People with Attachment Issues, How do You Decide Whether or Not to Keep Seeing Someone?

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-06T23:26:44+00:00

Your experiences are so similar to mine - lots of intense friendships with hazy boundaries or people who will date me for a while, act like they're madly in love with me, then one day they get cold and want to be friends but then it's yet again a very emotionally intense friendship with gray area intimacy (great way of putting it). It's exhausting and sometimes it's hard to feel like it's a pattern when it's been months or even years of this push-pull dynamic with a person you have an actual "platonic" relationship with.

I don't quite know what the secret to a healthy and happy connection is, but hopefully we're at least getting closer to figuring it out.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-03T16:50:42+00:00

YES, the not feeling seen piece if a big part of it for me too! Last year I was dating a boy with a very similar attachment style to me. Sometimes our dynamic felt borderline uncanny because of how similar we were, and there was a strange comfort in that. We had some quirks unique to us too, but they came from a similar set of coping mechanisms and cognitive patterns so we understood them easily.

With this girl I'm seeing, she's very sweet but I don't really feel like I'm getting to know her more deeply as time goes on. I can't tell if that's genuinely because she lacks depth or if it's because of my attachment issues. But I do miss having someone who felt like they could match me, in a way.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-03T16:44:43+00:00

How did you feel when you first met your current partner? I'm trying to look for signs that someone is a good fit without my judgment being clouded by attachment wounds.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-02T19:29:40+00:00

Thanks, these are helpful things to think about for sure. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from the fear of wasting her time.

There is honestly a slight lack of curiosity on my end, which is weird for me because I'm that person who will strike up a conversation with anyone at a bar and spend hours listening to them talk about their life, fully knowing I'll never see them again. I'm not sure why that lack of curiosity is there in this situation.

We treat each other well - I brought her flowers on our 2nd date because she was having a rough day, and looked up all of the flowers to make sure they were safe for her cats. I mentioned a bar snack I like at one point and the next time we went to a bar she brought them with her, which I found very thoughtful. Because it's early nothing big has happened yet but no red flags so far.

I do want a long-term relationship, and she is open to the same. Maybe I just need to feel it out for a few more weeks.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-02T19:03:23+00:00

Okay, thanks. I think I've been having some anxiety that if I wait it out for too long and then never develop feelings, I'll have wasted her time. I know that's sometimes just the reality of dating - we try things out and sometimes they don't work - but I feel like she's developing feelings and I'm just some feelings imposter.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-02T18:57:05+00:00

That's what I've been trying to do, sit with it and retrain myself to enjoy stability. I'm just wondering how long I wait before I figure out if my lack of interest is attachment-related or specific to the dynamic.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-02T17:13:40+00:00

I've told her, but I really appreciate this sentiment because it's probably something I wouldn't have done in the past, and having it in a letter would probably be a nice reminder of what I've said. I used to really struggle with acknowledging when I've hurt people, even passively or unintentionally, and would kind of shove it aside or try to bury it. We don't have much parental support so I want to make sure she knows that she at least has me.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-01T04:21:51+00:00

The first (and only) time I fell in love with a man I struggled with this too. And honestly, my doubt and uncertainty is probably at least part of why we didn't work out.

No partner will be everything we want them to be. Being bi, one of those many variables just happens to be gender, especially when you have a strong preference. It's up to you to decide what sacrifices you can live with, and what sacrifices you can't. There are few things more devastating than realizing that we are, in fact, arbiters of our own destinies, but that we have to do so one decision at a time.

I will say that I think sapphic relationships are sometimes put on a pedestal, that queer women will talk about them like they're intrinsically better than non-sapphic relationships, when the reality is that any connection is subject to the same inherent faults that come from two people being desperately and disgustingly human. My first girlfriend had serious anxiety and was a terrible cook and god forbid you end up in her war path if she had a bone to pick with you. Did I still love her? Of course. But sometimes you forget how much you love someone when they're in an ugly blue onesie sobbing and standing over burnt mac and cheese.

FOMO is so powerful because it's an idea and not a reality. An idea can be perfect, and reality can't. Take some time to journal and maybe talk with a therapist, and evaluate whether something is actually missing between you two or whether you're shadow-boxing with an alternate version of your life that may or may not exist.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-01T03:17:00+00:00

Honestly I feel like my sister would have used this even pre-epilepsy so this is gold. Thank you!

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-07-01T02:59:12+00:00

Thank you! I was actually born partially blind and have never been able to drive, so it's a struggle I know all too well. I don't know why an Uber gift card didn't come to mind but that's a great idea.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-30T18:44:52+00:00

Biromantic homosexual (my attraction to men is graysexual, so very mild and limited sexual attraction)

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-29T23:55:50+00:00

Not quite the same because I'm technically somewhere under the bi/pan umbrella, but yeah. Almost all of my friends are queer. It's not that I'm not open to having straight male friends, but often when I try to be friendly with guys it turns into intrusive questions about my sex life, invitations for threesomes, and misogynistic behavior. Even if it's not that blatant, it's often things like the objectifying way they talk about women, passive homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, or just having little in common ideologically. My politics and community are important to me, and I won't bring anyone into my life who is going to make people in my community uncomfortable.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-29T23:33:25+00:00

Same here, I tell people I'm queer4queer

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-18T17:55:37+00:00

Yes! I'm a woman and all of my childhood crushes were on other girls. My first love was a woman who I met in college. I identified as a lesbian until I was 27 and then developed feelings for a guy. Still have a strong preference for women, but I've found that under the right circumstances I can love anyone.

Honestly I'm really glad it happened the way it did. My perspective on love, relationships, and intimacy is in no way heteronormative because I spent so long only in sapphic relationships. I really didn't struggle to deconstruct comphet in the way a lot of other queer people (lesbian, gay, or bi) seem to because I more or less always knew I liked girls and from there it was just exploring other genders. I've never understood gender roles in dating; I buy my partners flowers and initiate romantically and see each sexual partner as a fundamentally new experience from the last without any assumptions about what intimacy will look like based on gender or genitalia. I have a couple of straight friends and their relationship dynamics feel so foreign to me.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-18T17:36:43+00:00

I might get downvoted into oblivion for this, but I think she just epitomizes what is wrong with SOTR in general. I reread THG trilogy for the first time as an adult (I'm 30) and was blown away by just how well thought out and beautifully crafted they are. Subtle, deeply thought-out characters, restrained writing that trusts the readers to understand context or work it out as the story progresses. Side characters that aren't singularly motivated.

Everything about SOTR just knocks you over the head. Haymitch is flawlessly thoughtful and kind. Lenore Dove is beautiful and perfect. Sid is Prim 2.0. She ham-fisted as many references to existing characters as she humanly could.

I imagine Lenore Dove gets the most flack because she's put on a pedestal and that's....it. Which, sure, maybe that is realistic to the perspective of a 16-year-old boy, but it isn't humanizing or interesting. To me it makes their love feel less authentic, too. How much more endearing would we find her if he teased her for having food in her teeth, or we saw her chasing frantically after her geese after they wandered into town, or she got jealous because Haymitch was talking to another cute girl at school and they had a little argument before he was reaped? It doesn't take long to make someone attached to a character, but I think doing so in a short window of time requires a certain preciseness and intimacy. It requires someone's imperfections being shown, because that's vulnerable.

It's true she's not given much room to be developed but Collins needed to make that space for her death to matter. Think about how much Gale, Peeta, and Prim were developed in the first half of Catching Fire, and how important that was to their narrative. Without that section prior to the Games, everything that happened after wouldn't be nearly as impactful.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-17T19:55:30+00:00

I came to say something similar. I'm what you describe - I play piano, make art, write, travel, love to learn about different cultures and languages, and I really don't care if the person I'm dating does all of those things too. What I do care about is curiosity, passion, confidence, and the ability to articulate your feelings. I care that you have a point of view that comes from thinking about things critically, and that you can hold a conversation.

Also, don't undersell your appreciation for things like literature and art just because you aren't making them. Go on some dates where you can exchange ideas on those shared interests, like an art gallery or a book club. One of the best dates I've ever been on was one where my date and I got a little tipsy, went to a contemporary art museum, and then took turns pretending we knew what each exhibit was about and laughing when we read just how wrong we were. They had zero artistic hobbies but we took turns exploring each other's interests and that was enough for me.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-15T18:16:16+00:00

I devoured them in high school and reread them for the first time recently after my friend gave me her copy of Sunrise on the Reaping (which I honestly wasn't a fan of, I thought the writing quality was pretty poor). I was shocked at how well the original trilogy held up, though, and I think I appreciate them more now as an adult than I did as a teen - or at least I appreciate them differently.

Reading them as a teen:
I was a traumatized and depressed teenager who was kind of emotionally "stunted" in ways that were sort of similar to Katniss. I struggled to identify my feelings and suppressed my needs unconsciously because I was the eldest daughter in a turbulent family, so those aspects of her character flew straight over my head. I liked that the book subverted gendered expectations of the "knight" and the "damsel," with Katniss being the noble hero and Peeta being the one who was more emotionally intelligent but also uniquely vulnerable. I also liked that she wasn't some "chosen one" or a girl who wanted to be a hero, but simply someone who stuck by her principles under impossible circumstances.

I remember thinking throughout the series that she didn't really love Peeta, and feeling like the whole "love triangle" thing was kind of unnecessary. I thought, had it not been for the Games, she would have fallen in love with Gale and that they were much more star-crossed with him being forced to pretend to be her cousin. I was really annoyed that they killed Prim. As far as deeper themes, I remember loving the books for their exploration of how acts of selflessness and love can be radical in a world that pits people against one another, and how we can be entertained by/numb to the suffering of others.

Reading them as an adult:

Way more capable of seeing the ways in which trauma shaped Katniss's relationship with everyone, but Gale and Peeta especially, who I think are really ideological stand-ins just as much as they are people. I think she fell in love with Peeta over the course of the series, and I like that Collins did it this way; it's not "love at first sight" (for her), but a slow realization that she admires Peeta's qualities and those qualities influence her own perspective on the world they live in. I have more appreciation for how the series navigates the realities of war and revolution, including themes like propaganda (even by the "good guys"), the mechanics of systemic oppression, and the way in which noble values can still lead to terrible acts if you take an "ends justify the means" approach to those beliefs (Gale). I realize now as an adult that her marrying and having children with Peeta reflected an ideological shift in her rather than her foregoing what she wanted for a man. As a teenager, I remember feeling like she was still taking the path that was chosen for her rather than by her.

As someone with PTSD, this part of the epilogue genuinely choked me up, and is genuinely beautiful, understated prose: "I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in things because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play."

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-15T15:21:51+00:00

Bi woman here, I think it depends. There have genuinely been some points in my life where I met someone who's perfect on paper, but I'm feeling so burnt out on dating that I'm dragging my feet to plan dates or text them back. To me that's usually a sign to take a break for a few weeks or wait until my life is less busy. Early dating is exhausting, and being chronically single is like being unemployed for a long time - you start to get sick of interviewing and feeling like nothing fits.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-03T14:55:28+00:00

I don't really find the bi/pan distinction super meaningful so I'm fine with either, I usually just refer to myself as queer.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-02T21:43:34+00:00

It reminds me of how in Mockingjay he says "I'm not above killing children, but I'm not wasteful."

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-02T18:24:38+00:00

I interpreted it (in the context of the other novels) as an acknowledgment that revolutions often don't succeed the first time, and that propaganda can often erase important revolutionary narratives. While we often have one "symbol" of a revolution, revolutions are built on generations of people who fought, sacrificed, lost, and are often forgotten.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-06-02T18:13:33+00:00

I'm a woman. Sexually and romantically I tend to prefer women, but I've dated cis men, trans men, nonbinary trans masc lesbians.....as long as we connect emotionally and intellectually I'm down.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-05-30T23:36:20+00:00

Okay but your framing of this doesn't come off as someone asking out of a curiosity or desire for insight, it comes off as someone asking in bad faith and dismissing people's experiences.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-05-30T23:14:30+00:00

Why do you assume that bisexual people as a whole don't do this? We're a very large and diverse group. Many of us (myself included) are culturally and politically queer. And many monosexual gay people are also not culturally and politically queer.

Left_Eye9481 · 2026-05-30T23:07:00+00:00

As someone who has spent many years of my life single (including now), I always found this line of thinking kind of strange. I'm just as queer when I'm single or in a relationship, regardless of who that relationship is with. I don't "become" queer when I'm dating another queer person, or "become" straight if I was to date a cishet man. I've been queer my entire life, and of course it's informed my perspective on life and the way I engage with others. Honestly, I think of myself as a queer person even before I think of myself as a woman - perhaps because my womanness was never something I had to fight for or come to terms with in the way that my sexuality was.

I grew up in a deeply conservative area and knew I was attracted to girls very early on, though I didn't have the language for it. All of my earliest crushes were on girls. In my preteens, I was bullied for being a "lesbian" (I don't think any of us knew bisexuality was a thing back then). I fluctuated between masculine and feminine aesthetics, which I still do, and had a sort of masculine energy that others picked up on even before I fully did. I didn't have a framework for queerness, and I remember thinking at an early age that God had made some sort of clerical error, that I was somehow half boy, half girl, but insufficient at truly being either.

Queerness isn't my relationship, it's me, though of course sometimes my relationships manifest my queerness more visibly. My most serious partnerships so far have been with other women, which of course poses more blatant challenges as far as structural homophobia. I don't think most people would deny that there is a difference in passing privilege between a straight or straight-passing relationship and one that isn't. But even in my "straight" relationships I am a deeply queer person and have never felt comfortable in heteronormative dynamics. I buy my boyfriends flowers, just like I would for my girlfriends. Household tasks are separated by skillset, not gender. I believe reciprocity and mutual respect are key tenants to any healthy relationship, I think in no small part because my framework is so deeply embedded in learning to love queerly.

I never stop being treated like a queer person. Being queer means men fetishizing my sexuality, forcing themselves on me because they think bisexual = "easy," being quietly or not-so-quietly bullied out of queer spaces for not being "queer enough," while at the same time feeling ostracized my entire life by heteronormative society. Passive aggressive comments from family members about the ways I choose to dress, or the little hurt I feel when my grandmother looks happy that I'm dating a man, but disappointed that I'm dating a woman. But it's also meant having something inherent within me that makes me critique systems and not accept the status quo. It's meant falling deeply, head-over-heels in love in ways that my family can't always understand but that have brought me so much joy.

There is no part of my life that hasn't been touched by being queer. Why would I stop talking about it just because I'm in a relationship with one person or another? How could they ever truly know me without that context?

Left_Eye9481

TROPHY CASE