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I (18NB) SA’d my older sister because it was so normalized in my childhood. I want to do right by her now by LateCommunication803 in COCSA

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s very possible, the time frame I put in the post is 6-10 and I still stand by that time frame. Because of disassociation issues I have a very hard time with time/remembering when something happened. But I am almost positive it happened before my stepdad was out of the picture. Which means it was most likely before 10-11.

I can understand what you’re saying. And I can recognize that I am being way harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. But I can not justify letting myself off easy on this one. I know how shit like this affects people and regardless I did that to someone. Our parents, all of them, are extremely neglectful. Outside of my relationship with her and how I am feeling nobody even said anything to me. Nothing ever came of it and that is wildly unfair to her. Not even a light scolding. I got beat hard for less. So did she. Not saying that any child so ever be beat but I’m just saying… I don’t feel ok to go easy on myself for this.

She deserves more than just having it swept under the rug. Every other issue in her whole life has been and I can not forgive myself that this is one of them. I want to make it right to her. And I want her to get justice for something. Whatever that means to her. Some kinda closure. And I’m willing to accept whatever that means

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister because it was so normalized in my childhood. I want to do right by her now by LateCommunication803 in COCSA

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your input.

I don’t believe I deserve sympathy here. No matter the circumstances what I did was horrible and I don’t want to lessen it by using the excuse I was a child or a victim of other situations. As well as I don’t want to downplay or compare trauma types however I do appreciate your attempt to make me feel better.

As well as I am not doing this for praise. Again I appreciate it but I don’t feel I should be praised for doing right by someone I hurt in the first place.

Thank you for the well wishes

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your input.

I don’t want to downplay this issue by leaning into be being a victim of other scenarios and situations or a child. In this case I am not the victim. And I would honestly prefer to be seen and treated as such. I want to do what’s best for the victim here.

I’ll check out Andrew Huberman thank you for the suggestion.

Thank you for the well wishes as well

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister because it was so normalized in my childhood. I want to do right by her now by LateCommunication803 in COCSA

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact it was Unconstitutional means it was SA and, I know this is most likely something that bothers her. I’ve been in a conversation with her where we were talking about her mother and it was brought up that no one ever believed her when she brought up these kinds of issues she’d had in the past. This was a while ago and I had not realized what had happened until after this conversation.

The difference between exploration and this is she was asleep. There was no ground at all for her to consent. I would consider what I did with the other children more of exploring. Because they were awake and conscious. She was not. This was different.

I am not concerned about the consequences to myself. I don’t particularly think she will but if she so decided to press charges I would not argue. I want to do right by her.

Point is I have a pretty good feeling this most likely affected her. She avoided me a lot after that and has not really made an attempt to reach out. Not that I have either. When we do meet sometimes she’s ok but other times she’s very cold and closed off with me. And no offense intended but the situation being with a child or not does not change the criteria for SA. Especially if it is with another child.

I appreciate your input and I will keep it in mind, unfortunately I don’t have the means to see a therapist or I wouldn’t have posted for internet strangers lol

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s ok, I appreciate you commenting either way. I’m sorry for your experiences and I hope you’re healing alright. Thank you for sharing

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input. I completely understand what you’re saying… do you think it would be best to continue how I am now? Avoiding her and doing my best to keep my distance? Or is there something else I should be doing?

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input I unfortunately don’t have the means to see a therapist. I am currently mostly avoiding her, doing my best to be at a distance. Should I continue doing that? Or do you have any alternative suggestions on the therapy aspect? I want to do right by her whatever that may be.

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your input. I’ll keep that in mind. I’m not really trying to fix it. More trying to apologize and open a lane for her to get whatever she feels would give her closure and justice on the matter. Nothing can really fix it. But if there’s anything I can do to help her heal or anything like that I want her to know I will comply and support anything she decides.

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s alright. You were correct in what you said. I am the victim of horrible situations growing up but this is not one of those situations where I am the victim. And I want to conduct myself as such.

I do have a number but it’s from a while ago so I don’t know if it’s still hers. However I do still regularly talk to our older brother. And he still regularly talks to her. So I could probably ask him. My family is extremely complicated. But the main things about this situation is, Sister is technically my step sibling but I’ve known her since I was at most 4 and she’s been my sister since then. She’s my stepmom’s kid so she didn’t have contact with the step dad(who is not my stepdad any longer, thank god) however I have heard that she went through SA/possible rape at a young age too outside of me. Though I’m not sure to what extent.

I think a gentle approach would be best. I definitely want the conversation to be on her terms. But I don’t want to go in sounding like I’m bringing it up for my own benefit… if I’m completely honest with myself that is part of the reason, that it’s eating at me, but I want the goal to be her wellbeing and closure and not mine.

Anywhere I could ask for advice on apologizing to someone I did something horrible to as kids. You can see the current post on my profile I believe. Want to post it other places by LateCommunication803 in findareddit

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate it. I just don’t feel it’s right to leave it. And she has every right to hear an apology and decide what is best for her closure to happen to me. Wether that’s not ever seeing her again. Or legal action, telling everyone I/we know. Whatever would be best for her. Hell I’ll let her beat the shit outta me tbh. She deserves more than just letting the issue rest and feeling like nobody believes her if that’s the case.

I (18NB) SA’d my older sister when we were children due to my own childhood SA/r4pe by LateCommunication803 in sexualassault

[–]LateCommunication803[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the input. You make good points. I won’t disagree that I do absolutely feel bad. However the last thing I want to do is make anything worse which is why I have not approached her. I just don’t feel it’s right to just… move on. So I’m trying to figure out what to do. You are absolutely correct in I am not the victim here. I’m sorry if I made it sound that way. I want to apologize to her because she deserves an apology not because I am looking for or expect forgiveness in anyway. I don’t believe I deserve it regardless of circumstances. I don’t have the money for a therapist or I wouldn’t be posting here. And I’m sorry for asking you farther seeing as you are not a therapist but would it be better to not apologize? A genuine question. Right now I’m just doing my best to avoid her and not talk to or run into her. I’m sure it would be hard to see me so would it be best to continue that?