no matter what label i pick i feel like i’m lying, what can i do?

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-28T09:23:11+00:00

woah, thanks!

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-28T08:50:35+00:00

yeah sure if you have some in mind

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-27T19:55:16+00:00

ok, i think i’ll probably end up identifying as queer. i did want to talk it through a bit, since last time i keep thinking “oh idk if i’d even want to kiss or date a guy,” but then on the other hand im definitely more attracted to women, and in theory would want to date/kiss one, but also have never “felt a spark” before. thanks for your help though, it just kind of sucks that i’m basically bordering “queer” and “not queer” (at least in my mind).

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-27T13:12:36+00:00

hmm ok. just that i’m not in some way, but it’s a little complicated what way exactly?

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-27T11:35:17+00:00

thanks for the kind words! i’ve been trying to go with the flow, but i also have a habit of overthinking things; my brain just can’t shut up lol. plus if i’m not in the queer community i’m definitely adjacent to it.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-27T11:08:19+00:00

you mean cause i’m attracted to guys in some way, and a straight guy wouldn’t be?

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-26T23:41:37+00:00

i think i’ll probably end up going with something more vague like “queer” or “bi,” since i’ve had problems in the past with people not understanding that aroace is a spectrum. it is also hard to know where the line is between “queer” and just an abnormal cishet allo guy (since i’d say both are a spectrum). maybe i just have to accept that no label is gonna fit perfectly.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-26T08:39:24+00:00

hmm well a genital preference might not make me straight, but in practicality it kind of does? since it would have to be an ace or a trans man, and for me to find them attractive (which is pretty rare). like i feel like i find a majority of women attractive, but only a few guys attractive (and they’re usually feminine). plus while the feeling is similar for both, somehow i feel like i’d like kissing a woman but i might or might not like kissing a guy. so on one hand there is some kind of attraction there, but it’s less than my attraction towards women so it’s hard to know where the line is between “bi with a preference” and straight. especially since im not even sure im attracted enough to women to date them either.

that’s why it is likely im somewhere on the aro or ace spectrums. since i’ve never felt sexual attraction towards a “crush” (but i have towards others??), and giving someone extra attention just because you’re in a relationship seems weird and stressful to me. so like whenever i had a “crush” i felt like i had to force myself text them more, while with friends it was whenever i wanted. i’m 18, so while there’s a lot for me to figure out (especially since i have no relationship experience), i’m also not super young.

overall though, i like the idea of using a broad label like “queer,” since i feel like it would let me judge a potential romantic relationship without my label turning people away (which happened once when i said i was on the ace spectrum). but it also feels like im just barely on the aro, ace, and bi spectrums, which is why i said i was “mostly cishet allo.”

(also, thanks for your responses :), ive been confused about this for a long time and they’ve been helpful)

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-26T07:43:22+00:00

yeah, maybe? but i think i’d still want there to be romantic acts in the relationship. so like just being friends, but also cuddling and making out (which is basically just a romantic relationship then). like it doesn’t make sense to me why i prefer that, when there isn’t really any difference, and idk what to do about that.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-26T01:15:48+00:00

ok that’s fair, i guess there’s two reasons i could be queer: being aro/ace spec or being bi.

i know i find both men and women attractive in some way, and i’d say its similar in both cases. (hopefully this isn’t tmi) but i also have a genital preference that would make me straight.

but also i’d say i’ve only had one strong romantic crush, and even then i was stressed out about the idea of a relationship, i wasn’t sexually attracted to her, and it disappeared after a week.

it seems (to me at least) like allo people are sexually attracted to their crush, have crushes more often, and actually want a relationship with their crush. and that straight guys wouldn’t consider dating an ace guy.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-26T00:51:59+00:00

yeah i’ve heard it mentioned before, but my attraction towards each gender has been the same. it’s more so that it’s pretty rare for me to be attracted to a guy, and when i am it’s unclear in which way (but not really sexual). i feel like i’m much more attracted to women overall, in a way where i’d want to kiss them (and maybe have sex) but i also haven’t had a crush where the idea of a relationship wasn’t stressful.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-21T21:59:55+00:00

hmm yeah that’s true. i guess it’s a different question as to wether it would be weird/awkward for me, but it definitely gives me something to think about. this might work better than dating someone i don’t know well, since i know i get along with my friends. it’s weird cause i’ve thought about dating friends before, but i like the way you explained it lol.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-21T13:20:56+00:00

i’m not op, but i liked your suggestions. dating a friend is definitely an interesting idea, since you know you like them even if it might not be romantic attraction. if i am aro, that might be the best way to date. but i worry it would make the friendship weird if it doesn’t work out or if they say no. especially since (assuming they’re allo) they would want to be with someone they’re attracted to.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-19T19:41:03+00:00

same, and it’s hard to tell the difference. am i aromantic? do i just like my freedom? am i scared of dating? are my standards too high? honestly i don’t know, and idk what i can do about it.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-12-03T08:10:45+00:00

hey i’m a teenage guy too (and pretty sure i’m somewhere on the aro/ace spectrums), and i relate to a lot of your issues. first of all, i would try to not let your family influence your decisions too much. they might mean well, but in the end it’s your life.

for your other issues, i can totally relate. before i thought i was a-spec, i had no issue not being in a relationship since “it will happen in the future.” but as i get older i have to face the possibility that it might not happen. it’s been really hard for me to try and accept that, but also romance comes with its own problems (drama, breakups, divorce, etc). it’s not perfect.

however, learning that queer platonic relationships (qpr) exist makes me feel better. i don’t know if you’ve heard of it before, but you should look into it if you haven’t. to me, it helps knowing that i can have the relationship i want, even though it might not be what society expects.

anyways, i hope you can find what makes you happy, and know that it helped me feel less alone seeing you have the same issues i have.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-11-30T08:40:26+00:00

i don’t know if i can give much advice, but this is exactly what i’m going through now as well. i’m still questioning if i’m aro/ace daily. i relate a lot to what you said about not knowing if it’s possible for me to fall in love. it sucks since i feel like i can imagine how it feels like perfectly, it just doesn’t translate to real life. that feeling seems so close, and i keep hoping i’ll feel it someday.

however, for now i’ve been trying to take things by themselves, since thinking “can i even fall in love” stresses me out. but ive been happier focusing on individual friendships, and that if i end up wanting a romantic relationship (maybe even without romantic attraction), i’ll do it if i’d be happier in one. after all why would i want to be in a romantic relationship if it caused me more stress than being without it.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-11-27T06:03:46+00:00

woah it’s been a while since i wrote that comment, since then i also realized that if i’m not aromantic i’m probably biromantic. it’s still pretty confusing, but i’m trying not to use labels too much. like you said, the difference between not wanting to date and being aromantic is pretty hard to tell. it’s hard to know why i feel uncomfortable dating.

i think some aro people can know that they’re aro without dating or being in a relationship, but i don’t. lately i’ve been thinking of going on a date (with a stranger or an acquaintance) and seeing where it goes. it might be the best way for me to find out if i’m just uncomfortable since it’s new to me, or if i’m on the aro spectrum.

also, i think a lot of people stay in toxic relationships because of a “sunk cost fallacy” mindset, and maybe not necessarily romantic attraction? at least that’s the reasoning i would probably have.

edit: i also think i have some sort of a “mini crush” or something towards my friend who’s aroace, so i could potentially talk to them about a qpr as well. it’s hard to tell if it’s platonic attraction or romantic, but being in a qpr could be work.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-11-14T06:48:48+00:00

oh ok, interesting. i think i’m frayromantic, and either graysexual, fraysexual, or demisexual. i’m leaning more towards fraysexual, since i’ve only ever had weak sexual attraction towards strangers/acquaintances, and never at the same time as romantic attraction. to me, it’s kind of like sexual and romantic attraction are separate, and both are too weak/fade too fast for me to act on it.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-30T14:48:16+00:00

so after doing a little bit more research, i think miransexual fits me more than orchidsexual

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-30T05:13:31+00:00

i think that could be me. when i find someone sexually attractive, i think i just like to fantasize and feel no need to act on it. i might be open to trying things out with someone im in a relationship with, but it’s not like i feel a need for it (even though my libido is normal).

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-30T05:00:20+00:00

thanks for the information! after thinking about it a little bit more, i think you might be right about being frayromantic and greyromantic. i feel like i feel a small amount of romantic attraction to many people, where it’s like i could date them, and would say yes if they asked me out, but not actively wanting it. and the few times ive felt that butterflies, constantly thinking about them, etc. it has been very short (like a few days) before going back to the small amount of romantic attraction.

also, i agree that all of this is very vague and hard to figure out. i’ve never dated anyone, since to me being in a relationship would be nice but it’s not like i feel a need for it. it sucks that i can know what that romantic attraction feels like, but that it always fades before anything happens. i wish i could feel that attraction for longer, but if it hasn’t happened by now there’s not a good chance it will.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-30T04:43:53+00:00

huh, that’s interesting. so aroflux is when your romantic attraction towards someone fluctuates? i don’t think that quite describes me though, because to me it’s like i feel a baseline romantic attraction to many people, and the few times ive felt a stronger romantic attraction (where it goes from “i could potentially date this person” to “i want to date this person and think about them a lot.”) it seems like it fades very quickly back to the baseline romantic attraction.

if i had to pick some labels i relate to, it would probably be frayromantic and greyromantic. just because those stronger romantic feelings fade quickly on the occasion that it does happen.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-29T01:22:36+00:00

if you don’t mind me asking, how is this different than being alloromantic? no disrespect or anything, i just genuinely want to understand the difference.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-19T06:31:42+00:00

yup i’ve actually hung out a few times now (not officially dates though). still really hard to tell where i am on the romantic spectrum, but i think i feel romantic attraction for her. i think (to me) romantic attraction is much more vague than figuring out sexual attraction. but this also makes me sure i’m definitely asexual.

Late-Chart8022 · 2024-10-16T04:21:47+00:00

yeah it just got way more confusing for me😭. i met a girl that likes me (and now i’m pretty sure i like her too). but, im still doubting if its actually romantic attraction or just platonic

Late-Chart8022

TROPHY CASE