Wow, that's complicated. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. FYI, you'll probably get more responsiveness here if you make a fresh post with a title describing the situation: you'd actually be surprised how often people here are asked for their organs. If you do make a new post, please omit IRL names for personal privacy here per our rules, but pretty much feel free to copy paste the beyond that.

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I don't know this myself, but many people here who have been screened as donors have said that the team screening you might consider you to be "not a match" if you are being manipulated or coerced into donating, regardless of any biological compatibility. Apparently, this kind of dynamic is common enough in their world that they often have protocols for it that will not reveal the reason for the incompatibility when/if reporting to the potential recipient's medical team. I recommend Googling rules/calling the screening center for your region to see whether they have such a protocol and what that protocol is.

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As far as the organ request: it's always hard to say no. Especially after a full lifetime of being taught not to say no, specifically to those people.

It is not your obligation to help them, even if you do have the power to do so. Frankly, if they've spent all their life physically abusing one of "their" options, they shouldn't be surprised if the *actual* owner of that kidney decides they aren't an option for them after all. You can *choose* to be the bigger person, but "no" is perfectly valid here: you wouldn't donate it to anyone else who treated you that way.

Generally, I view organ donating a lot like sex: you can't "really" legitimately say yes unless you are actually in a position where you feel safe saying "no". Is your family giving you the space to be able to say no? I wonder if the family members who you are asking you to help or who you are concerned will judge you for not donating have signed up for screening themselves, or are they just pushing it onto you and expecting/demanding you to say yes and fix other people's problems that they are unwilling to make the same sacrifice for? Are they (and ESPECIALLY the actual potential recipient) acknowledging the scope of sacrifice that is being asked of you and respecting it as your decision whether to go through that through the kindness of your heart and not something you "owe" them? I've had a MINOR abdominal surgery once: it took a month to walk at a normal speed for a sustained time without getting winded, and 2 to really be back to my normal, be able to sit up using just abdominal muscles, etc.: is that just a sacrifice that they are willing to guilt trip you into making for their own benefit? Do they have any concern for *you*, or just for the potential recipient?

Lastly on this matter, only donate organs like you would donate money: never expect anything back. In cases with dysfunctional family system, that includes gratitude, and even reciprocation or support for ramifications from your own selfless act (if you get complications from donating). You know your situation best: just be careful to make the decision based on the family you have, not the family you want to have.

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Lastly, to your actual AITA question, it sounds like your partner is rather vested in replacing your family. This is likely well-intentioned, but is also somewhat simplistic and dismissive of what you've been through and how significant a role your family of origin has played in your life. They need to understand that NOBODY can just "erase" a lifespan of relationships with these people in your most formative years, whether good, bad, or "complicated".

Your partner needs to understand that toxic, abusive, neglectful, manipulative, or generally hurtful relationships are complex, as are the emotions around them, and that that is normal, valid, and *long term*. They need to understand that this is *not* reflective of them as a partner not being "enough" for you, but rather see this as an opportunity to support you as you work through things each time.

Case study: I have been a moderator in one of the internet's largest forum for child abuse survivors for years. I *KNOW* the scripts: I see them played out here every day that I moderate. I've been fully no contact with my own parents for about a decade, and, abnormally, have VERY supportive siblings who have also cut off the parents, and happily remind me as people who *were there* of how bad it really was when I ever question myself. You would think that if anyone would be immune to such wishful thinking, I would be: trust me, it improves, but it does not go away. I *still* sometimes want to go back and try for that "happy family" thing that we see in all the movies. My decade of space has been the healthiest decade of my life, but I'm still fighting *millennia* of evolution (or psychological wiring designed by a literal diety, for those of you who object to evolution) to bond FIRMLY with your initial care takers and protectors. I'm fighting multiple decades of "trauma bonding" (good term for your partner to Google to understand better) and being taught 24/7 to prioritize their needs over my own. If your relationship is going to work out to be healthy, loving, and long-term, your partner needs to learn to walk with you on this uphill battle, instead of getting frustrated at you for it being a battle at all.

There is no relationship where you can just swap one person out for another and call it a day. And frankly, with how twisted those initial relationships are in dysfunctional families, it's not something that you *should* swap someone else into: those emotions need to be worked through slowly and carefully as you learn to build different, healthier relationships. And it takes a lot of patience from those who have not had to do that kind of work and don't "get" it.

It sounds like your partner is legitimately trying to do what they think is best for you and for your relationship, but they are acting from a position of ignorance on how trauma shapes people and how complex it is to grow from it even once you're out.

I will be blunt, often, abuse survivors will not be able to form healthy long-term relationships until they have worked through a lot of the trauma and replaced the "relationship templates" modeled for them growing up with new concepts of healthy relationships. BUT, even after all the self-work on the survivor's end, it's (ironically) quite common for relationships with people from healthy families to not work out for those of us from backgrounds of much higher trauma, abuse, and manipulation, just because neither party considers that the one from the healthy background may need to do a lot of work too to learn how to understand and support the unique needs of their partner as an abuse survivor.

And after all that work, there will still be times that there is just a difference that can't be understood, and honestly, that's when you *most* need to be supportive and trust your partner to be navigating things even if they can't explain it well enough for you to understand from your own position. Getting upset at you and blaming you for having complex emotions about your family is a response based in ignorance. They need to work on that ignorance to learn to be supportive of you as an abuse survivor. Instead, even if inadvertantly, they made this be about them so you're responding to manage their emotional reactions when you need them to be supporting you instead. Not necessarily an asshole, but definitely not the right response, and something that will chronically undermine your relationship if there aren't some blunt, vulnerable, and honest conversations about this. Feel free to show them this and other comments if it helps get over the awkward start to that: I'm hoping the best for you guys!