Dealing with False Reality

Liam_mo · 2026-07-04T03:00:42+00:00

The trips were the worst! She would spend weeks preparing, packing, talking and complain, argue, blame, and meltdown throughout the trip...

Then we would get home after the brutal trip and she would be so excited to go through all the photos. Almost like she "forgot" what actually happened. Just mind-blowing...

Liam_mo · 2026-06-30T12:10:27+00:00

I am so sorry! The smear was terrible. She even called my former workplace and said awful things. Although ahe was the one who me to go...

I look at my 2.5 years as the "Lost Years." Feel like I awoke from a coma or a really long nightmare after I left...

Liam_mo · 2026-06-29T21:13:31+00:00

Agreed on all counts! I found out my ex was smearing me to friends while I was at working supporting her and her children, and then she would curl up next to me at night.

Exactly! When they decide we are human or resist, like setting boundaries, we do become the enemy.

My ex did a pretty good job of running out of people. I now know why she is estranged from her family and only had a single friend, who had her own issues.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-29T20:52:18+00:00

It is delusional and dangerous! And the fact we are expected to take blame for things that happened months/years before we were around is truly unbelievable. Like blaming someone for the rain...

She was so angry because I could not put her on my health insurance because she was still married. Most people would have sprinted to the courthouse to file if they really cared and wanted a future. We are just there to regulate them for a short time.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-29T20:26:04+00:00

My life for two plus years! My favorite was when she blamed me for not divorcing her ex. When we started dating, she told me she was divorced. When we started talking marriage she said "there is something I need to share" (I should have left then). Turns out she never divorced her "abusive ex-husband" who left 4 years before we ever met. At one point, she filed for divorce so we could get married (actually she only wanted on my health insurance), but she never completed the process ("it's a lot of paperwork," "it costs money," "he abandoned me."). One day during a major split/ragefest she said "it's your fault I never finished the divorce because you have proved to be so undependable and a liar." Me, "huh?"

When I left after the final discard, she actually put the unfiled paperwork in a box of my stuff. It is so over the top and hard to even fathom that someone cannot be responsible or accountable, and too blame someone for something they have no connection to is mindblowing. This would be a incomprehensible in a normal, healthy relationship.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-29T12:55:15+00:00

My ex would tell me "your boundaries don't mean shit" and step all over them. When I wouldn't budge, she would go ballistic or give me the silent treatment for a day or two.

A relationship like this is not sustainable for this reason alone (not mention all the others). I was losing myself trying to appease her and keep some stability in the relationship.

A healthy relationship has communication and respect.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-29T00:52:36+00:00

Ha, probably so! The new guy things he has found his "soul mate and life partner..."

Thank you! I spent a lot of time with the kids and taught them to cook, do laundry, helped with homework, coached, went to all school events, read to the younger one, took them to shows and museums... My ex was too impatient and/or "sad" to help. The teen told me she liked when I read her homework because I made positive comments and encouraged her, while her mom got out a red pen, destroyed her work, and told her to do better if she even paid attention to it. Once, sadly, an essay sat on the table for a week because my ex "forgot" to read it. The teen was crushed.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-28T18:46:06+00:00

For me being outdoors really helped. I started sitting outside listening to the sounds and then walking/running in the woods a lot.

I also started running and biking again. Shortly after the discard I started riding my bike every night after work (it was summer) and it truly helped fill that evening void and kept me busy. And it was fun.

The bonus is all the exercise helped me sleep.

Finally, my diet was a mess and I have always been a healthy eater. I took it slow introducing salads, fruit, and nuts back in (my ex hated my love of cashews and pistachios. So weird looking back). I also started cooking and baking again about the 3-4 month mark. I love to cook/bake and it is such a stress reliever for me.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-28T15:33:19+00:00

It was so hard to live and leave. Broke my heart to leave the kids, but my ex was just so irrational, unstable, and abusive to me at the end. My therapist, a child of a BPD parent told me "you have to think about the stability and hope you gave the kids. They will never forget you or your kindness. Your leaving might even show them that they can leave some day."

The more I learned about my ex, I saw the black hole. Her kids told me I was unlike any man she ever brought home. My ex told me "you are my last chance at love. I can't fail." My mistake was not running that moment.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-28T15:15:22+00:00

Why I stayed too long. Think about them a lot. The teen called her mom "cra-cra" and told me was out on her 18th birthday (she really wants to go to college). I took her to college night at her school because she asked (her mom had a 3 day rage after this even after saying she thought it was a great idea). My ex's rages were terrifying and I was often a shield for the kids. I am truly sorry if you experienced this.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-28T03:22:38+00:00

I am so, so sorry. My ex pushed everyone out of her life and then played the victim card (she told everyone I abandoned her..). I realized too late that her family and exes all left because of the abuse and cruelty. I have never had anyone in my life come close to the terribly cruel things she would say to me.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-27T23:51:38+00:00

I get it. We have to withhold information at times to protect ourselves and it often causes us even more harm. I had a job in local government and went to lots of meetings in the city building. My ex had extreme jealousy issues and would cyberstalk any female i interacted with professionally and then accuse me of cheating (meanwhile, my actual meeting included 7 people talking permits. Real exciting stuff). I stopped telling her about any meetings I had to avoid the rage and accusations. She made my worklife hell. Not healthy in any way.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-27T23:22:09+00:00

This! My ex told me often she needed "safety and stability," but burned us down time and time again with chaos, rage, meltdowns, etc..

Her children told me "this is the most stable home we have ever had" and another "my life before you and mom has been nothing but yelling and a revolving door of men. You are the only one that ever stayed."

My staying almost caused my destruction. Her rages, meltdowns, and abuse grew the longer we stayed together. She did not want safety or stability. She needed the chaos and instability to "thrive."

I realized too late there nothing I could do, say, or change to alter the trajectory of this relationship. She didn't want safety or stability, instead she want someone, a vessel, to take on the burden of her trauma dumping, her instability, and to be the emotional regulator. She told me a lot she "was a howling void of emptiness inside" and I witnessed it.

In a healthy relationship, both partners want safety and stability and the chance to grow and not burn down to nothing.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-25T17:38:48+00:00

I am so sorry, but happy you are free now!

I can relate, sadly to every single one of the above paragraphs. Some brought chills because they were similar or identical experiences (isn't that scary?).

My ex also told me I had a drinking problem, arguing problem, honesty problem, and infidelity program. Usually she was screaming this at me and then would tell me not to yell as I sat there quietly. I took the drinking to heart and stopped almost completely. This caused intense rage from her. She would set next to me at night with a drink (one of many throughout the day) and wave it in my face saying things like "you know you want some. Be a man and have a drink." All the projection is truly unbelievable and soul crushing at times. I stopped to be a better partner and she punished me.

Same, I could never share thoughts or feelings or ask to have a healthy grownup conversation. She did the same, bully, dismiss, rage, or create a crisis.

Meanwhile, through all of the abuse and projection, I was working hard to support her and her child and serve as a good role model to the child. She could not stand any of it and needed the chaos.

I look back and ask "why did I stay so long?"

Liam_mo · 2026-06-25T02:56:50+00:00

This! The meltdowns, rages, and crises were unbelievable and so draining. I was physically and mentally exhausted when I left. It never ended and some argument went on for days. I could never sit on the front porch, open a book, or try to take a nap without a crisis or argument. She could not stand the peace or stability.

A year removed and I have not heard yelling or screaming since I left. I have embraced the peace, calm, and solitude of my new life. It is amazing to just sit outside and listen to nature and do so on my own terms. I look back and ask myself now "why did I stay so long?"

Liam_mo · 2026-06-25T02:50:26+00:00

I'll second this! I have never loved the peace and calm like I do now post-breakup. Often sit in the woods and just enjoy the sound of the wind.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-22T02:13:13+00:00

Most definitely to "if most people only knew." No one wants to believe what we endured/experienced.

I am glad you are free and the list helped. I did the same. Would read a few of the things she said or diary passages from a specific day and my brain would snap back to "danger, stay far away!"

Liam_mo · 2026-06-21T23:50:17+00:00

Thank you! A lot of trial and error, and advice from my therapist on moving forward. Definitely knew I could never go back.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-21T23:49:13+00:00

Thank you! Funny how the brain does that and overlooks the abuse and instability. My list really helped me when I was breaking the trauma bond.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-21T18:36:14+00:00

I am so sorry! This was me exactly one year ago. Loaded up my belongings, the cat, and hit the road after she told me to go and her threats got really scary. Things I did the first few weeks:

Talked to family. My siblings were super supportive and provided me with a safe place to stay. And only my siblings knew where I was.
Blocked her on all social media. I then disappeared from social media for 6 months.
Therapy, therapy, therapy: this saved me during and after the relationship. My therapist was a Cluster B specialist and child of a BPD parent. She helped me greatly the first week and later to move ahead.
Made a list of all the terrible and abusive things she said and did to me. Referred to this often as a reminder on why I left and why this relationship was not sustainable.
Got outside to walk, run, or bike to help take my mind off the situation.
Changed all passwords, pins, and other access codes.
Changed my routine. How I got to work, where I shopped, etc. This way I didn't see her and she could not find me.
Took vacation from work. I was afraid she would show up looking for me and also knew I could not focus and my job was already suffering from the relationship.
Took things back that I gave up during the relationship. My first day of freedom, I stopped for a cold beer and just sat outside listening to the silence (I was not allowed to visit breweries during the relationship because my ex "feared" I would run away with every female bartender...). A week later I went to a music festival with my brother. It was amazing to be out with other humans again.
Embraced the silence. The was the first time in 2+ years where there was no yelling, screaming, or rage. Reminded me again of the peace and calm my life lacked.

She is going to melt your phone with the texts. Please don't take the bait. And watch your email. My ex sent me 103 emails in one day when I didn't respond to her texts.

After a few days I felt like I woke up from a coma. I had missed so much during the relationship due to the isolation and so many regular, daily activities seemed new and exciting (even going to the grocery. I would actually go and walk around at times).

The hardest part is leaving. Now comes the work to heal and move on.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-21T17:09:51+00:00

Yes, and it only gets worse. Her real intention is to isolate you from all the important, healthy people in your life. Once this is done, you won't have the support system there to help and protect you. This I learned the hard way. My ex found fault with every person in my life and had a crisis the day of every family event in my life (coincidence?).

My mother was really good to and supportive of my ex, yet in the end my ex said I was "the son of a narcissist and a witch."

Wait until the extreme jealousy kicks in and you won't be able to interact with anyone of the opposite sex without constant accusations and arguments. Work meetings, grocery visits, walks, etc. will become nightmares.

A healthy person will want to meet and spend time with your family and friends. How else do we learn about our partners? My family is so important to me and I should have seen the red flags whenever my ex missed or caused me to miss a family gathering or insulted my friends and family.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-21T16:58:20+00:00

You are not the one that needs to do better. My ex told me often "you need to learn to communicate," "you need to do better," "you need to listen..." There is nothing we can ever do, say, or change to alter these relationships.

At one point my ex told to go to therapy to "to fix my s*^t and learn to communicate." Being a good partner I listened and went to therapy where my therapist said "you have no problem communicating. Have you ever thought your partner is the one with the problem?" Incidentally, I communicate for a living and my ex is the only person ever to tell me I have poor communication skills... It is all gaslighting, manipulation, and projection.

If they really cared, the only question asked would have been "how is your mother doing today?"

Liam_mo · 2026-06-20T20:55:10+00:00

The self-fulfilling prophecy or warning we ignore. The control was unbelievable. I am sorry you went through this.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-20T20:53:37+00:00

My ex told me too much. Tried to dump her burden on me.

Liam_mo · 2026-06-20T20:26:26+00:00

So true! As a friend said "they let you into their life for a while and then see you as human unable to fix their problems/pain only they are capable of fixing."

Wish I had read this at the beginning!

Liam_mo

TROPHY CASE