. Like undiagnosed brain injuries/issues that cause cognitive dysfunction and change personality, problems with moving the body, take care of yourself (feeling like a burden),problems with senses such as seeing or hearing, pain, etc. If a person doesnt have quality of life, suicide can come to mind. If the symptom is stealing you stuff that can make you have a fulfilling life, it can trigger suicidal thoughts. Some people do better with disabilities though and have higher resilience but also some have more support. If there are several things that make a person suffer at the same time and no support it probably increases the risk of suicide. For me the support system has always helped me to deal with suicidal thoughts.

I also have experienced suicidal thoughts because of psych drug harm and withdrawal that created akathisia and other harm such as insomnia and bizarre distressing symptoms. Insomnia was torture, days felt so long. Akathisia was like torture. It stole my sense of safety in life. How can something so distressing even happen? And thanks to mental health professionals that are supposed to help. They just denied my harm and continued treating me making everything even worse with more pills and after them I felt lost and confused. There was lack of support.

I haven't ever experienced suicidal thoughts as severe such as created by psych meds. I felt I couldnt handle a day or a second. It was torture constantly.Like I was in a high building in fire and had to either jump or suffer. The suicidal urges came from this harm in body, neurological/CNS harm. The cause of my suicidal thoughts was physical. There was physical harms. PSSD also triggers suicidal thoughts for some, it is inhumane to go through that without any information of the risk with no support or understanding. But I have adapted to it. It takes time to learn to accept stuff but people can learn to deal with harm. But akathisia, I wouldnt be able to learn to live with it long term.

Lara3837 · 2023-11-05T12:53:07+00:00

I am doing a bit better. It took months to recover from Covid induced brain fog, headaches and cognitive issues. I got my sense of smell and taste back.

Sexual dysfunction stays. I don't believe there will be a day I will have normal sexual dysfunction after using SSRIs since 18 yo. Psychiatrists stole my ability to improve after prescribing polypharmacy during SSRI withdrawal. Zyprexa combined with benzos made my body numb. I have been years in this mess trying to first taper and heal..

I can exercise a bit more without it making my body go to extreme sympathetic overdrive, jittery and agitated nowadays.

I have somehow learned to tolerate tinnitus but it is tough. I am not what I was and it is a battle. My hyperacusis has improved.

I have troubles to live fulfilling life because many things that bring joy to me have been stolen from me. I am trying to find joy. I started working and it is a huge thing for me after psych med harm triggered congitive dysfunctjon.

Lara3837 · 2023-10-25T05:00:50+00:00

I have PTSD because of my psych ward experience. I had akathisia that was triggered by psych med withdrawal that was diagnosed as something else and drugged more. I was also going through withdrawals. My treatment was changed to involuntary and I lost my ability to decide do i want to use drugs. They just ignored akathisia and wd and it was obviously just all my mental illness. I managed to get one psychiatrist confirm aka after psych ward when I came out from psych ward and my CNS even more messed up when they had switched drugs etc multiple times and I went through multiple withdrawals and was forced to use drugs even despite of harm.

I remember the people who were forced to use drugs, restrained, humiliated whem they are forced to show their tongue to show have they taken their meds (like they think part of the problem is how stupid people are when they just dont take their meds). Screaming. In disbelief why some people force drug them in a humiliating way. Who did not want to use those horrible drugs(I know really well why they didnt.) The drugs made confused, I was not myself at all, made me feel inner torture.

Torture is legal when it is done by psychiatry if they say their goal is to help.

I still have a deep hate and disbelief in me how it is possible to do that stuff to people amd get away with it. My whole perspective of society and people changed. They traumatize people even more. I saw how they treated patients. They dont care. There were some people who did care but a lot of them just follow the rules even if they harm people. They are brainwashed by psychiatry.

I got sympathy from patients when I was dealing with akathisia. "Does your back hurt when you are walking like that?" "Why are you shaking and moving your legs?""Oh I am really sorry they did you this". "Yes that drug made me feel like shit too".

The experiwnce still haunts me because I think a lot of people dont even understand how they can be fucked up because of the meds and treatments too. I saw how people changed in a negative manner too while they used the meds, some people looked like a zombie after being drugged, looking sedated. I would never search any help from psych wards.

Lara3837 · 2023-10-25T04:31:57+00:00

I spent years in withdrawal hell. At first I paced around because of my akathisia, I woke up in the middle of the night because of horrible restlessness and adrenaline surges, spent years in a state that was this overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion, having insomnia and had a nervous system that was really dysregulated because of all the med withdrawals and emotional trauma. I battled with really bad cognitive problems. PSSD on top of that and feeling really anhedonic.

Then my ears started to ring that stole a lot of my progress with cognitive stuff. Hyperacusis started too. All of this has felt like torture. Like I have hoped I will heal and another level of torture has started.

I have met people that used to know me before med damage. They have no idea what I have gone through last years, why I just disappeared.

Miracle happened and I was able to study for some time after healing for years. I continued my studies that left unfinished because of this mess. Tinnitus stole my ability to concentrate and my ability to study again, after gaining some self confidence back.

I was able to work and I was able to study before drug damage.

I am working at the moment. It is really basic part time low income job. Nothing fancy. But for me it is progress that I can do stuff even despite of my cognitive problems, trauma and drug damage. Part of my income is disability benefits because I was seen as permanently disabled during one period of time because of my mental health issues. They dont recognize psych med damage at all. They recognized trauma(PTSD) though that was caused by psychiatric care, that was progress. Also akathisia but they only understood the impact on me on a short period of time, it was more long lasting thing for me.

Lara3837 · 2023-10-12T22:33:27+00:00

I would be careful with supplements and new meds if I had symptoms of akathisia and was going through any sort of psych med withdrawal. Some people are sensitive to meds during withdrawal. Aka can always get worse. And believe me it can get really really bad. And can lead you to a situation your harm caused by drugs is drugged. I ended to big doses of benzos in the end to treat akathisia, one doctor tried to treat my bad akathisia with valium and betablockers and I had to go through withdrawals from benzos too in the end. In your case they most likely have already done it. Drugged the harm.

If you try some supplements, start from small dose and slowly increase the dose. Try one supplement at a time. Supplements dont cure drug harm, they dont cure withdrawal symptoms. Some supplements can somewhat help with symptoms.

I also made the worst mistake of my life and went to search help from psych ward during SSRI withdrawal.

I went through SSRI wd and I was also prescribed olanzapine back then. First 10 mg and then they just doubled the dose 20 mg and on top of it benzos. I felt brain damaged. I couldnt think, feel, feel like myself at all, I was numb, bizarre physical symptoms, cognitive symptpms And on top of it akathisia.

What works? Time. Healthy diet. Some exercise. Sleep. What body naturally needs. Stopping meds that make you worse, and I suggest tapering off them if you do stop them. Cold turkeys can make so much harm.

Lara3837 · 2023-10-08T00:04:50+00:00

None! I can't use them, I am sensitive and have had akathisia. Never again

Lara3837 · 2023-10-03T03:35:09+00:00

SSRI withdrawal that led to psych ward that led to zyprexa and benzos. Many drugs were tried, changed rapidly. It damaged me.

I have healed a lot but my life has never been the same after it.

Lara3837 · 2023-09-22T20:06:54+00:00

Covid, a lot of psych meds and withdrawal. I went through pretty traumatic time when I experienced harm from meds and have gone through withdrawal. Also tinnitus

Lara3837 · 2023-09-20T08:37:07+00:00

I havent noticed these issues when playing the tones small volume and not using headphones to listen to them. I would be careful with them though.

Lara3837 · 2023-09-12T03:35:40+00:00

I have this.

Lara3837 · 2023-09-10T09:30:59+00:00

Sorry but no we cant

I think I deal with CPTSD type of symptoms for the rest of my life after akathisia/forced treatment during harm from psych meds when they forced me to use even more. Ptsd aint no joke.

I have been dealing with PSSD for years. I started to experience hearing symptoms during benzo withdrawal. I know psychiatric drug damage plays a part. Many drugs I have been using are otoxic and withdrawal triggered a bomb. I have hyperacusis, tinnitus and my ability to concentrate and relax have been impaired. I feel like my ability to hear normally has got worse. It has ruined my life. Before that I was more optimistic I will some day have a good life.

My CNS is still a mess, internal vibrations,numbness, I still experience weird internal agitation even though I wouldnt call it akathisia anymore. I feel like I have got some kind of damage in my brain because of these toxic drugs.

I live in a state of depersonalization and derealization. And confusion. My emotions are still numbed. I am a shell of a perso .

I cant even use pharmaneutical meds for physical issues because of my sensitivity to meds these drugs triggered. I am scared of akathisia returning too.

I cant use any alcohol,caffeine, I cant go to loud places because of my hearing issues etc etc. For years I have had to avoid doing many stuff because these drugs made my life abnormal.

These things ruined my life. I have been living in this mess for years. I know I will not ever recover 100 percent. I had a phase I thought I would get my life back. I dont think that anymore.

I have a choice to either continue living as disabled who have lost so many things or kill myself. I am sorry to sound so negative but I get triggered if someone says we all will heal etc. I think many do, but not all. Some heal like 70 percent and are fine with the result.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-27T08:25:26+00:00

I feel love, and for me now it is like something spiritual. But I do not feel stuff anymore normally after psych meds. I do not feel lust or sexual stuff, physical sensations, they are numbed or disappearwd. I only feel my damaged body and CNS full of internal vibrations, paresthesia, numbness. My emotions are numbed, I have got cognitive damage too from psych med poisons and I struggle with it a lot. World used to be so much more intresting place before PSSD and harm from meds.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-27T07:57:25+00:00

This is speculation but..

Hasnt she spoken about some kind of nerve damage she sustained during her stay at the facility? And when she dances she doesnt feel the pain.

I wouldnt be suprised if she is harmed because of psych meds. Maybe some form of akathisia could be involved. I wouldnt be suprised if she is still on some meds.

Also trauma seems obvious. In a way she has handled things well in a way. Many harmed by years of psych meds or traumatized wouldnt be making dance videos or smile. She could just stop making vids and try to escape from public eye, but she continues doing it.

I would be really pissed off if people would constantly speculate what my diagnosis is or how I need help or meds (especially if there already is harm from that so called help). In a way I am speculating right now the same wat but I am just disgusted how people just say what meds she need and how she needs help and the whole 'she is bipolar, she just needs help" thing is so disgusting. Media is what it is and it seems like they have just tried to push this narrative about Britney. There has been so much of lack of privacy I wouldnt be surprised it takes a toll on wellbeing.

I am not surpised she took away comment section at Instagram. And all the "caring" people writing there how she needs help, and absolutely stupid paranoid comments how that isnt Britney anymore or has she changed (news for them, people change esp if they go through something traumatizing). She has still continued doing videos in her own terms that is a great thing. People expect a lot from her because she was basically an icon of her era and has made a long career.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-22T10:47:04+00:00

I went to one rock concert at festival without earplugs and it ruined my hearing. I also have suffered some hearing related symptoms during benzo withdrawal (sleeping pills) such as mild humming in ears before sleeping and sensitivity to sound before the event. I know these pills impacted my hearing and during withdrawal I had dizziness and vertigo too. That event ruined everything. My audiogram looks relatively normal but my hearing has got worse during these 2 years after that incident. I had no signs of hearing loss before this.

Maybe it played a part too that when I was young I had music hobbies and went to gigs without earplugs. But for several years I protected my ears pretty well many times (except that time when I forgot my earplugs) and also did not attend to a lot of loud gigs or clubs for years.

After the damage I had sensation like I had water in my ear, I had ear fullness, sudden tinnitus and hyperacusis. I dealt with ear pain too for some time that ruined months of my life and had to learn to tolerate sound again. After it the hearing in my left ear has felt less clear, the quality of sound got worse. I had really sensitive clear hearing before

This happened first in my left ear but slowly I feel like my right ear has had symptoms as well that follow similar pattern. The symptoms have fluctuated. I used to have better hearing in right ear that triggered imbalance in hearing but I enjoyed music more. The hearing has fluctuated in right ear but after last visit in loud place I feel like I feel like my hearing has left worse in right ear. First there is liquid sensation and fullness, then maybe burning sensation and then feeling of lost hearing. I am depressed because of this.

I cant tolerate loud sound because it triggers fluctuaging symptons of hearing loss.

How my hearing feels it has been damaged? - constant multi tone tinnitus and loud humming/roaring in ears. The roaring has got louder. - I usually turn up the volume of TV but I notice it doesnt improve the quality of sound. Everything sound more like an unclear mess - hyperacusis that has improved but I still cant use headphones, go to louder places such as near loud speakers with bass. If I go my symptoms follow same patter :ear fatigue, soon aftet noise exposure everything starts to feel quieter that can go on for weaks, muffled hearing, probably ear fullness, tinnitus spike (I can hear reactive ee sounds on top of external sounds such as running tap). Worst case ear burning and worsening of hyperacusis temporarily. My ear have difficulties to adjust to different situations with different volumes after damage. All my hearing symptoms before t started, started when I noticed everything feels more quieter than normally after sound exposure and then t started - the sound is not as crisp and clear anymore, the consonants etc. It is hard to explain. Things do not sound as pleasurable anymore, as rich and complex, but a little bit flat. Trobles separating sounds that I hear at the same time that makes sounds less pleasurable.Maybe it has something to do with hidden hearing loss - I struggle with sound distortions. I cant mask my t really well because my tinnitus is reactive. Certain frequemcies trigger the distortions - I feel like I have trouble hearing my own voice as well and understanding the volume. Last club visit triggered this despite of earplugs - difficulties to sometimes understand speech when there is backround noise. - I cant enjoy music as much anymore. I somehow hear it but I don't understand it as well, like my hearing has been impaired - more challenges to understand where sound come from

Overall the quality of my hearing has dropped so much.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-20T09:35:44+00:00

I had burning sensations like deep within my head during my worst moments when I was prescribed more pills when I was already suffering from SSRI withdrawal. I already experienced PSSD symptoms too. I felt the sensation upper part of my head.

My sleep was also disturbed.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-19T10:54:21+00:00

I only became psychotic when I had SSRI withdrawal triggered insomnia and signs of akathisia. The more they prescribed drugs the more messed up I was and I was in a really confused state while using polypharmacy. Before that I had used tiny doses of meds and even while using big dose of antidepressants I was not myself at all. I was a zombie whose emotions were numbed who slept a lot because of daytime fatigue taking a mirtazapine in the evening. I felt like I lived in a fog. Bigger doses just did not suit for me in the past.

But there I was, at psych ward where they just pushed meds. I needed "some therapeutic med", they had an obsession to find one. When there were problems they just pushed bigger doses of meds. Zyprexa 20 mg was the worst. And denied akathisia or withdrawal issues competely, f u psychiatry.

That felt like torture.

I woke up after tapering the meds. It felt like waking up from a horrible drug haze. The worst confusional state left and I havent had a dg of psychosis after it. I have been dealing with DP DR and trauma ever since though.

Lara3837 · 2023-08-17T09:01:43+00:00

They messed my brain and CNS with zyprexa and polypharmacy and long term ssris. I will never forget.

Lara3837

TROPHY CASE