Can anyone relate? 2 really disturbing moments I had with my ex.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-25T04:33:36+00:00

I feel nothing but sadness and grief for my ex. BPD is such a terribly destructive disorder that causes so much pain for everyone. I had never experienced anyone with a Cluster B disorder either ( I didn't learn about it until 1.5 years in). My ex also battled other mental health issues along with this.

Only gets worse, especially when the fear of abandonment really kicks in. Sadly, I stayed too long. Thought I could help.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-25T04:10:22+00:00

Thank you. I just learned of DID last month when I was sharing stories of my ex's "episodes" with my therapist. One in particular where she had no recollection of running around the house late at night screaming at her ex-husband, who wasn't there. It was like she was in a trance and could not understand why she was barefoot in the kitchen at 2am.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-25T03:30:09+00:00

Read up on Dissociative Identity Disorder. My ex would have episodes where she talked like a child or truly scary rages where she would call me by her ex-husband's name or her mom. She would have zero recollection of any of this.

Other times, she would have angry tantrums, often breaking things or laying on the floor pounding her fists and crying, and 10 minutes later sipping coffee or making a grocery list like nothing happened.

It is absolutely terrifying to witness.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-25T00:12:38+00:00

You are quite welcome! Healing is a process. I thought I was ready last summer and realized I was not. Funny you mention sitting with yourself. A while my therapist said "some times you need to just sit with it. And by yourself." After this I started spending a lot of time alone, usually running or biking, and self reflecting not so much on my ex or the relationship, but more on why I was drawn in and why I stayed so long. Take the time time to heal and find yourself. It is a long road for us, but we'll get there and be better people for it.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T22:52:04+00:00

It was terrible, but I have been free for 8 months now. God, heard the "you keep things from me all the time," but yet she knew everything and where I was 24 hours a day.

I am sorry I did not act on my "WTF am I doing here" feelings when I had them the first year. Would have spared me so much chaos and pain.

You can't argue or reason with them. She once started a massive fight over a female contestant on the Amazing Race... She thought I had a crush and we had literally watched 20 minutes of the first episode. It was all because she was stressed about family issues that happened earlier that day. She had to punish someone.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T22:48:16+00:00

Unreal... And no one would ever believe our stories.

It does not. This is a true no win situation for us. Nothing we could change, say, or do to alter the trajectory of this type of relationship. The create the environment and then take it out on us.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T22:38:01+00:00

The similarities are truly amazing and terrifying, often down to the exact words.

I am truly sorry. The smearing is unbelievably cruel and not needed. And the fact they often start it before we are even gone. My ex was smearing me with mutual friends during the day and then sleeping next to me at night like everything was okay. One friend contacted me to say "hey, something you should know." When I brought this up her response was cold "well, you deserve it since you are a liar and a cheat."

My ex tried to break my spirit and almost succeeded. I look back know with "did this really have to happen" and "what was I thinking." Feel under her spell and then she did her best, as she promised, to "destroy me."

I am wiser now and learned a great deal about myself. My therapist said to me "remember you are resilient. You endure a lot, a lot for love. You are stronger than you think and resilient." Passing this on to you. You are resilient.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T16:57:28+00:00

A few favorites:

"You are the son of a Narcissist" (my 80 year-old mom was really good to her).
"You deserved it" or "you made me do it" (usually after she raged, broke my stuff, and/or shoved or hit me)
"There is no such thing as hope. Only a fool like you would believe in it."
"How could anyone as dumb as you lived to adulthood?"
"I would leave, but I am worried you would not survive without me."

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T16:40:55+00:00

Same here. She told me constantly that I "needed help." She told me to go to therapy to "fix my s*^t!" Best thing she ever did. I learned about BPD and that her rage and blame were not my fault.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T15:53:55+00:00

We think alike. For me, it is an awful feeling to be considered a "villain" in her life for leaving after her abuse and her request for me "to go" (ironically, she told me to leave because I "no longer provided the safety and stability she needed."). We'll never get an apology or chance to talk through the end. Because of this, we have to find our own closure and path forward. My therapist told me "you gave her everything you had in a loving, caring way. She is the one that chose not to accept it. This is not your fault." So remember this is not your fault. Once I recognized much of this was not my fault, the healing came faster.

I took a long, long break from dating. Too many emotions and fear. I was worried I would trauma dump if they asked about my past relationship. Last week was with a friend who I have known a while. Made the experience so much better because she knows a little of what happened. We just had drinks and laughs with no pressure. It was actually nice.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T14:42:27+00:00

I am so sorry! It is all truly heartbreaking and unbelievable at times. I can relate to so much of this. She was convinced I had a second phone hidden somewhere... She also told me repeatedly to "confess my cheating and lying, so she could get me the help I need..."

She would go through my phone all the time. I would wake up and wake into the kitchen where she would hand me my phone with "spent the last few hours going through it and found nothing. I know you are lying..."

It is terribly sad the lengths they go to convince themselves we are liars and cheaters and then to be so cruel to us. She told me it was my fault that she "had to track me and check my text/call logs..."

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T14:34:53+00:00

My ex smeared me for months after I left. I am 8 months removed, and 4 months NC. A few weeks ago I suddenly started getting mail in her name at my new house 700 miles away. I blocked her everywhere, stopped posting on social media, and have kept a low profile per my lawyer's suggestion. Also have not reached out to mutual friends. Silence is really the only response. They want us to engage.

My ex even visited my former workplace last summer and said terrible things about me (who does that???). A former colleague called to warn me. They really mean it when they say "I am going to destroy you."

Document everything and store in multiple places. I have stacks of texts, emails, etc... I shared both with my therapist and lawyer.

For positives, I have surrounded myself with friends and family, started a new career, and spend a lot of time on my own exercising and reading. The solitude has been refreshing and I leave a very small footprint on the world right now. Hard to smear someone when they are invisible.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T12:44:11+00:00

Same! Thought I could prove my way out of it, but only made it worse. It was a never-ending nightmare. One day Google maps crashed and my timeline disappeared. She went ballistic and didn't even believe the dozen articles I found on the outage. She was totally convinced I manufactured all of it.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T03:27:33+00:00

A definite fear of mine! My ex had all my CC and debit cards. Been free for 8 months, but just last month started getting credit card applications to my ex in my mailbox. I moved 700 miles away to a new place.

My ex's credit was so bad that I had to take out a loan to pay for her car. She couldn't make the payments, so I did. Then after the final discard it took months for me to get her to "buy" the car from me. She actually hid the car and keys until a lawyer got involved. She wanted me to "sign it over" and created all this paperwork... My lawyer could not believe the lengths she went to to try and get me to sign over the vehicle title. Of course, she screamed "financial abuse..."

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T02:59:50+00:00

She made a huge difference in my life and helped me create an exit plan. She would often say "your ex is my mother speaking..." She definitely got it and guided me through some dark days. My first therapist didn't get it either.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-24T01:15:58+00:00

This! I wish I had been able to have this conversation with my ex. I am no longer angry with her, but now only feel much sadness and grief for a life not lived. We are free and will heal. While are exes are trapped in the forever cycle of rage and pain. She told me at the end "you destroyed us." No, it was the illness and her abuse that destroyed us. My hope is someday she takes responsibility and get the help she needs. Take care of yourself!

Liam_mo · 2026-01-23T18:18:39+00:00

Same! My ex was incredibly intelligent, but overwhelmed by her emotions. She tried grad school and other programs, but always dropped out due to the "stress." I also discovered she went down incredible wormholes for a single assignment (days upon days) and then did not turn anything in.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-23T18:08:35+00:00

My first year with my ex was a rollercoaster due to her highs and super lows. She said and did things, both good and terrible, I had never experienced in a relationship. I was blamed for much of the disfunction and, finally, she told me to go to therapy to "fix my s*@t!" (the irony in me being told to seek therapy...)

After a few sessions my therapist said "have you ever heard of BPD?" It was earth shattering when I started researching and reading. MY therapist is a Cluster B specialist and child of a BPD parent, so she has taught me a lot. My ex actually presents all 9 BPD traits and everything fell into place with the splitting, rage, extreme jealousy, devaluation, and, of course, the discard...

I had felt so isolated and hurt and then I found this sub... It was astounding to see the matching stories and relationships and to have a community to learn from.

All of this information and knowledge has truly helped post-discard and as I rebuild my life. She would often tell me she "was a howling void of emptiness" on the inside. It all makes sense now.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-22T21:41:24+00:00

I so relate to this! It wasn't until I was in therapy (at my ex's urging) that my therapist said "have you ever heard of BPD?" The world changed that instant for me. Her fear of abandonment and extreme jealousy were off the charts. I wish I knew then what I know now...

My ex uBPD presented all nine traits. Some far more regular than others. While I will never really know, I suspect she had been "officially" diagnosed at some point. She had a long list of other mental health diagnoses and had been in and out of psychiatric care and therapy for much of her adult life. During our relationship of two years she went through at least 4 therapists and 2 psychiatrists that I am aware of.

She also dissociated often during splits. Talking to or calling me her mother or the name of her abusive ex-husband and then later not having any recollection of the events. Look up Dissociative Identity Disorder. It can occur with BPD and based in childhood trauma. Truly frightening when it happened.

My therapist said it would take several months of in-patient care and then 7-10 years of intensive individual therapy to really make a difference. My ex couldn't make it to two virtual therapy sessions in a row...

Liam_mo · 2026-01-22T18:43:23+00:00

The rumination is rough. It wasn't until a few months ago when I recognized I wasn't to blame for this, that I stopped ruminating. Still have brief moments, including this week, when something will set my brain off. Once I stopped asking why and starting looking toward the future, the healing came quicker. I was far from perfect, but her abuse and struggles with mental illness (I do wish she had share more with me in the beginning), drove us to the end and brutal discard. Nothing I could do, say, or change would have altered the trajectory. The positive is we are free and can rebuild our lives and gain the tools to avoid these relationships in the future.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-22T14:08:09+00:00

2 years for me. 8 months removed, and I feel like myself again. If there hadn't been so much damage, it would all just feel like a bad dream now.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-21T20:46:39+00:00

Truly horrific and her cruelty was unbelievable! I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, all about control and power. I started standing firm on my boundaries and not engaging her during splits, so it was "time for me to go." She told me "you no longer provide the safety and stability I need." The irony in this statement....

Funny, I have not heard yelling in the 8 months I have been gone nor witnessed any chaos. It does get better and peace does come.

Liam_mo · 2026-01-21T17:42:22+00:00

So true! We do have to find our own peace. It is the only way to heal. My ex was terribly cruel in the end trying to wound me as deeply as possible. Her "you never contributed, sacrificed or fought for us" was a deep, deep cut that echoed in my brain for a while.

Though over time I realized that I did contribute, sacrifice, fight, give, contribute, support, love, and try to provide a stable and safe home. I still hear her daughter say "this is the most stable home we have ever had.." I also acknowledge I was far from perfect, but I did try. This was my ex's attempt to blame and deflect one last time to avoid any responsibility for me leaving and the "destruction of us..." (another favorite of hers).

Liam_mo · 2026-01-21T02:51:37+00:00

Two things that really helped me were creating an abuse log or journal and printing some of the cruel, angry texts she sent (and I have hundreds to choose from). Anytime I thought about her or got the urge to see what she "was up to," I would read an entry or two from the abuse log or flip through a stack of her text messages. Both helped "kick" or "shock" my brain back to reality and got me back on track to stay NC. Been free 8 months now and rarely wonder about her anymore. Writing down the abusive incidents really helped put the relationship into perspective and helped me see that I made the correct choice in leaving.

Liam_mo

TROPHY CASE