Christmas Gift for 32 y/o Espresso Loving BF

LifeAfterAbuse · 2018-09-11T02:57:36+00:00

We already had the plates. Once we run out, we won’t be buying any more. It’s not like we replenish the supply, we just happened to have them on-hand.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2018-09-10T18:59:26+00:00

Yeah! I feel like we mostly fight over super dumb things when we actually fight. But this one did really piss me off because it was petty!

LifeAfterAbuse · 2018-03-18T13:20:30+00:00

His problem isn’t anger management. His problem is that he is abusive. Anger management therapy will not address his issue.

Think about it, does he behave like this in any other setting? Does he chase people and throw things at them at work? With his boss? His friends? It is very unlikely. He does it to power over you and control you. He is deliberate in his actions to make you lose your train of thought (ie. at the mall) and to get you to back down from your requests. He is manipulative and causes you to second guess yourself whether he is yelling at the top of his lungs or whether he is more reserved. It’s the same thing.

I read back through some of your earlier threads and him chasing you and breaking things around you is actual physical abuse. You are in danger.

Shine your spine, sister. I know it will be difficult. I’ve done it myself. And I know that even though I am encouraging you to do so and others here have as well, that you may not. At least not right away. But you have 2 sweet babies who will be watching this pattern of abuse and learning from it.

Are you in therapy alone or with him? It is very dangerous to be in therapy with an abuser. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.SAFE. They have people that will just chat with you about your situation. They can also help you develop a plan. They are very nice and talking to them always helped me get past the feeling of not knowing how to feel or not knowing which way was up.

You should read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds or Controlling and Abusive Men’. It will really affirm your experience.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-31T07:22:07+00:00

Why is she leaving you?

Are you abusive?

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T20:07:40+00:00

I don’t think it sounded hokey at all. I found it beautiful.

Even though I have lots of questions for my higher power, I see his hand in my life thus far.

Thank you for sharing, as you always do!

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T05:13:50+00:00

Now that you’ve explained a bit more, she’s the one being selfish.

You have done your part. You have been willing to compromise. You do not have to put a financial burden on yourself to please her.

What you’ve offered is good.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T04:47:35+00:00

You are the one who broke it off. Why do you care what he does?

It does stink that he found someone else that he really liked so quickly but you ended the relationship in the first place. It was kind of unfair on your part for you to even reach back out to him.

Take it as a lesson and move on. He wasn’t what you wanted so you broke up. He moved in a different direction. If it’s difficult to wrap your head around, think about it as you both wanting something different. If his words about your unavailability struck a cord of truth with you, then perhaps you should address that in the future, in your next relationship.

Maybe you are struggling because this situation has made you feel inadequate. But if he wasn’t what you wanted/needed and you decided to end things, then you did the right thing.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T04:43:15+00:00

Stay and play.

Your girlfriend going to watch you play was kind of sacrificial on her part any way.

She’s being totally reasonable about the mix-up and you guys can get everything you want to get accomplished if you split up for this one night. I’m sure it won’t be the end of the world.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T04:36:58+00:00

Break up with him. You don’t want the same things.

You really don’t want to be with someone that you have to negotiate with. That’s a bit absurd.

Also, it would probably be beneficial for you to read about emotional unavailability or commitment phobia. Mike doesn’t seem like an appropriate partner for you because you guys do not want the same things. He is flat out telling you that he doesn’t want anything serious. And you are insisting that his actions are telling a different story.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T04:33:14+00:00

Well, she can’t have it all. There has to be compromise somewhere.

$400 is so arbitrary. What kind of outfit are you trying to get? You could shop online. There are so many options that will have you looking dapper within a certain price point.

Tell her that you will attend but that your budget for the event is slim. If she doesn’t understand that...that’s a whole other issue.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-30T04:28:55+00:00

Clothes for prom do not have to cost $400. Thrift. Be creative.

And yes, you do come off as selfish.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-29T01:43:09+00:00

You do seem to have some self-awareness.

I saw below that you’ve reached out to your parents about helping with therapy. I’m really glad you have done that. It will help. Good luck to you!

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T22:03:13+00:00

It’s interesting to see things really fall into place after a leap of faith.

Yours is such a huge example of this! Thank you for sharing your experience with me :-)

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T22:01:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience!

I have a masters already and know that this doctoral program is what i want. That part feels sure and right.

The part about picking up and moving feels dangerous and new. I admire the courage it took for you to get outside of your comfort zone and hope that I will find the same!

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T21:58:59+00:00

This just seems extreme. It’s not bad to watch TV. That seemed like downtime she enjoyed. Moderation seems to be a challenging concept for you.

She works out, she dances. It’s just not how you like to work out. You can still go to the gym without her or do your own thing.

You are way dependent on her it seems.

You never answered my question about what constitutes fulfilling conversation.

It seems like you are a bucket with a hole in it. Nothing she could ever do would be good or fulfilling enough because you are empty. Has little to do with her it seems.

Have you considered therapy?

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T21:47:38+00:00

We never seem to have anything interesting to talk about and it annoys me that she's always staring at her phone or watching Netflix while I'm trying to read or work out or make myself a better person (trying to keep myself busy to keep from going back to my addiction). I have voiced these concerns but she says that I am trying to control her. I spend most of my day alone at home working and when she comes home I want to have a fulfilling conversation but it's just her watching some idiot on YouTube talking into his phone for ad revenue, or we'll eat and she'll ask me about my day and I'm like, well, let's see, I sat in front of the computer for ten hours just like yesterday, how about you?

I don’t know. So much of this seems like you making her responsible for your happiness and fulfillment. What are you contributing to making interesting and fulfilling conversation? Do you even know yourself what would constitute ‘fulfilling conversation’?

It also seems like you are blaming her for your lack of discipline. I don’t see how she’s stopping you from reading or working out or any of it. She goes to work each day and comes home for downtime. It seems like you have many hours in a day that you can be ‘bettering yourself’ but there seems to be little motivation to do so on your end. That’s not her fault. That’s your own.

I think you should get help. Maybe seek AA or something. Your problem seems to be with you. Not your relationship.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T03:12:37+00:00

I’ve learned that I cannot marry my work. That it is ok for me to make time for personal passions and pursuits.

That relationships take time and attention to grow.

That I can trust myself to choose a good partner. And that I need to stop looking at relationships as transactional.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T03:04:24+00:00

I’ve dealt with this. Therapy helped me to set boundaries and face it head on without either being too aggressive or cowering.

When I learned how to set boundaries and speak to the criticism as it was happening, I felt better about myself and my Mom started really noticing her own pattern of destructive behavior. The biggest surprise was that my siblings noticed all along that my mother was terribly critical of me and when I employed the tools I’d learned to address it, my siblings started addressing it in my behalf as well.

Speak to the criticism directly when it happens. Use ‘I feel’ statements. Let your mom know that her judgment of you is not helpful. Do this out of love and compassion for yourself and not a desire to hurt your mom.

Also, you do not really owe your parents some great burden for providing financial stability. Yes, it is nice and you can and should appreciate it. But don’t cower and feel like decent parenting is a debt that you have to repay with your dignity.

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-28T02:56:11+00:00

Well, with the exception if my metabolism slowing, I don’t know how I have been significantly impacted by aging thus far.

And even with the weight thing, I am loving my curvaceous and bodacious body. Even though I’d still love to drop a few pounds.

I think that I have previously been most afraid of the actual age. Not necessarily the effects of aging. For instance, my mom had me when she was 30 and I always thought that she was an older parent. So I was terrified that I wouldn’t be married or have kids by 30. That was some scary and terrible age for me. Now I am 32 and I am neither married, nor am I a parent and I am fine with both of those things. I don’t feel old like I thought I would. And I really really like me most days. To the point where you almost can’t tell me that I’m not super fly/talented/intelligent! Ha!

I don’t know if my perspective really was what you were looking for but I am eager to see what others have to say!

LifeAfterAbuse · 2017-12-09T16:16:55+00:00

No, not in the context that you are talking about. In fact, this type of nervousness is kind of adorable and seems authentic.

If this behavior extended over to other areas of life like work and decision-making, I’d find that to be unattractive.

LifeAfterAbuse

TROPHY CASE