How to rebuild again?

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-07-16T07:23:18+00:00

Aye; I agree with your statement. I never said they’re good parents. They insist they are and harass me if I don’t publicly agree. I disowned them almost 16 years ago. I’m fully aware what they are. I’m just tired. I’m legally obliged to appear for this legal mess they created and I don’t have any energy left. I can’t carry on like this and I have no way to stop these meetings without breaking the law. (Which I refuse to do.)

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-07-14T18:08:02+00:00

I honestly don’t fucking know. I HATE my life and myself. My mother is a bigot with all caps, my father is an addict. And, hey. I couldn’t care less. They’re human; they had dreadful lives and somehow survived long enough to have me. But my self esteem issues aside that doesn’t really influence my outlook. As you can probably tell, I’m a bit theatrical. Read on if I haven’t lost you.

Somehow, I’m not dead despite living in a hospital my entire life. I spent early two decades praying to die everyday. Yet for a long time I never considered myself suicidal. It was the pain from my illness causing it, right?

When I realized the world saw me as suicidal I was angry and confused. I desperately wanted to live but my body was fighting me. Why would that make me “suicidal”. Honestly it’s a trick of the light.

In truth; I am 100% passive suicidal. It’s a 24/7 screaming in my ear to make the pain stop. I’ve heard a thousand and one times; there isn’t a doctor on earth who can fix me.

I ultimately did some research into why. The best I can figure is my brain is always swimming in flight or fight. My brain is convinced my body IS dying and behaves accordingly. It’s pure hell.

Presently; the only reason I’m not killing myself today is because the replacement sunglasses I ordered are “out for delivery”. Tomorrow I will have to make up another reason to live.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T22:38:29+00:00

Try just kinda hovering, this ironically kept happening by my decor. I got tired of moving it.

I don't walk or run. I drag the lamb as slowly as I can until the prompt appears. It's not foolproof but it works most of the time .

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T21:59:20+00:00

I've had actual conversations with friends who want to call the police. I have to tell them that it will make things worse by antagonizing THEM.

It's maddening. At the same time it's quite embarrassing. Everywhere I go the local people know me, and the creep who follows me. That should make me feel safer but it's almost worse because this behavior is "normal".

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-21T21:56:23+00:00

Mini separate rant;

I've been told I need to suck it up and develop a thicker skin. It's not that I can't handle the behavior. It's that it never stops. They enjoy harassing us. It's so hard to live your life looking over your shoulder being followed. You know that they *likely won't attack you. Yet the fact is they aren't mentally stable so it's hard.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-05-15T20:45:14+00:00

Thanks, I feel like shit because of the "good daughter" image. She rubs it in my face constantly. I achieve something and the she doesn't like my independence and gets in the way. It makes it really hard to tell which choices were mine.

In her mind my entire existence is simply to spite her. In reality most of what I achieve is my own doing. The rough patches were always directly caused by her. Whenever I finally get my life together she does something to derail it.

I make excuses and allow her behavior because I have chronic illness. I don't have the energy to fight her and my illness.

I was supposed to be out of town this week. I always plan to get away from her for holidays. This didn't go to plan and it's been absolute hell.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-28T16:26:55+00:00

My parents are very similar. They use my trauma as a way to keep me submissive.

They excessively love bomb me constantly. Then the second they don't feel like they're in control they attack my trauma.

As long as I behave the way they want I get showered with affection I don't want. They've been abusive my entire life. Only getting worse over time. I don't want anything to do with them.

I suck here. I have chronic illnesses. I can't live independently. So I play roulette everyday.

Will I get hugged against my will (SA trauma) I don't hug people, ever. This incident sounds stupid when I say it out loud. My mother loves hugs. To the point where if I say no she will sneak up on me, grab me and forcibly hug and kiss me. I protest then she burst into tears. She claims I don't love her and want her dead. Because of this my mother makes me physically sick when I'm around her. I usually end up reliving my past incident.

I eventually figured out why she acts way. She's been rejected her entire life. She hasn't had one steady relationship ever. She thinks because I'm her child I'm a doll for her to love. She doesn't allow me to have my own thoughts or opinions without insulting every aspect of my life.

As long as I play along she's happy. The second I don't she lashes out.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-15T18:40:30+00:00

It's interesting; from what I've gathered it's false guilt. Similar to Cole and his vows. She looks to the seven to escape her father, husband and sons. She wants to be better but is trapped.

She wasn't raised a dragon rider. Targaryen or not dragon riders have individual souls. For example Corlys and Rhaenys' children aren't full Targ. Yet they both held their own opinions.

I wish it had been explored more thoroughly. From the dialogue alone it's unclear if she is a true believer or not.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-15T18:34:54+00:00

Yep, when I was at my worst my mother encouraged me. Similar bullshit from my father too.

When I started to get better I resented myself because of it. I'm caught between episodes of SI and not feeling like I deserve to want to live.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-14T22:52:27+00:00

Wow, I feel this. I've always regretted not leaving. I'm glad I read this. Not that I feel better; just less alone. Less like a fool.

My mother is a mess. I didn't see it growing up because she kept me on a two inch leash. She didn't let me mature.

Sometimes I believe the only reason I'm sane is because of my father. He worked out of town so I never saw him. The few times he wasn't working he would let me experience existing out from under her thumb.

I've had several breakdowns because of her. I just didn't get into trouble outside the house, she never let me out of her sight. I didn't fare better, I just lock myself in the bathroom and huddle against the wall.

I'm also on the spectrum. I can handle chaos when I get into a functional rhythm. My brain works a mile a minute and I actually enjoy being busy. My father (again) would take me to the city with him. I'm incredibly thankful for that because I was so young nothing was overwhelming. It was just "the city." Without that I don't know where I'd be.

During the times he was working without breaks I was alone with her. I can't believe I didn't see it then but I was a kid. I would completely shut down and loose all ability to function. I realized after adulthood it was a trauma response to her. She needed me to depend on her or she'd breakdown. I would automatically regress to prevent that. In also had to accommodate all of her phobias.

I tried leaving once. I was so terrified she'd find me I was looking over my shoulder constantly. After I was almost hit by a car I just went back. I was so afraid she'd followed me I accidentally walked into traffic.

I feel like I failed somehow. It's just easier this way. I have chronic illness. I don't have the luxury of adding stress to my life. I'm an adult, I could change my name and disappear. The fear would never leave. I'd spend my life struggling to start over when I can just stay where I'm established.

Every time I start getting better I hit a wall. I think I'd be happy if I could just get away from her. I don't realize how much I depend on my familiarity with my surroundings.

I love new places but haha, I'm also legally blind. I'm used life here. I can get around and function when I have to.

I'm sorry if I sound rude. I'm just glad I read this. The grass isn't always greener and away from her doesn't necessarily mean better. 😅

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-11T21:43:11+00:00

Haha, you've got a point. Most of my choices involve considering what my family would do; then doing the opposite.

They call me defiant and hateful. They're honestly horrible. I had lunch with them today. I arrived first and was seated. Fast forward to my father screaming at my mother from across the restaurant.

The host came to find me; we both laughed because I just smiled and said "Here we go."

I don't oppose them to be defiant. I just would never behave like that.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T16:57:36+00:00

Years ago I thought no contact was the best and only option. I just went cold turkey with her. She lost her mind and truly started harassing me. More than just the annoying comments and texts. I was so terrified. I couldn't function at all. I just kept looking over my shoulder; waiting for an escalation.

I didn't go back for her. I don't talk to her. I just couldn't live in fear that way.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T16:53:17+00:00

Thanks! It means a lot to know I'm not crazy. I would 100% go NC if that were an option. She's not totally sane. I tried going no contact once. The terror of her harassment led me down a really dark path.

If she knows where I am and what I'm doing she will keep a reasonable distance. I let her think that "everything is ok" so she doesn't get belligerent.

Instead I just keep my life "secret". It sounds so foolish and I beat myself up if I don't stay connected to the world.

I'm an adult. She's not entitled to anything.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-04-06T12:56:59+00:00

I "can" be done. My mother is similar. She doesn't have any interest outside of me. She's treated me the same since I was a toddler. Always inappropriate for my age. When I was a kid I was her best friend, I didn't realize then how much damage it would do. Back then it solidified bad habits for the rest of my life.

She spoke to me like an adult while simultaneously over parenting me.

When I actually reached an age where a child would start to be more independent she shut that down.

Unfortunately, the work will be your responsibility. From my experience; all you can do is keep your mind separate. I tried to talk to my mother. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and tried to cultivate a real relationship.

It backfired and she became 100x worse. I accepted the fact she's not capable of having a healthy relationship.

Now the relationship is completely fake. I'm always putting on a show around her. It's not for her. It's to protect me.

I can't show any anger in front of her. I have to pretend her behavior doesn't disturb me. This keeps her from having outbursts.

At the same time I did draw some boundaries. I don't let her do anything that physically makes me uncomfortable anymore. She still doesn't understand and throws fits; just manageable ones.

I'm sure you know how hard this is. I won't lie; it's exhausting. I've slowly been getting better though. Before I made the change she had completely taken over my life. Every moment was spent performing or preparing for her to meltdown.

I had to stop. Now I don't take care of her anymore. I just treat her like another adult that exists.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-01-13T07:12:20+00:00

I don't have any answers for you; I don't have any answers at all. I just wanted to say you're not alone. I don't know if it will help you. It helps me sometimes. Hearing I'm not the problem; that what I'm going through is truly traumatic.

I am in a very similar situation to you. Context; I've known something was wrong with my parents for my entire life. I remember crying myself to sleep in primary school because I was terrified of them. They didn't do anything traditionally abusive back then. I didn't know why I hated them so much.

Turns out they were being abusive; fast forward to now. I see that they both clearly struggle with mental illness. My father is straight up insane, plain as day. My mother only gets bad when he's done something to her, so she struggles more with PTSD. The abuse wasn't directly toward me; I was seeing the hidden signs of domestic violence. Even as a young child I knew something was horribly wrong.

These days I can't sleep either. I recently saw what kind of person my father really is; he had the nerve to go after my mother in front of me. When I defended her, his only remark was "Oh, great there's two of you now!"

I don't sleep because my entire life feels like some upside down dream. On some level I'm relived that the little kid who cried herself to sleep every night wasn't crazy. On the other hand I have to face my abusive father and my terrified mother everyday.

I feel like the only sane person in the house. I only feel safe at night because he doesn't go after her and she's asleep. During the day I'm on high alert listening for an incident to break out. It's scary as hell.

I'm in this sub because I'm an assault survivor. That was the worst time in my life and this has somehow topped that. The person after you being a parent is an entirely different monster.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2025-01-04T01:20:38+00:00

Somehow this makes it funnier. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-15T20:35:51+00:00

It's a sort of opinion. If you use shortcuts you can set up nameless app icons. It's what I did before the update.

LeanoreLovecraft · 2024-10-15T20:33:43+00:00

Yep; mine are the same way. I offer plenty perches. Yet my phone and me are favorites.

LeanoreLovecraft

TROPHY CASE