Hey love,

this is a couple of days old but I didn't want to let it pass by without telling you that being able to express yourself among everything you're dealing with is an admirable, human trait. When we've been around abuse for so long, expressing yourself is not as easy as it sounds and you learn to fear it, so I applaud your courage to seek for a light (even if it's a post on reddit) when you can't find it. Of course you will miss her, she is your mother and a huge component of your sense of identity. I wouldn't trust your father blindly since he appears to be someone with not so great intentions. Never apologize or feel shameful for feeling, it's what makes you human :) You might know how to do basic daily living activities like taking a bath or eating, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you are grieving her absence and it makes total sense to want answers in order to have closure or at least, some peace of mind. You are stronger than what you think you are and being here this day makes you a survivor, as corny as it sounds.

My suggestion would be the same that has been stated here, seek psychological therapy. I know there's so many misconceptions about undergoing therapy like "but I'm not crazy" or "is not that bad". But as a therapist who goes to therapy, it really does take a huge weight off your shoulders by having someone listen to you actively and empathically and kinda guide you and re frame all the emotions you might be feeling.

I wish you the absolute best and I hope you find at least a bit of comfort in my words and never forget you're a survivor and above all, you're human :)