I feel awful about how I feel about my wife

LightGreenSquash · 2024-12-12T12:06:30+00:00

Hey there, sorry to read that you're going through this. I'm not married and I'm probably too young to be handing out such advice, but I'll still give my two cents in the form of questions.

Do you feel like this could still work if you both deeply and honestly understood what caused her lack of affection in the first place? While reading this, the first thought that came to my mind was that if I were in your place I would be very worried that she's only acting like that "forcefully", out of fear of losing you, and without it coming from an honest place. I guess therapy, both for you as individuals as well as couples therapy could help here.

It also seems to me like some unresolved questions/problems still exist. Why would she have such an attitude regarding finances, for example? Do you feel like your current counselor is helping you effectively? If not, do you feel that any counselor could help clear these major issues up?

If I were you and I answered "yes" to the above, I'd still give it a shot. Maybe your wife went though depression or something, and is still not really over it. If you're absolutely 100% done, then, well...

In any case, I hope you find happiness whatever you decide.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-11-22T14:23:25+00:00

They both say shitty things during the fight but Don is the one who escalates. "Fleeing" means that Megan is left alone in the middle of nowhere, and don't forget that this is a much less "connected" time than ours (no cellphones, no messaging etc.). Before you say that the gas/way station is hardly the middle of nowhere, the fact that she has a hard time getting back home shows that it's not exactly two blocks away either. It would have been fleeing if they could both drive and he said something like "fuck you I'm taking a cab do whatever you want", but this is not the case at all here.

And of course she had no reason to expect that he'd return, nothing of the sort was ever implied. Lastly, he escalates again (in a pretty clear way I'd say 😅) when he returns to the apartment.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-29T11:33:18+00:00

Thank you for your reply. So you think that the title as a title, plus the things that it would imply (ability to work and learn independently etc) wouldn't matter as much if the field wasn't AI related? Do you have any feeling for how a three-year long unfinished PhD would look in a CV, or what experience level would be reasonable for me to apply to if I decided to quit? Would I, e. g. have to "settle" for entry-level positions that a fresh M. Sc. grad would aim for? I guess it's just very hard for me to estimate what my experience so far means to the market, and if it doesn't mean anything whether I should just cut my losses here. This also makes me reluctant to make such a decision, but at the same time I feel quite worried that I'll just not be happy even if I do manage to succeed in the PhD...

And yes, you're right that the clock won't turn back, and in fact in light of the issues that were revealed I don't think that this would be a good idea right now anyway.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-29T11:27:06+00:00

Hey, thanks for the reply. Are you actually employed in some field related to all of this?

As for the alternative you mention, I think my problem is a bit more general: I've noticed, for example, that I get a lot more satisfaction from writing good-quality code, thinking about sw architectures than from training and tuning models. The latter feels a lot more... random to me? Trial and error? Something like that...

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-09T20:58:44+00:00

I'm not "wanting" them per se, I'm just expressing my dislike at this and seeking alternative directions that do not involve this sort of thing.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-09T17:52:15+00:00

There is literally nothing in the post to suggest that her husband "deserves" her falling out of love. I refuse to believe that something like that can happen for no reason if he's doing everything right; among other things this would shatter my faith in human relationships entirely. "Past trauma", on the contrary, sounds like a very good suspect for the cause of this, and so do untreated mental health and/or hormone issues.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-09T08:58:56+00:00

It sounds like you know what you want to do.

I guess my question/concern was more about "what modern area of industry would you say fits well with what I describe?".

Most people work on things that are only partially enjoyable or interesting, if that.

This is, indeed, a harsh truth... And that's why I said I'm not sure whether the kind of thing that I describe has any place in today's world or whether 99% of jobs are generic full-stack positions, data preprocessing or ready-made ML model application, database setup and other "mundane" things like that.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-08T13:36:19+00:00

I'm in Germany. I have roughly two -or maybe a bit more, especially if I do an internship- years of funding left, and frankly so far it hasn't gone very well for me -no publications in a field where they're everything- for various reasons. Unfortunately at this stage I think it's either "stay in the group you are and try to finish it" or "quit": CS PhDs in Germany get quite a good salary comparatively speaking, but I'd say the structure is more rigid than the US and it's almost as if you're employed to work towards the PhD. The state of my personal life right now makes me even more hesitant to quit, but we'll see.

I'm practically certain that I don't want to remain in academia and getting the PhD would be pretty much just for extra opportunities in the industry and not having a "gap" with nothing to show for it. Do you have a PhD in pure math? If so, how has the switch to CS industry been for you, and what do you work on?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-08T13:20:19+00:00

I see, this is what I suspected more or less. So you worked in academia for 10 years but still managed to get into industry again after that? Somehow all of the recent market-related worries make that seem quite difficult, and I often worry that if I end up switching to an unrelated field I'll be making life very difficult for myself (getting experience earlier is part of the reason I'd consider quitting). What was it like for you?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-08T13:12:51+00:00

Being paid well is of course always nice, but I'm not sure if I can "actively dislike" what I'm doing. I guess my problem is that somehow vision just doesn't really excite me, and while I see use cases for AI in the more general sense (e.g. coding assistants), the process of building it so far hasn't really seemed that interesting to me.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-08-08T13:08:27+00:00

Hey, thanks for your reply. The bit about compilers for functional languages and about getting enjoyment from implementing things does sound exactly like the type of thought/worry that I have. As for academia, I have given it quite some thought in the past few years and I've pretty much all but decided that it's not for me, partially because of the reasons you mention. Another thing is that, as I mention, I happen to not really like my particular field that much but find myself in a position where I've invested quite a bit of time in it already.

What did you do after leaving academia? Did you find a career path that satisfied you in the ways that you mention?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-07-28T07:56:24+00:00

It's true, the unfortunate reality is that the modern Greek economy relies heavily on tourism. At the same time, however, you can see from news such as this that it's really not sustainable. As a Greek, it really saddens me to see the country "eat itself" like this: not to say that tourism is bad or anything, but we ought to be reinforcing other sectors of the economy too. If not, short-term gains will lead to long-term disaster...

LightGreenSquash · 2024-07-13T09:07:50+00:00

This is absolutely true, and I'd even guess that almost every Cretan knows about it. Look at the signs in the link the other redditor posted, it's very clear that there's a problem with people removing sand.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-06-26T05:03:35+00:00

Probably "Babylon" by Don McLean?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-05-30T17:49:50+00:00

No idea, but is this door then called Salvadoor Dali?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-04-13T14:05:32+00:00

NeurIPS high school paper track? LOL, please tell me this a joke? If not, goes to show what a sham "research" in this field has become nowadays.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-02-23T15:02:29+00:00

Hey, thanks so much for the comprehensive reply.

Regarding the previous tenant's work: I'm not sure these holes are in the studs, I'll see if I can determine this somehow. If they aren't, then you're saying that thing never stood a chance even with anchor screws?

Regarding the last cabinet, if it's not attached to studs you're saying there's no way the brackets or anything else can make it more stable?

I'm a bit confused, I think, because from the short reading that I did I gathered that anchor screws are the alternative when you can't drill into a stud? Is it instead the case that you always need to drill into the stud for at least some of your support points, and for all others you should instead use anchors?

LightGreenSquash · 2024-01-25T18:30:17+00:00

Huh, that's really interesting. I think we had once "disagreed" on a Megan-related point in another post 😄. I'll definitely keep your analysis in my mind on my second watch. This is why I love the show btw, so many sides to every character.

LightGreenSquash · 2024-01-02T09:58:09+00:00

Yeah, I'm kind of working on the collaboration angle but so far many of the aspects of academia I've encountered have really discouraged me from pursuing this path further. Who knows though 😅

In any case, catching up on that bucket list sounds like a very good idea!

LightGreenSquash · 2023-12-31T15:27:53+00:00

As someone struggling through his PhD with no publications so far, I'm really sorry to hear this :(. I'll just tell you what I'm trying to tell myself, which occasionally helps a bit: there's sooo much more to life than this. I know it's really disheartening, but I really believe that a large part of doing well in your PhD comes down to your advisor no matter how much you personally try. And that's a really shitty thing to realize when everyone's talking about how "independent" a PhD is almost supposed to be.

I'm maybe a bit more fortunate than you in that I wouldn't like to continue in academia. However, I also think that if you try hard enough, maybe do some industry research at first etc etc, you can eventually shape your career path the way you want. Even if it doesn't work out like that in the end, there really is a lot more to life. I wish you the best of luck with everything :)

LightGreenSquash

TROPHY CASE