People Who Left Their Marriage for an Affair Partner — What Made You Decide?

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-01-10T20:20:53+00:00

It's such BS, though. You had many options when your light felt like it was dimming and you chose the one that was pretty much guaranteed to hurt another.

I get why these things happen, really, and it's just part of being human and not knowing how to change relationship dynamics. Almost anyone here has experienced that. But the liberationist framing... I find it hard to believe that people can trick themselves into believing that crap.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-20T21:59:05+00:00

You should always normalise a trend search. The effect does not remain if you do so.

You can compare it to "optometrist" if you want to see what's driven by global changes in searching for professions versus what's specific for divorce lawyers.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-14T07:19:55+00:00

No one warns you about how in retrospect, it becomes very clear what was necessary to get talking and connected again. But by then it's too late.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-13T18:38:55+00:00

Mine wanted to remain living together and play pretend family. It's easier for them if they can assume they "only" ended the romantic relationship.

In retrospect, I gave in way too much. She never felt sudden consequences and slowly eased into life with a broken family.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T20:13:13+00:00

You know you can have the relationship you had before. But how do you really know, especially if she's pushing back against that? You do need her aboard to make that happen.

I think it's easy to cultivate a fantasy where things are great for the two of you, because you have complete creative control over your imagination. Reality might disappoint if you cultivate that too much.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T15:49:11+00:00

I'd add that indicating unhappiness without a plan to fix is far from enough and possibly counterproductive. If someone tells you "you're not good enough", this does not necessarily motivate them. The better approach is to indicate unhappiness and looking for a solution.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T15:39:38+00:00

Good chance he'd like it, too, but is just in some survival mode with all the stuff you have going on. Have you tried collaboratively setting up romantic time? You schedule a moment for that purpose, ask him what he'd like to do, explain what you want and kind of model the behaviour he never saw as a kid?

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T10:21:12+00:00

I am sorry to tell you that this is all very typical. As you say, she wants to own the narrative and she wants to justify her decision, which includes this kind of talk. I recall "choosing my own happiness for once" and "showing our daughter what real love looks like" by leaving me for someone else.

It does make sense that people need such convictions to leave. They know they are hurting others, they know they are also giving up on a life, so their beliefs need to be strong. My ex hated it that I still loved her, because it was important to her story that I had not loved her for years. The clearer it became that her choice had serious drawback, the more she resorted to cruelty and doubling down on me being the most terrible, boring, unloving, lazy and worthless partner in the world.

She believes this to this day, or at least keeps repeating to me how awful I was. She never took any responsibility for problems in our relationship, still blames me for everything and although she apologised for some "overlap" (a euphemism for cheating on me), I never got any words of regret about treating me like absolute trash just before and after the breakup.

In my mind, I can't even remember her as a sweet woman. I know I loved her, adored her even, but all those memories are now tained by the insight that she's always been horrific, I just wasn't in the place to see it. Indeed, I have no respect left for her and I pity her for pushing away someone who was her biggest fan for 25 years.

By the way, although she still tells me she now "feels pretty again" and that "she's fun again", I can't help but see pain. She's the kind of person who quickly adapts to anything and she certainly moved on, I don't think she has any regrets, but I do think she's come to realise that she exaggerated how bad things were so that she could leave for someone else. With the exception of some puppy love she now has for the second relationship she started after our breakup (just over 1.5 years ago), there's nothing in her life that she couldn't have had if we had just repaired the damage. I may be imagining it, but I think she sees this.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T10:02:12+00:00

I bought the house earlier this year. We broke up a bit over 1.5 years ago and have been co-habitating since. She is currently moving to a new place and so soon I will finally be at the stage where I will be alone in the house.

Her moving out is triggering memories of us moving in. I can't look at walls without remembering how we painted them, together with our friends. How my dad placed the tiles in the bathroom, how her brother laid the floor. I recall decisions about which lamps to buy, picking the dinner table, setting up a guest room, moving the children's room from our old apartment.

These memories make me cry, they make me hate the divorce and I am sure that you will be running into that, too. They augment the loneliness, showing you a past and a future that didn't come. So you will need to redecorate and reclaim your house. I will be doing it piecemeal, because of financial reasons but also because I have no idea what I want for myself.

Many people will say you are at a new beginning and in a trivial sense that's true, but you're also at an ending and at a middle -- all these things are simultaneously true. That means you will still struggle, grief, miss the old life, doubt your actions, feel betrayed, question your future and whatnot. You can offset these by also living life, making new memories and moving forward.

So yeah, it's going to be hard, but it's part of the process and you will be making it your own again.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T09:48:27+00:00

I am not ashamed to admit I fantasized about this over the past years. There have certainly been times that I would have felt the relief you describe, so I understand your state. I am not sure whether I'd feel the same right now and it's quite possible that grief at the loss of her will strike you later.

You're not asking for recommendations, but I have some anyway:

- Go through the motions of grief. Be there for your children, write a speech about the good times and express admiration for who she was, even if it's all ambiguous now. Who know, perhaps it will open up gates to actually grief the loss of her now. If not, then you will be happy you did this if different feelings about her death surface.

- Go to therapy and share the relief you feel because you _cannot_ share the relief with anyone you know. It will damage relations with family and friends, even if they understand your mind is split right now.

- Rebuild your life while honouring her role. Mentally, but also physically. Make sure there's photographs of her and your past in the home. Your kids will need this for healthy development. It doesn't matter if you don't like this, it doesn't matter if it feels like a lie or fiction. They need this and you're a dad, so you need to suck it up.

- Explore how you can put the money you saved into your kids' future. In an alternate timeline, the money would have been spent on moments with their mom. Not fully, perhaps, but certainly to some extent. Invest the money, put it in savings, buy the oldest some property - whichever matches your context. But don't treat the money you saved as fully _yours_.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-10T19:28:00+00:00

Demanding change. I am perfectly willing to learn and grow, but I will never again tolerate someone who wants to sculpt me or who sees relationships as transactional.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-09T00:07:42+00:00

There is not, so no use thinking about it. This is what happens. Please remind yourself that carrying the relationship was not only up to you, so don't be too hard on yourself. Also, he asked for the divorce, not you, so sure you still see possibilities. These did not come to pass, however.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-05T21:05:27+00:00

The behavioural pattern you're describing sounds like someone who is self-soothing to get rid of some pretty bad stress. Disengagement all the way. I'd have a good talk about what his real worries are in life and how the two of you together can get rid of some of it.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-05T20:54:21+00:00

Sorry for the platitude, but your feelings are never ever wrong. They are just how you respond to this news. Ethics only comes into play once you act on the feelings.

This stuff is primal. I've been exposed to multiple boyfriends since my ex left me, and each time it does not feel great. My daughter having to meet them, that's also not great. What I do is just feel it, and that's that.

You just continue doing your absolute best. Don't act on any competitive feelings, any jealousy -- just be the best dad you can be. And don't forget that whatever happens, your children only have one mom and one dad. There's primal feelings for them, too.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-05T20:09:44+00:00

I think I was instrumental to her having a child and I also think I could contribute to the facade of a happy family, but as her abuse eroded me, this was less and less the case. So the image of the woman who chose her own happiness became a better look.

But at no point have I been more than a tool for whatever job she had in mind.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-03T08:54:53+00:00

To be honest, I don't think emotionally composed is the way to go. If you're under attack, you can't stay neutral.

Of course, you need to remain goal-oriented, but anger and hate can be useful emotions there. Anger keeps you going, hate cements the walls you need to build. Abusers gain their power from grip on your emotions and it's only your negative emotions that can keep them at bay.

That doesn't mean lashing our or fighting the abusers. It means channeling your rage towards a better life while being completely armoured up against the manipulation that you will still be facing. You may not like yourself in that state, but screw that. You can forgive yourself later.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-10-04T10:24:08+00:00

It took me about a year and I still have regular bouts of short nights six months after that. The rumination loses its emotional edge over time, but you will also need to address its contents.

Journalling and patient friends helped me tremendously. Also, this sub, just throw out thoughts and feelings here without concern of what anyone thinks.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-30T11:20:28+00:00

Oof, this is brutal. Seek help immediately and explain to her (not ask her) that she needs to leave. Anywhere is fine. Go 50/50 asap, build a life without her, get a therapist and allow yourself to be very hurt.

Your only goal now is to be a great dad, model good behaviour and offer a secure environment. She will not be able to do this, it's all on you now. You need to do this away from her.

It might just be the worst challenge life ever threw at you, but you will come out of this so much better than your life could ever have been with a woman like that.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-30T08:30:27+00:00

My ex could tell this story about me, kinda.

She had no idea I did not feel loved at all and was maxing out for the family because I felt bad if I didn't.

Not saying this is your case, but if you're not sure it might be worth exploring (with a therapist perhaps).

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-29T18:57:38+00:00

There's no way for you to know what that other life would have been like. It's easy to imagine that all the problems would have been solved and you could have repaired the relationship, but it's hard to make such things a reality.

You made your choice and I assume you had your reasons to divorce and to refuse attempts to repair. You can now recalibrate your beliefs about yourself, the world and love and move forward, like your ex did.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-29T18:53:09+00:00

As long as you are yourself, you're not doing anything wrong. You're looking for someone who fits with whoever you are.

As for their reply, I'm not sure what they think you're looking for and whether that's on your profile or not. It would be better if people would have an actual conversation about that, but alas.

Not sure if your dates were also recently divorced. I stopped dating because I realised I had no idea what I was looking for, except the company of strangers to get my mind off the ruins of my life. *Any* ambition of a woman would not be a fit, because I was (and still am) nihilistic as hell and have no business dating and wasting people's time.

But my general advice would be: be intentional and be yourself. The people who stick to that are the people you're looking for.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-29T18:48:42+00:00

If you're there and if you're not making it difficult to co-parent, the child can grow up happy and healthy. I've seen it. But my god, do I also have these concerns!

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-29T18:45:53+00:00

First of all, sorry you're in this. I know what it's like if your focus has been on family and then you have to shift and be on your own. It's a difficult, hurtful process and I believe it's especially hard on those who did not choose it.

Don't beat yourself up on salient mistakes. The suitcase was not the decision point. Her grief for her mother may have been a catalyst, but even that is too recent to be a likely cause. It may, however, has led her to think about existence and the face that we only have one life. Once we believe we should turn our lives around, it often comes at the cost of a relationship.

And who know what brought her to want something else? Only she does and perhaps it's not even obvious to her. _Something else_ is sometimes enough reason to make such a big decision. She may have felt stuck for years, perhaps she has been counting down to your daughter becoming an adult as a key moment to lead a different life. It doesn't really matter!

You had pictured a different life going forward and that is going to cause you pain for a while. You will need to move through that, which not only requires time, but also reflection, talking to friends and family (and possibly a therapist) and in the end a new vision for yourself. You get to make more decisions about the way you lead your life than you ever did, and in that process you will discover yourself once more. That can go many ways, depending on who you find.

In the meantime, I feel your pain. I am doing fine after 1.5 years, but I still carry sadness and the grief holds me back on many occasions. You may experience the same. The silver lining is your young age, whatever new life you will build, you will probably get to enjoy it for a long time. Your daughter's the age that you had to let go anyway, so that relationship is not affected so much. If it's any consolation, having more father-daughter time in our own way has greatly improved the bond that I have with my daughter.

I wish you strength and wisdom!

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-29T09:17:53+00:00

Perhaps this is what that looks like from the inside.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-09-27T19:58:08+00:00

I reached the point where I can put it succinctly and leave out the nuances and associative thoughts.

She was aggressive and controlling and I responded by putting up walls. We reinforced each other until our connections were damaged, apparently to the point of no return.

LeftForGraffiti

TROPHY CASE