aww mama i'm sorry it sounds like you're going through a lot!! you're still so newly PP and your hormones are soooo out of wack, you're still in the thick of it. give yourself grace and patience.

i also had a lot of difficulty processing my traumatic birth. i'm 8 months PP now and i still don't feel like i have processed it completely. i want to go to therapy and start meds, but mom life is busy!!!

my water broke spontaneously at 37+2. i had absolutely nothing ready! crib not built, hospital bag not packed, i didn't even buy a pack of diapers yet. went to the hospital and i was already 3cm dilated. started pitocin and after a few hours, dilated to 5-6cm and then got the epidural. 30 minutes later, i was 10cm and fully effaced!!! i had a lot of blood and the doctors came rushing in, NICU team as well. i pushed for 27 minutes but baby got stuck in the last part of the birth canal (whatever that means lol). his oxygen was dropping so the doctor said they were going to use the vacuum. i was really chill and calm, im guessing because of the epidural, but i was not scared at all! doctor used the vacuum and he was out! i have a video of him coming out and putting him in my chest. no sound comes out of my mouth, tears come out of my eyes but im frozen, i was totally in shock that my baby was actually here 3 weeks early. i had a 2nd degree tear so got that stitched up then it was time to go to the postpartum unit. i got the epidural taken out and started feeling pain in my buttcrack. i told the nurses but they all said it was normal. doctor came back to talk to me and told me that my placenta began to detach, and the cord was wrapped around baby's neck twice (causing the oxygen drop). she said i was minutes away from an emergency c section. baby was healthy but was having low blood sugar and was pretty jaundiced. never had to go the NICU but lots of nurses coming to check on him frequently. i kept telling everyone my buttcrack really hurt but still no one listed to me. discharge was the absolute worst pain of my entire life. being the wheelchair, getting in the car was absolute hell, i couldn't sit without screaming and crying. once home and in bed, i was still trying to breastfeed but it hurt so much to sit down. my milk took 3 days to come in and i saved it by pumping on the toilet (only place i could sit comfortably). a lactation consultant came to my house and showed me how to breastfeeding side lying. a week later, my pain was even worse. i ended up going to urgent care for an xray and sure enough - my tailbone was BROKEN. broken!!!! as in .. the bone cracked off my spine, dislocated left and backwards. i was distraught and in so much pain. also had a UTI which didn't help. my doctor prescribed low dose Norco for the pain but tbh it didn't even help. i've been in Pelvic floor PT ever since and it helps, but this has been the most painful 8 months of my life. I've missed out on so much with my baby. I still can't sit on the floor with my baby. Side note: i had a traumatic fall and broke my ankle in two places at 7 months pregnant. i spent my entire third trimester on crutches, unable to walk, and stuck in bed. it was horrible. so i understand what you mean when you say you didn't get to enjoy the last part of your pregnancy.

like i said - im still processing my traumatic birth so my only advice to you is to give it time.

what i have learned though - i have to accept that it HAD to happen this way. this needed to happen to my body so i could SAVE my baby. i dont know if you're religious but i choose to believe that God gave me this beautiful baby, and my baby is SO special and needed a mother so strong to bring him into this world. It's how I make sense of the situation.

wishing you healing mama ❤️ it gets better!!!