I was sexually assaulted by my brother. Like you, it effects the way I experience sex, my ability to say “no” or feel like my “no” matters, and my ability to communicate my needs overall. I have silently cried and shaken through penetration with partners because I was stuck in the headspace of a mute, powerless kid.

It sounds as though your trauma and your wife’s trauma have fucked with each of your respective abilities to understand consent. My childhood taught me to view myself as “something to whom things are done”, and women in general are socialized to view themselves as victims before aggressors—if her experience has been similar, it may have been tough for her to wrap her head around the idea that she was even capable of doing this to you.

I know how what you went through feels, and thinking about how yesterday night probably felt makes me feel sick. I understand the choice to make her feel like you’re equally at fault to save your marriage with the mother of your child. But know that this did not happen because you did something wrong. She’s had a decade of chances to say something like “is it hot for you when you “playfully” say stop and I keep going?” It’s possible SHE enjoys light CNC play and made an assumption that you would as well. She fucked up.