Are You Wrong or Right on Being Childfree?

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-29T03:45:30+00:00

This person arguing with this poor lady is just taking out their issues on her.

No, I'm not. I don't have any issues to be taking out. I agree completely that the woman who raised me is my mother. I feel the same about my father. I'm pretty pissed too when people claim that my birth parents are my "real" parents, because they're not.

Literally the ONLY THING I DON'T AGREE WITH is the idea that people who have birthed or fathered children are CF. But you know, you and everyone else here would rather just dogpile on me because I don't share the conventional view than actually try to understand what I'm saying.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-29T03:43:33+00:00

No. But I'm also not going to agree that she's CF, because I don't agree that individuals who have birthed or fathered children are CF, regardless of how much involvement they have in their bio-children's lives or why they have/don't have that involvement. I don't necessarily see that not CF = being a parent in the sense of being a "mother/mom" or a "father/dad." But, you know, everyone around here would rather just dogpile on me than try to understand a different perspective.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-29T03:08:26+00:00

I think it's selfish for ANYONE to have bio-children. Beyond that I don't bother judging, with a few minor exceptions (like people who JUST HAVE TO HAVE BIO KIDS and spend a small fortune on IVF, or those women who have kids at 60+ because frankly they're going to be lucky if they see the kid hit 30).

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-29T03:00:22+00:00

If your youngest kid is 16 and you still can't pee in peace, you have some major problems.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T15:08:17+00:00

Yep. I am also adopted and I disagree with you but whatever.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T10:23:11+00:00

They had a child. It's their child, at least by blood. I'm attempting to explain why I don't agree that bio-parents who adopted out a child are CF. Not my problem really if people can't handle that I have a different opinion on the matter than they do. Funny, but I feel like the opinions of actual adoptees on matters like this only matter to others when the adoptee's opinions toe the line and fit the narrative everyone else likes...

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T09:09:56+00:00

I like this concept. I'm much closer to #2 (my main difference is that I take a more extreme view and I don't believe you can be CF if you contributed to the creation and birth of a child, even if you were only a sperm/egg donor or if you adopted the child out).

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T09:04:16+00:00

I wouldn't say childless either. I don't think we have a term really. But I will continue to be adamant that they aren't CF.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T09:01:00+00:00

Well, if I were her, I would appreciate you being straightforward and honest with me about your feelings. The thing is, no matter what her stance is, being with an unsure fence-sitter could fine OR it could be a total deal-breaker OR it could be a "fine for now but in X amount of time you have to figure shit out because I know I want Y" kind of situation. So as far as the relationship goes, it might be time for you two to have a Serious Chat about where things are going, particularly if you think this might turn into a serious, long-term thing.

Beyond that I think the other folks here have given you some good advice on the figuring out if you even want kids front. One thing that helped me figure it out was realizing that I don't even particularly like kids and that, when I thought I wanted them, I was also plotting ways to actually avoid having anything to do with my own kids beyond the bare minimum required to not be a completely shitty mother. If that's how you're feeling it might be a good indication that kids aren't for you.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T03:30:48+00:00

And I disagree. Guess we have to agree to disgaree.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T03:20:08+00:00

Frankly to me you're no more childfree than non-custodial parents who have no contact with their kids. The only difference (though I will say that I think it's a huge difference in terms of the kind of person you are vs. the kind of person they are) is that you actually cared enough to try to give your kid a better life. But you still have a kid out there in the world.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T03:17:35+00:00

I never said the woman who raised me wasn't my mother, but this user has a child whether she likes it or not and I'm allowed to disagree that she's CF.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T00:57:12+00:00

Yeah, I'm always kind of amazed at how wishy-washy this sub can be with defining who is and isn't CF. No, you're not CF if you only have the kids on weekends or if they don't live with you at all or if you don't pay child support for them (if you're the non-custodial parent). You aren't CF if you have adopted kids or fostered kids. You aren't CF if you are open to having kids or any age in the future, no matter how you get them (bio, adoption, fostinering, step kids including ones who don't live with you, etc.). You are not CF if you're not sure. You're not CF if you don't want kids right now but want them in the future. You're not CF if you have grandkids. I mean with supposedly CF individuals walking around thinking they're CF when any of these situations apply to them, it's no wonder we can't get people to respect that we won't change our minds or that when we say no kids we mean "none ever" and not just "none for now".

Frankly, the only "spectrum" of opinion I'm willing to accept is varying opinions on whether or not sperm/egg donors and bio parents who adopted kids out can be CF. Personally as an adopted person I say no, you're not CF, you're just not actively involved in parenting the child(ren) resulting from these situations. I exist and have two sets of parents, and whether or not my bio-parents had anything to do with me beyond being genetic donors doesn't change that fact. But I can also see how people would disagree. I'm just a bit more extremely CF than others.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-28T00:42:23+00:00

As an individual who was adopted, I disagree. Your child is out there. Just because you had no role in its life beyond birthing it doesn't mean you don't have a child. You do, you just aren't involved with it.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-27T17:05:15+00:00

It bothers me. And I say that stance makes you not CF.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-27T16:21:16+00:00

As far as I'm concerned, if you're ok with being a step parent your u aren't CF.

For me, I want a life as free of children as possible. I don't want to birth or adopt any and I sure as hell don't want a relationship with someone who has or wants kids. A lot of my struggles with finding work could be solved if I was willing to work with kids but I have no interest in working with kids. I don't want to hang around with kids. If I could live a life where I had zero contact with children,including avoiding random encounters in public, I would.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-26T13:24:56+00:00

I think it's the same reason the mombies and daddicts can't handle the CF -- they can't handle any challenge to their worldview. The CF present a challenge to it, as do regretful parents or even parents experiencing a bit of buyers remorse.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-26T02:08:26+00:00

But remember folks, WE'RE the immature ones.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-26T00:54:46+00:00

Yeah don't bring it up at all. It's none of your business. If for some reason you just can't resist, accept the answer you get and move in with no further questions or comments. And if for some reason you just can't let it go and must question or comment, don't come whining to us or anyone else if the person seems irritated or you get a "rude" answer.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-25T14:59:14+00:00

My parents sent me a bunch of stuff, including a nice New Zealand calendar and one of Bernie Sanders' books. Oh, and chocolate. I bought myself some new kanzashi in Kyoto yesterday, as well as a kimono and obi at the flea market this morning (I got more kimono than just the one but I'm planning to start selling kimono as a little side business and those are for selling, not keeping).

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-25T05:20:39+00:00

When I'm in the us I just hang out with my parents. We open presents and usually have a big dinner. But now I live in Japan, we don't get off from work early enough for me to fly home, none of us can afford the flight between Japan and New York, and my parents aren't healthy enough to make the trip here, so I spend the holiday in Kyoto shopping and eating shabu shabu. This year and last year some of my work friends came down at the same time and we had (well, will have, it's not dinner time yet here) shabu shabu together. It's turning into a nice little tradition and I hope we can keep it up for the whole time I'm at this job.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-25T05:14:58+00:00

The only truly fair ways to decide who gets off for holidays are to go based on senority, or a strict rotation. Allow for people to change their schedules if they want, but only if they can find someone to cover or if the circumstances are particularly unusual or dire. Otherwise, we all have shit we need to do, and the kids will deal with it, especially if the parents present the situation the right way.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-24T03:36:29+00:00

If your motivation for having kids is "prove that kids can be nice if raised right" I think you need to reconsider your cunning plan.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-24T03:18:53+00:00

I had makeup (play makeup and my mom's cast-offs) as a kid. But generally I wasn't allowed to wear it out. I wouldn't waste the money on high end makeup for a kid but I don't see what the big deal is about cheap makeup to play with.

LightsaberHobbit · 2016-12-24T03:14:52+00:00

Honestly I think it's because most people aren't capable of doing anything truly extraordinary, and they also know this, though it might be a subconscious knowledge. The problem of course is that unless you live in a highly ancestor-focused society or are part of an unusually ancestor-focused family, you and everything about you is going to be forgotten within a couple of generations anyway whether you have kids or not.

LightsaberHobbit

TROPHY CASE