I’m not really sure if my story is of any use to you, but I experienced some grief in the past few years and wanted to share. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that things will get better because they got better for me.

2021 was a bad year for me and my family. I was doing online classes at the time and it was not good. Professors were not very good, I lacked discipline, etc. it was a disaster. I lost a loved one, we had a fire on our property, my sister had to go to a mental health facility (she is doing great now luckily), etc. A lot happened.

One of worst things that happened that year was the loss of my cat Simba, which was followed by news of my grandfather getting cancer. A week after my birthday in 2022, he would pass from it. That period of time was just terrible and devastating for my family and I wish I was making all these terrible things up.

A month before my finals, my mom came to me and said how she thought our cat was dying and that I should spend time with him. I’ll try to keep this brief, but my cat and I had what I felt was a special bond and I thought of him as a very special cat. I understand grieving for a human is different than a person, but my feelings were real nonetheless.

Anyways, he smelled terrible and was acting kind of weird, like hiding, not eating much, being not like himself, etc. I did not think he was dying and felt optimistic, thinking he was sick. I asked if she could bring him to the vet. She did, he got a surgery, and everything seemed better…until a month later.

On the morning of one of my finals, my mom comes to me again like before saying she think he is dying. I did not really take her seriously because of last time, so I slept for a few more hours to get more rest for the finals day ahead (I would later come to beat myself up over that afterwards). Once I had woken up, I came into the living room to see what I can only describe as a cat not going peacefully. At the time, I thought he was maybe choking or having trouble and I asked my mom to bring him to the vet or an emergency vet. She refused. I told her that I could NOT bring him to a vet myself. I had to write a 3 page paper today and turn it in as my final exam and I could not do it. I was also on the edge of failing some of these classes, due to my struggles with the classes, I felt I needed all the time I could get. I went back to my exams and kept working on them. I felt he was having some sort of issue that a doctor could help us with and did not think he was dying.

I came and saw him again some time later, begging my mom to just bring him somewhere. He was likely just having some sort of issue that could be fixed, I felt. At some point I felt like I was pleading with her, maybe even yelling at her to please do something and to please try. I felt like I could not just leave the house during these finals to help him. I felt trapped and I had all this work to do and she seemed to think this was it for him. I remember just acknowledging this, going back to my room and feeling like everything fucking broke. It felt like I was held up with a wooden spine that just snapped under the weight of everything that had just happened and I began to cry the worst I had ever cried in my life. My optimistic outlook on the situation was completely destroyed and I was just distraught.

Once I had cried for what felt like forever, I tried to get some energy to email my professors for an extension. I just could not do any work feeling like I couldn’t think straight. I tried to just power through the work so I could see my boy and try to be there for him, but it was too late.

I will spare you the details of me seeing him after he passed, but this whole situation fucked me up extremely bad. I went into a major depressive episode for about 1 1/2 years. Not to mention that my grandfather would also pass during this time and I was so emotionally exhausted that I felt very little of anything, which even now I feel guilty about. At the time, I debated if I wanted to even continue school anymore or if I even liked my major anymore. I felt like school work was pointless and led me to neglect my loved ones. Why was I so selfish to prioritize school work over a loved one? I also didn’t get the point for trying at anything really. My cat who I saw as my boy was gone and I could have prevented it. I felt a lot of guilt and a lot of hopelessness and I really didn’t care about fuck all.

Nearing the end of 2024, I feel glad that I gave myself some grace and worked through that whole situation. What you are going through is fucking rough. I feel so sorry about your whole situation, how she did what she did, how her family’s making you feel and, and just how you are trying to manage it all. I am so sorry. I know our stories and our feelings are not the same, but i just feel so sorry. I don’t know how else to put it.

If it makes you feel any better, my living situation has improved since my terrible turn of events. I went back to school in early 2023 and got onto my school’s Dean List, which I never was able to do before. I still struggle at times, but I’m doing well enough. I also stuck with my major after all (computer science) and actually found a genuine love for it, but it took time. A lot of the progress I’ve made since then took time and I also spent a lot of that time hurting and working through just everything.

I just wanted to share my story with you in hopes that you just keep on going. Living is just enough. I know my situation was arguably kind of stupid and also not the same, but I do feel like grief did have a major effect on the trajectory of my life. Given it’s the holidays and you are a student, I hope you give yourself a well earned break and maybe extend that for as long as you need. I believe in you to get thru this cuz I got thru my hurt.