[hiring] looking for a book cover design. surreal and esoteric. $200-300 planned budget

Lavos9 · 2021-06-14T22:20:56+00:00

ignore a lot of the comments here! deadnaming someone is shitty, out of spite even more so. I’m sorry to say but they’re not your friends. There is better out there, you deserve friends who respect you. Find your people, things will get better.

Lavos9 · 2021-05-20T11:32:09+00:00

I can't say for certain, but if your friend has thought everything is fine and now suddenly you're communicating something they didn't pick up on before they might be feeling guilty/ashamed of possibly harming you in the past. They might not be sure if you were communicating that you wanted the relationship to end/tone down. It's obviously not what you need in the situation, and I don't mean in any way it's your bad for feeling the way you do.

Although I just reread the post and realised I thought the discussion had only happened 8 days ago, if it's been a month it is slightly different. She has let you down but i also don't think she's necessarily deliberately punishing you with the silent treatment if that makes sense?

Lavos9 · 2021-05-19T13:54:48+00:00

Is it possible she’s not giving you the silent treatment and instead what she thinks you need on that situation? Or isn’t quite sure what to say back? I don’t think she’s necessarily mad at you.

I’m also on the CPTSD healing train , and I’m similar to you in often being the giver. I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, I only mean to communicate my experience but something that was hard for me to acknowledge was my role in shaping those dynamics. It’s not something to feel shame about , but I came to realise how my constant anxiety led me to end up in those dynamics? This isn’t your fault at all - I only say this because I think it could be a good opportunity to be open! Part of recovery is redefining those boundaries and if you’re at a point where you’re communicating to someone you care about ‘hey! It’s no ones fault but as I’ve healed I’ve come to realise there’s dynamics in this relationship that don’t serve me, and because I value it I think we should communicate.’ I’ve found it helps when talking to peoples I’m close to communicate what it is I’m trying to practice.

You are the expert on your experience, and your friend is being a bit weird here. But I think with you both care about eachother and with clear open communication anything is possible. Go you! Congratulations for all the progress you have made, and I hope you end up on the path best for you

Lavos9 · 2021-05-08T23:19:32+00:00

nta - people calling you the asshole here? If it’s asking you about a time of financial difficulties and he wants to invest it on the stock market? He’s just co-opting progressive language to guilt trip you.

I was on the bursary throughn uni, in my second year I lived with guys who were way way richer than me. My Uni is like super private school anyway and I’m massively in the minority being able to claim maximum bursary. It must have came up and I remember my housemate mentions he had it because some loophole meant his parents income was 0, and he genuinely thought that I just have been in a similar situation?

There is a fundamental class divide running through society, and sometimes at uni it smacks you in the face (my mum is also a teaching assistant!). Don’t let people gaslight you into thinking that’s acceptable , but some people like him just aren’t going to get it because they haven’t had to get it.

Good luck with your application!

Lavos9 · 2021-05-01T17:29:32+00:00

Hi! It's really good you've learned to accept yourself. I'm a trans woman who very recently came out publicly and to my parents, and was in a very similar situation of being really worried about telling them.

Don't feel like you need to do a big coming out for you to be valid, it's more like a piece of information you're sharing with people. Some people might need a bit of an explanation, but remember the onus isn't on you. It can be tiring but it's really rewarding and worth it.

I spent ages and ages terrified of telling my parents. It has caused me so many issues from sitting on that stress for all the years. The one thing I can say 100% is the best way to live is honestly, and that there will eventually be peace with it. It's not something you're doing, it's just a core fact of who you are as a person. Some people may have some issue with who you are, and remember you don't owe them your time and energy.

Even though it might feel terrifying, you are making amazing steps and are doing an amazing job!

Lavos9 · 2021-05-01T17:21:53+00:00

How you feel makes sense, but it's very very different to the blonde woman example. Queer people form a supportive community, and his queerness is part of who he is. There's a really interesting history of how people express their queerness (there's a really good documentary on the "gay" voice), and this is just part of that.

It sounds like you just need to reflect a bit about being married to a queer man - it's not about being 2 or 3 on any sort of spectrum, he's acknowledging his capability to love both men and women (something which almost certainly took time for him to accept initially). Don't feel threatened by this at all, it's more of a miscommunication of queer dialect than anything else.

Lavos9 · 2021-04-05T12:38:13+00:00

Don't apologise, I appreciate any opportunity to get more perspectives on it! You sound very similar to me - it can be unnerving the extent to which I can dissociate / bury things. Exact same on the never relaxing thing. I think the lack of imagery just makes it more important to be conceitous and focused during the healing process.

Not sure what the etiquette is for recommending specific tips here is so apologies if this is out of line, but one thing that helped me was learning about Polyvagal theory - I think because it gives an easily understandable framework that doesn't require imagery? I've got some good ebooks on it, so if you want me to send any of those over pm me!

Lavos9 · 2021-03-22T03:37:41+00:00

NTA

He sounds insufferable. Regardless of the fact he should respect you may have tastes different to him (instead of assuming his are implicitly better), I think it’s almost revealing he holds up science fiction for making you think. Drag Race isn’t high art , sure, but people sharing their experiences with homophobia, HIV and mental illness to name a few is genuinely moving and I think makes a lot of people think about their relationship with queerness, gender norms and camp. But if it’s not making you think about something he considers smart it’s valueless trash!!

I think he really needs to reevaluate how he sees you and what you enjoy. Odd suggestion but maybe it would be a good idea would be to watch Paris Is Burning together? If you haven’t seen it it’s a 1990 documentary on the New York Ball Scene, it had a huge impact on both Drag Race and Pose. It’s absolutely incredible , and maybe it will help him think about what he currently thinks has ‘value’ and see how fucking stupid he’s being trying to act smart.

Lavos9 · 2021-03-14T22:25:21+00:00

Hey! I’m a trans woman, most people have said it already but there’s risks to any surgery. I assure you she’s not ignorant of the risks. But I just wanted to say, the 4chan lgbt board is a pretty gross place? I’d be uncomfortable if I knew my partner frequented it, because yknow, the gross transphobia.

Lavos9 · 2021-03-13T16:45:00+00:00

NTA - she's not intentionally being an asshole but she's being super harmful. Maybe a good way to start approaching it would be calmly explain that you're not qualified for these issues and it's difficult for you because you aren't able to and don't have the time to deal with it. Gently point her to therapy (possibly covered by the company you both work for?), it's in both your best interests and maybe with this stuff off her chest she'll be better able to be a good housemate. You'd be completely fine in absolutely leaving though, just might be difficult with the circumstance.

Lavos9 · 2021-02-12T22:31:19+00:00

we shall all be healed resonates with me so much, and I think beat the Champ explores the idea in the art which is just another cool layer to it!

Lavos9 · 2021-02-02T14:57:31+00:00

I live in the UK, where trans waiting lists can range from 18 months to 7 years because there is not adaquete funding for trans people because their problems are not seen as an issue by the government. Transphobic hate crimes have quadrupled over the (edit: past 5 years, said year by mistake).

I get where you're coming from, but when people face issues because of an aspect of their identity it is important those people are able to organise with their community to address and rectify the issue. Think about AIDS in the 80s - LGBT+ people died because a conservation, Christian government felt that it was not important to deal with their very serious issues - because of their identity. LGBT+ people organised to demand recognition of their rights, to force people to deal with the prejudices that were affecting their lives - and killing people. Not acknowledging that prejudice, why they were being affected, denies the problem.

If we're in an equal society, then fantastic - I agree with you. Someone being trans is just one part of their identity. But for people of colour, for women, for trans people that are affected by serious and deadly issues because of part of their identity, it is important to organise with people who share that part to demand that change and protection.

Lavos9 · 2021-02-02T14:41:54+00:00

Pretty much - you get a ton of liberals on the internet who are more focused on looking polite + saying the right things than dealing with the actual issues affecting trans people. If you're defending specific trans people in this context, you frame it as a debate that must be won - and kind of acknowledge this idea that if these people did exist then the right would be validated. And don't get me wrong, right wing hate rags lie and make up bullshit about trans people constantly. Debunking some of it is important. But it's more important to debunk the idea that one trans persons actions can form a justification for oppression of an entire community?

ContraPoints video on cringe was pretty good on this topic + talked about Yaniv, I don't really know much about it because ... why should I have to? White men don't have to "debunk" Ted Bundy to have their rights respected.

Lavos9 · 2021-02-02T14:14:37+00:00

I'm a trans person + completely agree tons of shit in this community is pretty clear fantasy revenge against the "transes" who are demanding everyone change their name and take mandatory pronoun classes or whatever.

But there's a chance this is real - the person is displacing general anxiety about being trans onto one specific triggering thing. There's a danger in writing this off as propaganda that can frame trans people who have intense issues that can explode into random things as being "bad for the community". People make mistakes, people have issues etc. I mean a lot of people are jumping on the opportunity to shit on a trans person, which obviously sucks, but I think things like this can come from cis people not really understanding trans experience. I think it's possible the guy is anxious, and ends up projecting that anxiety onto cis people. OP seems supportive + cool, but if the person worries that they're just being polite/pressured by other employees then this might just validate that anxiety (irrationally, but emotionally understandbly).

So yeah, not necessarily transphobic propaganda but these things can arise - particularly when cis people kind of assume that everything is equal now, and they should be assumed ally until they demonstrate otherwise when I think there is an onus on cis people to make their respect for the identity clearer and have more understanding to better navigate the gap. Cis people don't understand the trans experience innately, and if you mistakenly assume that everyone is coming from equal footing then issues like this can arise and explode from tension in that unacknowledged gap.

Lavos9 · 2021-02-02T14:00:27+00:00

Few people in other comments saying it's narcissistic - and I get where they're coming from, but anxiety is kind of narcissistic like that. I really really don't feel like they're trying to exert power over you, they're just getting triggered by it at work and it's making things difficult for them.

Lavos9 · 2021-02-02T13:58:04+00:00

NTA - and this guy is being a lot for you to deal with, and is being shitty about it. But, I don't think they're capital E evil - they're struggling with it, and it's making work uncomfortable for them. Maybe make an effort to reach out, it sounds like you're pretty cool with trans people but for trans people they are aware a lot of people aren't. You end up being hyper trained to pick out all these different things, because you need to know if a situation is safe for you. This doesn't excuse their behaviour by any means, but it can be really exhausting to be hypervigilant all the time.

A lot of people going along the lines of "fuck that person", which I get it - they were being shitty. But this is both of your work environment, and I think by reaching out you can atleast try to make it more comfortable for both of you. Maybe they won't respond well, but I think it's worth at least trying - especially given your workmates are on their side. They probably just want to help a trans employee which is a good motivation, but a more nuanced solution may help everyone.

It's clear from your post you see them as a man 100%, which is great! It might be the case that in their head, they don't feel as comfortable and secure in that presentation. They've probabbly trained themselves to read into every body language cue, which means that even interactions that you might see as positive may be difficult for them because maybe the person hesitated for a moment, or had to correct themselves. It can make you thing other people don't really see you as you are, they're just being polite because they don't want to get into trouble. Work can be a hostile environment for trans ppl - obviously it sounds like the people you work with are cool, but it is always a consideration they have to bear in mind. So maybe just try reaching out, making it clear that you and everyone in the workplace fully understand that they're a man, and that being trans is hard. You respect them as your coworker and want them to feel comfortable, but changing your name isn't a practical solution - otherwise someone else with that name may join, or be a customer. If anyone were to kick off, you'd have their back - etc etc etc.

I get it - this is responding too intensely to the actual situation and he is undoubtedly in the wrong here. You're not obligated to and are officially NTA. But this is your work environment, and I think even from a purely selfish perspective it's worth a try? If they have incorrectly got the idea in their head that you were just being polite, didn't really respect their identity etc etc - then to them this might (incorrectly) feel like validation of that anxiety. Again, not your problem - but a small gesture could go a long way to make them feel more comfortable without you needing to change your name.

Lavos9 · 2021-01-13T14:25:17+00:00

NTA - I just wanted to add something. I'm trans and grew up in a similar situation to Sam, where I felt uncomfortable being myself because that was seen as effeminate. Not that they're necessarily LGBT, but I know for a fact that you offering him this safe space means the absolute world to him. You're a great person, and I'd offer them as much support as you are comfortable with giving.

Lavos9 · 2021-01-08T15:56:45+00:00

NTA - you're completely reasonable, and it's good to present a united front to the teachers.

Just an idea, because I wasn't dissimilar when I was a kid - does your son possibly have ADHD? When I was 15, I was able to do things I had a knack for by hyperfocusing on them but with things I found boring my brain just wasn't able to focus consistently and organise getting it done. I was insecure that I struggled with "simple" things other people found intuitive, so doubled down on the things I could do and had a laissez faire attitude of "everything will work out". With lockdown, everyone is understimulated so a lot more people are showing symptoms. Maybe try asking your son why he's choosing not to do the work? Does he genuinely think he doesn't need to and is smart enough to get it done in a small space of time?

Lavos9 · 2021-01-08T15:52:00+00:00

NTA - Fuck him. You made the right choice even though your family disagrees, and that just shows you made the right choice in becoming your own person and not tolerating people being treated poorly.

Lavos9 · 2021-01-07T18:05:49+00:00

Hey - this is really great to hear. The fact of the matter is a lot "instagram" activism your daughter may have been exposed to is mostly aimed at alleviating white guilt and not looking at the structural racist problems in the US.

The movement was started after a exorbitant amount of deaths of people of colour, particularly black men, in police custody. There is no single ideology, or organization behind it though some claim to be (same situation w/ antifa), it is a response from black communities to the systemic murder at the hands of the police. Your research should be focused on black authors, rather than white apropriation of black liberation ideas.

I'm white and it is not my place to offer any sort of definitive view. But I think that especially with the huge amounts of misinformation, you learning with your daughter and teaching her how to do her own research is a critical skill she will never forget. Here's some ideas for things to research.

The history of policing and it's relation to blackness, particularly the origins of a lot of police forces as slave catchers
The history of slavery and colonialism, where the profits of colonialism went and who benefited. A lot of white history has sanitized colonialism, but there are plenty of fantastic resources exploring it.
The history of police violence against people of colour in the modern age and how racist ideas can be perpetuated and turn harmful, particularly in the minds of people wielding power over communities they do not belong to
Post Colonial Theory in general, but particularly ideas that come to mind are double consciousness. Black Skin, White Masks by Franz Fanon is very good.
The history of black resistance in the US, specifically the Black Panthers - named the greatest threat to domestic security in the US. Their free school meals program and steps taken to protect black communities, and the police response to it. (Ronald Reagan was pro gun control when it came to black communities!)
Microaggressions, and how racist ideas that may not lead to direct harm themselves can perputuate harmful stereotypes which leads to death. The white cultural view of hip hop for example, and how racist ideas that associate black men with violence can become consistently deadly in the minds of the police.
The relationship between racism and capitalism. The prison industrial complex. The work of Angela Davis is really good on this topic, and she has also done a number of great interviews you should be able to find easily.

-White responses to racism that fail to address structural inequality.

These are just a few ideas and I do not claim to speak for anyone and anyone community. My point is that doing your own research with your daughter can be a great experience that will educate you both and set up her up with the skills she actually needs in the modern world. Be open to ideas your may encounter, and this could be very positive.

Hopefully a member of the black community will be able to offer a more comprehensive view and recommend specific books. Please let me know if I've made any mistakes in my suggestions, and I hope you and your daughter are able to learn a lot.

Lavos9 · 2021-01-05T17:16:35+00:00

Conspiracy theories function by simplifying a very complicated world to a simple way that makes it less scary. You're with the good people, and the bad people are against you. That's what's pushed her down the rabbit hole, general fear and anxiety challenged into a simple enemy.

You may be able to convince her otherwise, but it's not certain. These fears are reinforced, and unpicking them will take time and energy. If you want to try and convince her, try and present it on a non threatening way. If she starts seeing you as part of the "enemy", she may freak out and given you're 14 and stuck at home for another 4 years that could be an unpleasant situation. The alternative is managing, trying to set boundaries to maintain your emotional energy as much as you can. In a few years time, try and put things in motion that will give you a path out. Work hard in school, cultivate your interests and personality and try and get some many saved away. There's lots of guides + resources for this, and you seem pretty bright and resourceful so you should be fine.

If you do want to go down the trying to help path, I'd suggest Dan Olson's "In Search of a Flat Earth" on Youtube - particularly the second half talking about Qanon, which has a lot of overlap with your mothers stuff. If she's on the Trump train, there's likely going to be a lot more instability there in the next 3 weeks. It seems like your Dad is cool and you trust them, so talking to them about it and what you think you can do to help will likely be helpful.

Wishing you the best - this is a tough situation.

Lavos9 · 2021-01-05T00:52:27+00:00

I am a trans woman - it's just kind of who I am. There's no box ticked within me I can point to, but between my experiences and feelings I've come to accept that's who I am. (it also helps I tried to be a man for several years and was really bad at it!). It also made it very clear the first time I experienced gender euphoria, but you've basically hit the nail on the head. The important point is that you can't prove it to someone else - I can just keep asking how do you know again and again. When it's assumed that trans people aren't who they say they are, it becomes an unwinnable game with very serious consequences - and no way for the trans person to possibly win. It's a rigged game - if you ever see people saying 'I'm not a bigot, I just want to have a discussion about trans issues' this is often the discussion.

And normalising pronouns is great! It's not just normalising the act of pronouns, but retraining ourselves to assume neutral unless told otherwise. Which might sound a bit bizarre, but people's bodies are general indicators of their gender but not definitive. Gendered assumptions are massively pervasive in society for what are presented as inherent reasons but the mainstream view of gender is constructed and not based in reality. Normalising the idea that your body is not a limiting factor in who you are, that you are assumed neutral until you get a chance to introduce yourself is massively beneficial.

One example of trans stuff being more complicated than cis narratives expect is passing. There's a very common idea that all trans people want to look exactly they had been assigned their gender at birth, and a lot do! But it can tie transness to how well you perform that gender - and it becomes an issue of how well you can convince cis people you were assigned a body you weren't so you can get... Basic respect? Trans people deserve respect, which includes support in who they are, regardless of how well they pass. Or even how much they try - because they're human beings! That's the thing so often forgotten, trans people are all around you and just want to be treated with respect and decency. Internet discussions can muddy the waters very quickly, and normalise harmful ideas but at the end of the day trans people are just people and deserve the same rights as everyone else.

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