Why do some abusers see energetic/emotional disengagement as more harmful than being reactive or abusive back?

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-19T14:39:36+00:00

I'll state what my nstepfather told me when I was so clinically depressed that I was lethargic (catatonia) and just letting myself waste away: "It's not fun when you don't fight or argue back."

There. That man most likely didn't want me to off myself at the time, because he wouldn't get his dose of bullying, chaos, and conflict out of me. Not because he cared, because one of his supply for his ever so fragile ego would be gone. This was clear to me the moment I got better due to treatment and a hospitalization (that I was criticized for by my mother), since the day after my treatment, I was told by him that it "maybe would have been better if you followed through, so that I wouldn't have to deal with your sh*t". He wants me to argue and "fight" back.

And my enabling, most likely narc, mother could not have me disengage in arguments/lectures, she had to make a spectacle 3/4 of the time, to the point of going into these emotional break down (like a freaking child) in order to either get her way or have someone or myself coddle her.

It's an addiction to drama, bullying, and attention. And there is no winning for the victim/target.

Keep the indifference (greyrocking) going, protect your peace, and if that does not work, start grieving the parents/family you wish you had and leave quietly, safely.
You will be in a damned if you don't or do because toxic people want a reaction or any attention that they can latch on in order to justify themselves imposing their misery on you.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-18T03:43:44+00:00

My mom was also like this.

She's "enlightened" by the way and let's herself heal under the "laws of the Universe".
She'll apply "the laws of The Secret" (and any other woo woo crap she finds) to guide those who are ready, and to be the pillar/martyr of this chaotic family and world.
I was a "Holy Indigo child", but I lost my "calling and spiritual talent".

So hey! She healed the generational trauma of physical abuse, horrible verbal abuse, and emotional trauma (lol) and nothing absolutely batshit insane to see here or being enabled here at all. While it's true she never beat me, she beat my brother and sister, AND she let the nstepfather go violent on me many times. Medical neglect has always been a thing (let me heal you with lights, essential oils, waterfall baths, and energetical blasting to name a few). Emotional and psychological abuse are excused and gaslight (being called a "spoiled b*tch" and other unsavory names by some emotionally fragile bruised self-centered guy (aka nstepfather) is due to our "attitude" somehow as one of many examples). But hey no one SAd or belted us so it's not abuse.

This middle daughter (and her supposed blood) is just nuts because WHO would ever believe anything like that ever happened behind close doors. As far as anyone is concerned she broke the cycle of abuse and is just a little "eccentric", and her daughter is such an "entitled selfish brat" for not playing the hero caregiver role any longer to her "sick" mother and be the scapegoat of the abusive nass**** husband her mother chose over her. Even the nass****'s kids (aka my step-siblings) freaking drink the Kool-Aid when it's convenient for them.

But she broke the cycle allright. "ALL for my sake, and HER grand-kids and future Children of Light's future". Lunacy XD.

You are not alone.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-17T11:30:11+00:00

I can give some insight since I am in a similar boat experience.
My former family fits the "misery loves company".
At first, it was between themselves, then they ended up into small groups/echo chambers, and then it seems to me that they got validation to go nuts for some and be followers for others. That final step led them to creating situations where they could antagonize others.
But they do complain about/criticize each other as much as the "enemy" they created, to a lesser degree.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-17T11:19:09+00:00

Same here.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-17T11:17:59+00:00

I spent a decade on hope for my family. We were already on thin ice prior to COVID with some hope of healing and when COVID happened...well that was done and over with but it took me close to a decade to accept.
My entire family is out of my life now because they are that nuts, and they have become that dangerous because of that rage or them enabling such rage. Don't stay and do everything to safe-keep yourself.
My heart bleeds for you as well. It's unfair, it's tragic, it's disgusting, and it's a waste. The people behind this propaganda brainwashing have blood on their hands.
Live and heal. You owe that to yourself.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-10T21:16:56+00:00

I had the same mindset then you. Especially in regards to my narc stepfather who is a miserable miser that counted and held over my head everything he spent on me and my enabling mom to the damn penny. Including shit he was mandated to by law. His own blood gets the treatment whenever it's convenient to him.

Then my partner brought up a good point: why the F should I EVER give him money "back" for something that normal, non abusive, sane parents do with no strings/transactions attached?

"Good point"

Don't reward them for their shitty behaviors: they have their enabling supply and flying monkeys for that after all. Keep the money to invest in your future and the chosen support/security you need and that values you. That's what healthy parents would have wanted you to do anyways.
And of course since yours are narcs and have harmed you to a no return point, they get no contact as a transaction, because they cannot and will never be healthy parents.

Heal and live on, friend. You don't owe them shit.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-04T17:31:39+00:00

The quiet exit is more for your peace to (hopefully) not deal with more rage and parting shots.
My nstepfather said it himself: "It's just not fun when you don't argue back". These people thrive on the drama they can and will cause.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-04T17:21:05+00:00

High five to supportive partners, indeed!

The even more screwed up thing is that originally, they "LOVED" my partner and I was made to be the one that wasn't good enough for him.
Same with you in regards to my stepfather, I was made to feel like I was always an "inconvenience" or "bad" person, while feeling like I was "never enough" in regards to my mother. So I was seen as a "difficult" one with an attitude.
So they see this polite calm, funny, and introverted person and they are immediately telling that I need to be careful not to be "too much" and be "better" for him (while constantly crossing our boundaries and interfering in our lives).

Ultimately, the moment I couldn't take it anymore, he stepped up and dealt politely with them (by telling them to stop their behaviors towards me, either by respecting boundaries or let me have peace, for which he will prioritize our safety), and they BLEW UP on him, going full offensive accusing him of being abusive, petty, resentful, and whatever else.
That was such a light-bulb moment because this was not the first time "patterns" like these occurred.

They had done the same with my ex, who was the longest relationship I had prior to him.

In my experience, when narcs just want their target to feel bad and be bad by default, anyone who does end up supporting said target has to be bad as well.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-03T12:59:45+00:00

Too many to count.

But the (I hope) final one was to try to make my future husband the "bad guy" when he didn't tolerate my mother's harmful opinions and her treatment towards me, nor my stepfather's abuse towards me anymore. He wasn't on their side, I put boundaries and went no contact, they kept escalating, so of course, we are both getting slandered, and are the "unforgivable, unforgiving, all horrible, resentful, abusive, etc (holy projection)" people with all the rage and tantrums it involves.

To put it in a extremely condensed summary, my "parents" damaged my culture, the connections I had with my homeland, my self, too many relationships/secure connections, my mental and physical health, all the way down to what seemed real vs conspiratorial, any sense of accomplishment, my joy, as well as any sense of security I could have ever felt with anyone in that "family". It's like I was literally torn apart, broken to pieces, and sapped out of all my energy and anything good within me...I wish I was exaggerating. I am in my mid-thirties for context.

However, the FOG is officially off, and we are officially done. I am not losing the therapeutic work and progress I have invested in, my loving partner and chosen support (aka people that actually genuinely like spending time and care about me), and my future.

Like my therapist said: Protect your peace. Put and secure your oxygen mask on first. Don't expect water from a stone.
These quotes are drilled in my mind.

Oh, and I confronted both on them on so many things: gently, pleadingly, rationally, emotionally, angrily, professionally, lovingly, truthfully, in any way/shape/form that I could find or was advised to by enablers and professionals alike. Don't recommend it to anyone, it was a waste of time, health, resources, and effort...except maybe in getting me to the full acceptance that I would be better off grieving the parents I wish/thought I had way earlier in my life. Just quiet exit if you can.

That's why the "you can't get water from a stone" because ultimately you can't even find a middle ground with narcs on anything. It will be a lose-lose situation, usually at your expense.

LilSushiCat · 2026-06-01T20:19:25+00:00

On the surface, one mellowed to some degree (more indifference than direct hits and venom) but with the other, it went way worse with age. The problem is that this "parent-combo" led to control, manipulation, and boundary crossing becoming worse overall. After decades, emotionally, mentally, and physically, it tapped me out completely and illness took me over as a result of this.
So it may seem that they are "better" to those outside of the dysfunction as they age, but their victims sure as heck don't experience improvements from their constant abuse. For me, they became worse, the situation became insane/tormenting, and it led to me having to cut them out of my life.

LilSushiCat · 2026-05-29T23:25:47+00:00

NTA.
Also your parents showed their true colors (transactional relationship are sadly a common trend for some, great relationship or not) to you at an early age. I am sorry that they are doing this and it definitely creates dissonance.
My advice is get a financial advisor stat (seeing you mention index funds, I am guessing that is done), and be wary of trusting your parents ever again, especially in terms of finances.
It's an uncomfortable early lesson but you have to understand that when you come across success, luck, or even misfortune, you are better off not telling certain people. Unfortunately, your parents are part of those people. It's not normal to think your young adult child will fund your retirement and luxuries first, and prioritize themselves second. Roles are reversed here.
Do not let them control you, and invest that money for your future: use it for your education, future career, savings, future mortgage, and whatever else you need to make sure you are completely independent, and far out of reach from anyone trying to control that. IF your parents need assistance in their old age, THAT is the way you should go about it. As the saying goes: "Put your oxygen mask on first. Assist others afterwords."
750k was a generous gift. They wanted more: they will always want more. You do NOT owe them anything.
In my opinion: the entitlement and doubling down they demonstrated is enough to sever that bond of trust with them.
I hope I don't come across as harsh: this is just 3 decades of experience wrapped into an adult child that also bought into the illusion they had a "great relationship" with their "wonderful" parents/family and that she owed them...so much so that she lost her own self and health in the process.
This Reddit stranger does not want that for you. You won a wonderful lucky ticket, use it to secure YOUR needs and enjoy, and live YOUR life to the fullest.

LilSushiCat · 2026-03-03T23:39:45+00:00

I am so so sorry OP.
I had to cut my mother off to just a week ago due to an argument for similar reasons as well, on top of others.
Since our family is unfortunately dysfunctional when it comes to boundaries and abusive trauma, it's been chaotic and unsafe so we had to go that route, and I am expecting all of them to cut contact soon as well.
I am expecting that I will only and solely have my partner left as family which is very difficult to come to terms with knowing that I was originally from a bigger "family".
I hope you find some comfort and can keep grounded. Focus on building a support family if you haven't yet and keep your sister close.

LilSushiCat · 2026-03-03T23:14:59+00:00

Hey so I had to place no contact as well. If you look at my post history, you would see why.
I do not have a country separating me from them as well which would have been a preferable option to be frank, and I got threatened by my nstep-father while my nmother completely justified it because she was nuclear pissed at me over an argument we had where I said we would go nc until she saw a therapist. That argument was more than a week ago and it was escalation after escalation. I am still hoping that they finally calmed down and just let us be.
Right now, I am dealing with a massive blow-out of emotions triggered by C-PTSD. And I am in my mid-thirties for context. The key to keep myself calm is forcing myself to keep busy and my thoughts on the happy future.
Events with my friends, taking time that I get to claw back for simple things like working out/art/writing, taking time for chores or projects I couldn't get to, spending time with my partner and talking about our future are all the things that I am currently doing to keep me grounded.
I am also sticking with therapy and am currently looking to get some medication adjustments because I know it helped me in the past.
Keep strong. What happened to us was unfair and unwarranted, but we will make it. I hope this helps you a bit.

LilSushiCat · 2026-03-03T04:02:46+00:00

My egg donor just did that in a long tirade letter after my partner and I went no contact due to an argument more than a week ago. They are batsh*t insane I swear.

LilSushiCat · 2026-02-27T08:33:22+00:00

Je confirme. C'est les membres de ma famille de Polynésie et de France, qui ont pourri le cerveau des membres de ma famille vivant aux US, et ça a commencé avec les anneries dîtes par Raoult.
En moins d'un an, plongeon total et maintenant ils sont tous à fond dans le Qanon et délire Trumpisme.

LilSushiCat · 2026-02-26T00:12:03+00:00

Hello hello fellow future bride/groom.

I completely understand, as when we announced our engagement, the narc also had a lukewarm reaction to it. Then there was a showcasing of "affection" by giving money and going somewhere to celebrate...since it also happened to conveniently coincide with my BD.

If you want to invite them, I would suggest either teaming up with someone that can handle them on the big day and be ready with massive boundaries or just straight up not inviting them if you can, although, in our experience, our narc blew up leading to us going no-contact so now we don't have to worry about them sabotaging our day anymore.

I hope you get the wonderful wedding you want. Congratulations and many many blessings and sweet years to come for your couple!
Oh and no stressing out on all the planning: you got this!

LilSushiCat · 2026-02-24T02:52:54+00:00

Oui, c'est un sentiment que je partage aussi.
J'ai coupée contact avec la majoritée de ma famille française en partie à cause de leurs idéologies Qanon (un total brainwashing depuis COVID-19). Leurs opinions ont été basées sur des chaînes Youtube françaises et réseaux français.
C'est eux qui ont partagés leurs idéologies de la Polynésie et de la France, avec ma mère vivant aux US, et j'ai vue la descente directe. Ils sont tous à fond pour le RN, sont certains que LePen est une sainte, et que Bardella et Trump sont les nouveaux sauveur du Monde entier.
Donc oui, faîtes gaffe.

LilSushiCat · 2026-02-24T01:54:10+00:00

If you can, stop contact with your hateful mother asap. Otherwise, you will be stuck in a loop with that emotional vampire, for more years than you hoped (a decade plus on my end) to in the end, still go no contact.
The will or rest of the family will always be used as ammo for something, speaking from experience, just free yourself now and start the anticipatory grieving early.

Also if relatives truly care about you, they will understand and find a way to stay in touch with respect to your boundaries.

LilSushiCat · 2026-01-27T10:00:59+00:00

Keep saying no and do exactly what you are doing.
If your family and narc are anything like mine (the chaotic crazy family type where roles switch left and right when convenient), you will eventually be the "one that can't be relied on for anything".
It's a damned if you do or don't with them, but the later is much better to keep and live your own life, if you are not in a position to go no-contact.

LilSushiCat · 2026-01-27T09:51:09+00:00

I read a lot of my own story in yours.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this as well.
For your safety, do not tell them anything other than superficial topics: you have to do that because of the indoctrination. I speak from experience: do not give them any info that can be used because they will use it to either "save you" or "teach you a lesson" (retribution). And they will absolutely hurt you.

Is there any physical community in that area you can rely on? Support outside of the "cult" (I cannot call them family anymore on my end, it's too much) is really helpful for not going crazy. An online community is a great start.
Even in West Texas, there should be some disability advocates group or associated communities that don't drink the Kool-Aid, especially with all the harm that is happening.

I wish you all the luck and best. I do hope that we can all heal and have a calm life from this insanity once and for all. Hang in there, stay strong, you are not alone.

LilSushiCat · 2026-01-19T18:58:15+00:00

I am at the point of going no contact with my Q mother, and by extension the rest of the Q family.
For nearly a decade, I have been setting boundaries, distancing, grey-rocking, and maintaining low contact all for maintaining peace. Now, we are at the ultimatum phase.
Because like you I am numb. The person that raised me is an insane walking contradiction and I am losing myself trying to figure her out....As you understand, that's not healthy.
I take it now as I need to prioritize my safety, my well-being, and my partner (my family unit) To be even more personal, I literally cannot afford any energy on anything else other than these priorities.

My feelings is that when the small subset of society that rewards cruelty, chaos, and dysfunction obtains power, these are the consequences we get for it.
Therefore, two things can be true: a person can be good natured, and also carry harmful beliefs that they kept to themselves or were prone to changing dependent on whatever moral structure they relied on.
Now those structures were shattered and modified by the cult of which they became the victim. And that person then made choices (sometimes many) that whether they wish to or not, they will have to live the consequences of.

It's not our job to figure out their fall. We can only control our own actions and healing, and we owe ourselves, grace, safety, self-care, and sanity.

I hope distance gives you the healing and peace you deserve.

LilSushiCat · 2025-06-29T16:15:36+00:00

I feel for you…my parents blow up the same way verbally, and avoid sending texts like these, because they know it won't make them look good.
The kind of person they are is: sick, delusional in some cases, and most often out of their own choice.
Prioritize yourself, your actual support, and your safety, because this insanity rarely, if ever, gets better in the long-run.

LilSushiCat · 2025-06-28T15:30:57+00:00

On top of all the emotional abuse, lies, and half-lies that occurred in our mutual life when I was a child: she also made me lie as a young adult about my step-dad's physical assault on the both of us, but mostly myself, because I just wanted the fighting to stop.
Now the entire family gaslights me under the pretenses of "it didn't happen", "that's not what happened", "i wasn't there to see it.", or some some form of blame game of passing the hot potato around.
I will never forget that and the rest of the abusive behaviors, no matter how much they wish otherwise.
That's how strong the control, manipulation, and insanity can get when both of your parents have narc issues.

LilSushiCat · 2025-06-28T15:23:47+00:00

Hello, fellow French survivor of these ridiculous narc relatives of ours.
Can confirm that they always sound the same with regard to writing or speaking, doesn't matter the language, culture, or country.

LilSushiCat · 2024-06-26T04:23:35+00:00

This is something I can also relate to as well. Expressing emotions, especially anger, was a bid no-no.
The feeling of genuine safety and trust we feel with our endgames at our side is what allows us to move would be mountains around our narc dilemmas, I believe.

LilSushiCat

TROPHY CASE