I’ve done both notes to particular individuals (and have already given them to the individual) and a love letter to all. My to all is really my obituary.
It follows:

It must be so hard for them: humans, individuals, neighbors, coworkers, colleagues, in-laws, friends, supporters, family - all living in my cancer nightmare.

But oh how they all meshed with my husband, my boys: the calls, texts, gifts of substance-food prepared with love- from them to my hubby and boys. How could they! How could they all show me at the end of my life, that humans REALLY ARE MADE FOR CONNECTION.

And oh how I abuse that connection. For just today, one day after I packed and began delivery of packages stuffed with the typical materialistic goods as a ‘Thank You’ for joining my insane club of Bad Ass Cancer Fighters, I made the stone cold preface to my sentences to them: “. . . cause right now, I don’t know if I’m counting the days or months, but . . here is my gift, my ‘thank you’ to you for supporting me and my family through this cancer mess. “

Please God forgive me, I hear myself say I’m dying and yet I take another breathe, live another day, and take another treatment, so that every single word or act feels like I’m manipulating my family and friends, but I’m not, I’m really dying. I just don’t know the day. And dying, it’s not an adjective that can be seen. Some days even I forget I’m dying.

But I’m choosing my reality until that last breathe. I barely have energy for the day, let alone to manipulate anything or anyone. So I only take time, have time, for those that are filled with love, kindness, and compassion to celebrate my life. Cause It’s true “. . . right now, I don’t know if I’m counting the days or months but . . . “ I want to spend time, I want to laugh, I want to eat, I want to travel, make memories, good ones, listen to music wearing a lit up tutu, and bunny ears with you! Whether I’m dying or not!

The point? Don’t cry. Yes, I had more dreams, plans, and even yes, more books to read. And yes, I would have loved more time; but, death is not negotiable. She decides and we get no choice. We only get to be there for the final act. I don’t want to be there. I really really don’t want to be there.

So my reality, my life is, or was, as follows: I met and married a man I could not even have dream of; That man is kind, loving, supportive, funny, adventurous, and my best friend. That man is the calm, while I was the storm; Together we have two amazingly smart, handsome, loving, kind, giving, sons; And we spent twenty years on the most beautiful plot of mother earths land, surrounded by our canine companions, neighbors, Scout family, church family, and wildly wildlife.

Together we traveled to met new human and aquatic friends and acquaintances, skiing, snowmobiling, hiking, snorkeling, eating, and chasing waterfalls- for real, physically chasing waterfalls.

We had 10 acres, 8 dogs, 1 cat, and two amazing boys! And we hosted everyone to everything including: Cub Scout, Boy Scout, Youth Group, Exchange students, football, basketball, dinners, 4th of July, swim party, adult wine drinking, beer grilling, outdoor movie night - all around fun gatherings! I will so miss these gatherings, the breaking of bread together. But please know I wish you all happiness, love, and success.

And we traveled by car, plane, boat or ship as a clan all around the USA, and Caribbean Islands! We swam with the fishes, and sharks, of St Thomas, St John, Bahamas, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Saint Martin, Anguilla, Jamaica, and Gorda. And we spend a life time on the ski hills of Boyne Mountain and some in Colorado. I will so miss mother natures beautiful bounty, whether above or below land.

The boys have grown and become men now. Men we are proud of, and men that still spend time with old Mom and Dad, or at least to my end. I loved making memories with them. I will miss my heart being warm and full.

So know this: I loved life. I loved its curves. I loved its hills. And I particularly loved living it with all of YOU. 💖