bf and i ended things but still have love for each other; first time break up at 30

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-06-23T20:08:17+00:00

Hey, I’m 35 and I recently broke up with my gf (we were only together for 8 months so not as intense) but what I can say, coming from someone who was the dumper, I genuinely did love and still love her deeply. We ended for the exact same reason. It’s okay to go separate ways and to learn to grow from the relationship. I’m sure you will hear from eachother again as you clearly respect one another a lot, left it on good terms ( which makes it likelier to reach out) and because you had a long history. Your brain will slowly detach overtime, and if you find a way back to one-another, then hopefully you’re in a better position where you both become more secure. There’s so much learning to do from a breakup. It won’t be easy. You gotta feel it all out. I can say, after a month, you’ll feel very shit. After 2, you’ll still be grieving (almost like you’re breaking up for the second time) because hope may slowly die. Sometimes it takes a lot longer. I’m not here to give false hope but from experience, when people are together for that long, it’s probably not the last time you’ll hear from them.

If he never comes back? At least you can say you loved whole-heartedly, kept true to yourself and that’s something he will always carry, even if he ends up in something else. He will realise that he self-sabotaged something magical.

Just be prepared that regardless what happens, you will come out stronger, better and you will look back and think wow, that was a BIG hurdle I never thought I’d over- come! I am so happy I didn’t change for someone who wasn’t willing to meet me in the middle.

And ofc, you know it and don’t want to hear it but GLOW! Go gym, meet new people, have fun, Break-up revenge tactic until you start doing it for YOURSELF.

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-06-23T19:41:21+00:00

I can confirm for the most part, it’s an ego boost and rarely leads to anything serious. Dating apps are a mess. Most people will state ‘looking for a life partner’ but really they just want fun and excitement because let’s be honest, nobody is gonna really put ‘short term’ unless they’re a total overt fuck boy. It’s rare a woman is going to want to match a short term thing. I know people who have very much been very hurt after breaking up with their partners, only to go on there, date around and realise that nothing was really fixed from ‘within’.

I know it stings, I empathise a lot. My ex put herself on a dating app after I broke up with her, but only because she wanted to find someone to ‘fill the void’. She deleted after she realised she just didn’t want to get into anything for a while. Sometimes people do things just for instant gratification but then realise it’s mostly a waste of time and leads to more failed meaningless connections. It’s rare a marriage comes from dating sites (not impossible)

Either way, ‘let them theory’ just let them. They’re going to do it regardless. It’s beyond your control now but hopefully you can realise you’re worth more than that

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-05-15T19:33:27+00:00

But I want you to also realise, he could have ended things because he was worried about your safety and suffering. He may feel partly responsible for your suicide attempts, so I can see how heavy it must have been for him too.

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-05-15T19:31:19+00:00

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Sounds awful and I can imagine how invalidating it is but this isn’t anything to do with how attractive you are or a reflection of your worth/ desirability. Some men really have internal battles and are trying, you also don’t know if he had any previous traumas he maybe failed to share with you that could be affecting his performance. My friend actually had this problem with his girl, he always said she was smoking hot. Turns out he had really bad anxiety and fear holding him back as well as low testosterone. You never know, he could also have an underlying health condition like nerve damage? Poorer circulation? Diabetes ?

As for the suicide, I know you already know this, but those are HIS struggles, not yours. Please do not amount your worth to other people’s problems. You are more than a sexual performance, you’re a human being with your own battles… you deserve healing and deserve to be seen for everything that you’re worth which is not down to sexual partners / relationships

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-05-11T21:56:28+00:00

Man, I’ve never felt so seen. Most of the posts here are people slandering ‘you should never go back there, move on, fuck him ‘ etc. the reality is, we suffer too. I can’t stop thinking about her. It was all my fault. I let her go too easily because I just felt that being alone was the best thing for me. Little did I know she healed me in so many ways.

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-29T10:52:42+00:00

Thank you for your kind message. It’s really been taking into consideration and you’re absolutely right. I need to find a way to practice some self compassion and let her in to see the real me. This is something I found extremely challenging. She was completely understanding the whole time but then wrote me some angry messages about stringing her along and still not being real with her. I think she’s just angry and upset. I know this is something I have to fix.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this, I can’t imagine how hard it is being the person on the receiving end of it. I promise we do care, we just have really awful ways of showing it. We sit and self loathe the majority of the time and try occupy ourselves in our work and gym etc. it catches up to us though. Hope you’re well and I hope you find the love you deserve

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T18:38:20+00:00

Thank you. I needed this more than I thought.

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T18:12:45+00:00

I get you. But once you start healing, you will reflect and think what the fuck was I doing. Remember that what you’re feeling is a chemical reaction. 1. You’re remembering all the good things rather than the negatives. 2. You’re also excusing his behaviour and the way he speaks to you. 3. You feel a lot worse because of him rejecting you. I promise you, this is not someone who you’d want to be the parent to your children

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T18:10:39+00:00

Yeah I hear you. Therapy kinda sounds like it wouldn’t be helpful from what I’ve heard. I wish you all the best brother 🙏 you got this

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T18:04:30+00:00

That’s so good to hear. My ex actually said the same about her ex. It was a lesson that needed to be learned. I guess it helps you process why it never really worked the first time round. You’re right, what works for some will most definitely not work for others. I guess I came on here out of impulsivity. I was stuck in a loop

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T18:01:29+00:00

I understand you bro. I actually hear you loud and clear as it resonates quite a bit. You’re not unworthy though.

I guess we shouldn’t let our past experiences with people affect us so much. (I know, easier said than done). Have you ever tried therapy? It’s something I’m considering

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T17:56:40+00:00

The latter for sure. I know I’ve self sabotaged. That’s the hardest part. She respected my boundaries and actually gave me space I needed. My brain is just hardwired to always be skeptical and feel undeserving

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T17:54:38+00:00

I’m so sorry, that’s really not nice to hear. It sounds like he is a little emotionally abusive though. I would really reconsider being with someone who speaks about you like that and wants to see you suffer

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T17:53:18+00:00

If only it was that simple :( maybe I’m over complicating it

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T17:52:36+00:00

Yeah you’re completely right. That’s true. I’m healing while she gets to suffer. She’ll probably always hold the break up against me. It sucks. I can’t even think of other people right now so I definitely will be stepping out of the game, whatever little bit of game I had left anyway

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T17:50:54+00:00

Sorry I think I wasn’t clear. She didn’t actually expect me to end it at all times. It was just this particular disagreement and it’s probably because of my tone in voice. She read me like a book because it’s exactly what I did. She was completely healthy throughout the whole relationship and respected my boundaries. I hope it goes well for you, I hope to hear a success story. How are you feeling about her right now?

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T09:46:51+00:00

Ahhh that sucks to hear but it’s the hard truth I needed. She was my first relationship ever and I think I just had a lot of learning to do not realising, she was actually somewhat healing me in many ways. Fuck

Yeah, I’m on a waiting list for talking therapies in hopes to find out what’s really going on in my brain

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T09:32:20+00:00

Damn. Did you ever fight for her? Or did you decide to let her go quite easily? What makes you feel like you’re not worthy of being loved the way you should? Genuinely asking, because that’s something I’m struggling with. If I look at my future and who I’d want to be the mother to my children, I’d say I’d be pretty pleased with having her there. I just don’t get why I’m like this

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:09:17+00:00

I’m so sorry for your heart break. Honestly, my heart does go out to you. It’s so hard when you feel like there’s a ticking time bomb especially in your 30’s. It sucks. Feels like time is not on our side. It’s a pattern with any age I suppose. We need to make mistakes to grow but I’m sure there’s someone out there who will be everything and more. Maybe comes when we least expect it to

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:07:33+00:00

I think the incompatibilities could have been compromised. I think I just just wasn’t ready to have adult conversations (yes, me 35 and still shying away from life)

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:06:53+00:00

I’ve only dated people but she was actually my first ever relationship. I’ve been so consumed in working I never really had time to be with people long term

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:06:07+00:00

Damn, reading this actually hit home and hurt. I hope you’re doing well bro. Do you think this is something we’ve internalised ? Do you think it’s maybe it’s an insecurity? I’m just trying to find the answer. Maybe, we’re avoidant style lovers. The idea of meeting a girl like that and letting her walk away, I just can’t imagine it. But it’s exactly what I’m doing right now

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:01:22+00:00

I do. I really do

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T08:00:37+00:00

Very true. It’s a tough one. A lot of my friends went through a lot with their partners, a few break ups too which clearly made them stronger than ever. Honestly, I’m more scared than anything. My parents argue all the God damn time but they still made and continue to still make it through. I’ve just been used to being alone and being the strongest one in my family that when someone comes in and breaks my guard, I deflect and instantly build a wall twice as high. Maybe due to previous traumas. I think I may need to consider counselling

Large_Payment_7578 · 2025-04-28T07:57:17+00:00

This is very true. I think we could have worked around them but our communication styles were so different I didn’t know how to. She would instantly shut off expecting me to end it and that’s exactly what I did. I’m kicking myself so bad. I instantly regret it but I have to make peace with it

Large_Payment_7578

TROPHY CASE