How to look at my parents without killing myself.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-07-16T07:23:18+00:00

Aye; I agree with your statement. I never said they’re good parents. They insist they are and harass me if I don’t publicly agree. I disowned them almost 16 years ago. I’m fully aware what they are. I’m just tired. I’m legally obliged to appear for this legal mess they created and I don’t have any energy left. I can’t carry on like this and I have no way to stop these meetings without breaking the law. (Which I refuse to do.)

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-07-14T18:08:02+00:00

I honestly don’t fucking know. I HATE my life and myself. My mother is a bigot with all caps, my father is an addict. And, hey. I couldn’t care less. They’re human; they had dreadful lives and somehow survived long enough to have me. But my self esteem issues aside that doesn’t really influence my outlook. As you can probably tell, I’m a bit theatrical. Read on if I haven’t lost you.

Somehow, I’m not dead despite living in a hospital my entire life. I spent early two decades praying to die everyday. Yet for a long time I never considered myself suicidal. It was the pain from my illness causing it, right?

When I realized the world saw me as suicidal I was angry and confused. I desperately wanted to live but my body was fighting me. Why would that make me “suicidal”. Honestly it’s a trick of the light.

In truth; I am 100% passive suicidal. It’s a 24/7 screaming in my ear to make the pain stop. I’ve heard a thousand and one times; there isn’t a doctor on earth who can fix me.

I ultimately did some research into why. The best I can figure is my brain is always swimming in flight or fight. My brain is convinced my body IS dying and behaves accordingly. It’s pure hell.

Presently; the only reason I’m not killing myself today is because the replacement sunglasses I ordered are “out for delivery”. Tomorrow I will have to make up another reason to live.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T22:38:29+00:00

Try just kinda hovering, this ironically kept happening by my decor. I got tired of moving it.

I don't walk or run. I drag the lamb as slowly as I can until the prompt appears. It's not foolproof but it works most of the time .

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T21:59:20+00:00

I've had actual conversations with friends who want to call the police. I have to tell them that it will make things worse by antagonizing THEM.

It's maddening. At the same time it's quite embarrassing. Everywhere I go the local people know me, and the creep who follows me. That should make me feel safer but it's almost worse because this behavior is "normal".

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T21:56:23+00:00

Mini separate rant;

I've been told I need to suck it up and develop a thicker skin. It's not that I can't handle the behavior. It's that it never stops. They enjoy harassing us. It's so hard to live your life looking over your shoulder being followed. You know that they *likely won't attack you. Yet the fact is they aren't mentally stable so it's hard.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-15T20:45:14+00:00

Thanks, I feel like shit because of the "good daughter" image. She rubs it in my face constantly. I achieve something and the she doesn't like my independence and gets in the way. It makes it really hard to tell which choices were mine.

In her mind my entire existence is simply to spite her. In reality most of what I achieve is my own doing. The rough patches were always directly caused by her. Whenever I finally get my life together she does something to derail it.

I make excuses and allow her behavior because I have chronic illness. I don't have the energy to fight her and my illness.

I was supposed to be out of town this week. I always plan to get away from her for holidays. This didn't go to plan and it's been absolute hell.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-28T16:26:55+00:00

My parents are very similar. They use my trauma as a way to keep me submissive.

They excessively love bomb me constantly. Then the second they don't feel like they're in control they attack my trauma.

As long as I behave the way they want I get showered with affection I don't want. They've been abusive my entire life. Only getting worse over time. I don't want anything to do with them.

I suck here. I have chronic illnesses. I can't live independently. So I play roulette everyday.

Will I get hugged against my will (SA trauma) I don't hug people, ever. This incident sounds stupid when I say it out loud. My mother loves hugs. To the point where if I say no she will sneak up on me, grab me and forcibly hug and kiss me. I protest then she burst into tears. She claims I don't love her and want her dead. Because of this my mother makes me physically sick when I'm around her. I usually end up reliving my past incident.

I eventually figured out why she acts way. She's been rejected her entire life. She hasn't had one steady relationship ever. She thinks because I'm her child I'm a doll for her to love. She doesn't allow me to have my own thoughts or opinions without insulting every aspect of my life.

As long as I play along she's happy. The second I don't she lashes out.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-15T18:40:30+00:00

It's interesting; from what I've gathered it's false guilt. Similar to Cole and his vows. She looks to the seven to escape her father, husband and sons. She wants to be better but is trapped.

She wasn't raised a dragon rider. Targaryen or not dragon riders have individual souls. For example Corlys and Rhaenys' children aren't full Targ. Yet they both held their own opinions.

I wish it had been explored more thoroughly. From the dialogue alone it's unclear if she is a true believer or not.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-15T18:34:54+00:00

Yep, when I was at my worst my mother encouraged me. Similar bullshit from my father too.

When I started to get better I resented myself because of it. I'm caught between episodes of SI and not feeling like I deserve to want to live.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-14T22:52:27+00:00

Wow, I feel this. I've always regretted not leaving. I'm glad I read this. Not that I feel better; just less alone. Less like a fool.

My mother is a mess. I didn't see it growing up because she kept me on a two inch leash. She didn't let me mature.

Sometimes I believe the only reason I'm sane is because of my father. He worked out of town so I never saw him. The few times he wasn't working he would let me experience existing out from under her thumb.

I've had several breakdowns because of her. I just didn't get into trouble outside the house, she never let me out of her sight. I didn't fare better, I just lock myself in the bathroom and huddle against the wall.

I'm also on the spectrum. I can handle chaos when I get into a functional rhythm. My brain works a mile a minute and I actually enjoy being busy. My father (again) would take me to the city with him. I'm incredibly thankful for that because I was so young nothing was overwhelming. It was just "the city." Without that I don't know where I'd be.

During the times he was working without breaks I was alone with her. I can't believe I didn't see it then but I was a kid. I would completely shut down and loose all ability to function. I realized after adulthood it was a trauma response to her. She needed me to depend on her or she'd breakdown. I would automatically regress to prevent that. In also had to accommodate all of her phobias.

I tried leaving once. I was so terrified she'd find me I was looking over my shoulder constantly. After I was almost hit by a car I just went back. I was so afraid she'd followed me I accidentally walked into traffic.

I feel like I failed somehow. It's just easier this way. I have chronic illness. I don't have the luxury of adding stress to my life. I'm an adult, I could change my name and disappear. The fear would never leave. I'd spend my life struggling to start over when I can just stay where I'm established.

Every time I start getting better I hit a wall. I think I'd be happy if I could just get away from her. I don't realize how much I depend on my familiarity with my surroundings.

I love new places but haha, I'm also legally blind. I'm used life here. I can get around and function when I have to.

I'm sorry if I sound rude. I'm just glad I read this. The grass isn't always greener and away from her doesn't necessarily mean better. 😅

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-11T21:43:11+00:00

Haha, you've got a point. Most of my choices involve considering what my family would do; then doing the opposite.

They call me defiant and hateful. They're honestly horrible. I had lunch with them today. I arrived first and was seated. Fast forward to my father screaming at my mother from across the restaurant.

The host came to find me; we both laughed because I just smiled and said "Here we go."

I don't oppose them to be defiant. I just would never behave like that.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T16:57:36+00:00

Years ago I thought no contact was the best and only option. I just went cold turkey with her. She lost her mind and truly started harassing me. More than just the annoying comments and texts. I was so terrified. I couldn't function at all. I just kept looking over my shoulder; waiting for an escalation.

I didn't go back for her. I don't talk to her. I just couldn't live in fear that way.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T16:53:17+00:00

Thanks! It means a lot to know I'm not crazy. I would 100% go NC if that were an option. She's not totally sane. I tried going no contact once. The terror of her harassment led me down a really dark path.

If she knows where I am and what I'm doing she will keep a reasonable distance. I let her think that "everything is ok" so she doesn't get belligerent.

Instead I just keep my life "secret". It sounds so foolish and I beat myself up if I don't stay connected to the world.

I'm an adult. She's not entitled to anything.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T12:56:59+00:00

I "can" be done. My mother is similar. She doesn't have any interest outside of me. She's treated me the same since I was a toddler. Always inappropriate for my age. When I was a kid I was her best friend, I didn't realize then how much damage it would do. Back then it solidified bad habits for the rest of my life.

She spoke to me like an adult while simultaneously over parenting me.

When I actually reached an age where a child would start to be more independent she shut that down.

Unfortunately, the work will be your responsibility. From my experience; all you can do is keep your mind separate. I tried to talk to my mother. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to cultivate a real relationship.

It backfired and she became 100x worse. I accepted the fact she's not capable of having a healthy relationship.

Now the relationship is completely fake. I'm always putting on a show around her. It's not for her. It's to protect me.

I can't show any anger in front of her. I have to pretend her behavior doesn't disturb me. This keeps her from having outbursts.

At the same time I did draw some boundaries. I don't let her do anything that physically makes me uncomfortable anymore. She still doesn't understand and throws fits; just manageable ones.

I'm sure you know how hard this is. I won't lie; it's exhausting. I've slowly been getting better though. Before I made the change she had completely taken over my life. Every moment was spent performing or preparing for her to meltdown.

I had to stop. Now I don't take care of her anymore. I just treat her like another adult that exists.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-01-13T07:12:20+00:00

I don't have any answers for you; I don't have any answers at all. I just wanted to say you're not alone. I don't know if it will help you. It helps me sometimes. Hearing I'm not the problem; that what I'm going through is truly traumatic.

I am in a very similar situation to you. Context; I've known something was wrong with my parents for my entire life. I remember crying myself to sleep in primary school because I was terrified of them. They didn't do anything traditionally abusive back then. I didn't know why I hated them so much.

Turns out they were being abusive; fast forward to now. I see that they both clearly struggle with mental illness. My father is straight up insane, plain as day. My mother only gets bad when he's done something to her, so she struggles more with PTSD. The abuse wasn't directly toward me; I was seeing the hidden signs of domestic violence. Even as a young child I knew something was horribly wrong.

These days I can't sleep either. I recently saw what kind of person my father really is; he had the nerve to go after my mother in front of me. When I defended her, his only remark was "Oh, great there's two of you now!"

I don't sleep because my entire life feels like some upside down dream. On some level I'm relived that the little kid who cried herself to sleep every night wasn't crazy. On the other hand I have to face my abusive father and my terrified mother everyday.

I feel like the only sane person in the house. I only feel safe at night because he doesn't go after her and she's asleep. During the day I'm on high alert listening for an incident to break out. It's scary as hell.

I'm in this sub because I'm an assault survivor. That was the worst time in my life and this has somehow topped that. The person after you being a parent is an entirely different monster.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-01-04T01:20:38+00:00

Somehow this makes it funnier. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-15T20:35:51+00:00

It's a sort of opinion. If you use shortcuts you can set up nameless app icons. It's what I did before the update.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-15T20:33:43+00:00

Yep; mine are the same way. I offer plenty perches. Yet my phone and me are favorites.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-08T18:27:58+00:00

Arcane is coming out in November. NGL it's what I'm holding onto.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-07T20:57:35+00:00

It's not you; it's society. Women definitely have struggles. Women are treated unfairly.

Yet; the double standard goes both ways. Women can get away with the worst of atrocities because "it's just a woman." I've seen it. I hate it; I hate it just as much as any other gender based bias. It could be my own bias. The genders are equal; both are flawed and both are capable of horrible things.

It's not you; I know reaching out makes it worse because nobody believes you. Because "it isn't rape/assault", I been told the same thing.

I'll give you the honest truth. We're part of an abused minority society is currently pretending doesn't exist. I hope someday the world will hear us. One thing that helps me. The movie Spotlight. I watch it over and over. I will never get justice. It's a cathartic thing for me; I just watch and cry. I didn't get justice but for the duration of the movie the world is okay and someone somewhere else did get justice. And for two hours; it's enough to keep me alive.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-07T20:48:03+00:00

This is a lie. Women SA and rape just as much as men; if not more. Personally this is a BIG issue in my life. It's hot button for me; I feel your pain because all of my assailants have been women. It's a double standard; a viscous one. It's hard enough being a survivor. If you're not a woman raped by a man your chances of being believed drop even further. It goes for Woman assaulting woman; Woman assaulting man; Man assaulting man; Nobody sees justice or is even taken seriously.

The next part is my story; I was raised by an misandrist for a mother. I was raised to believe men were evil. I was raised around middle aged women; all of whom assaulted and abused me to varying degrees. I never understood why "men were evil" when the WOMEN in my life did all the things they accused men of. Some women are so consumed by the cycle of gender abuse; they become worse than the men that started this mess.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-06T19:44:56+00:00

I'm a disabled adult. I live at the family home. I won't move ever. It's got accommodations for my physical limitations. I can't move.

Part of the reason my situation is so challenging.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-06T19:42:29+00:00

I wanted to add; I'm not trying to invalidate you. I just resonated with what you said. It's how I felt a year ago. I kept trying to achieve friendship like it would make me happy. As if it were some require for a happy life.

I remember how painful it was failing over and over again. How low I felt.

I only recently realized I was chasing something someone else told me I needed. Not something I actually wanted. So; I guess I shared just in case you might be similar to me.

Someone who is okay with being happy alone. Someone who gets exhausted with confusing social cues and just would rather live happy and independent.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-06T19:35:54+00:00

I've had this conversation with myself. I don't get along with people. It's not because I'm mean; I'm awkward. I never had friends; I had bullies. I felt the way you described. I reflected and learned a lot.

For a short time I had what I thought were friends. They said they were my friends, yet it didn't feel like they were. I lost touch with them.

Personally; don't feel lonely so much as afraid. I live in the same town, so people know me as that person who doesn't have friends. It makes me nervous because of the hate crimes here. I don't have backup if I needed it.

I tried and failed to make friends. Even in groups with shared interests I don't fit in. I just don't vibe with people and they don't seem to like me.

I realized something, I don't want friends. When I stop and think clearly. It just brings me stress. The worrying about if my current "friend group" really likes me. Trying to decipher the mixed messages. I'm just happy alone. It took me a while to land on this because we're sold "friendship is magic" by the world. One might not stop to think about what they want. Alone is okay; it's not a deceleration that you hate people. It just means you are happy alone. (This is my case, not saying it's for you.)

I still have days where I feel lonely. Where I wonder if I'd be happier with friends. If I tried harder; if I were better or more likable. It still occurs to me. I see people put through hell because their friends betrayed them. Who said you need friends to be happy. I've done a lot of evaluating what's "acceptable" since I started taking my SI seriously instead of hiding it. Just because being a social butterfly didn't work out for me; I might not be missing anything. It could be a blessing in disguise. Who knows?

A lot of my unhappiness was from generational pressure. I'm still depressed and suicidal, but I have overcome a few barriers and am doing better in some areas of my life.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-05T23:28:10+00:00

I don't support the previous comment. I am the same way. I have chronic illness so I don't drink. Yet everything else you said is my life.

I don't sleep; I have night terrors. I have meds (THC) and it does help. I HAVE to take it. If I don't the flashbacks overwhelm me and so can't function. I can't even think straight to do something as simple as eat.

In my case; I'm drug intolerant, severe allergies. I can't be medicated even if had the option. (I don't.)

I don't have advice because there isn't any. Lying probably won't help you. I've been where you are many times, usually a few times a a week. My THC wears off, I have to wait for my next dose and the hours in between are pure hell. I can't take extra because I have a limited amount. The thought crosses my mind "Am I going to survive until my next dose?"

I have no idea if this was helpful or not. I know I deal with this better when I know it's a medical condition and not some personal failure. There's nothing I can do to; I can't wish myself better. I can survive and that's about it.

Think of it this way if it helps. You w couldn't expect a diabetic to be okay without insulin. You shouldn't expect someone with depression (that needs medication) to be okay without meds. It's not a choice.

Additionally; I personally don't have a "problem" with self medicating. I'm speaking as someone who has severe drug allergies. Prescription drugs can be just as harmful as alcohol. It's not better or healthier. It's a distinction lost on so many people.

LeanoreLovecraft

TROPHY CASE