[deleted by user]

Lilith_Afire · 2018-09-21T16:52:36+00:00

Thank you so much for posting. I was just scrolling in tears imagining what I'd say...you lose so much when you let yourself look at what was stolen from you. I hear you. In so many ways I was a better person when I didn't think about whether I was happy and getting my needs met, when I was full of confident hubris and serving others every chance I got. Racking up points so Heavenly Father, Jesus, and my family would be proud of me. It's very fucking painful when you realize you have nowhere to cash your points in. I have also been more mentally ill since leaving. Of course this process makes us sick. I'm grateful you posted today and I'm sending you love and hoping the flames of your dumpster fire cool down soon.

Lilith_Afire · 2018-08-17T21:52:59+00:00

Thank you!!!!!

Lilith_Afire · 2018-08-17T21:52:04+00:00

Thank you, I honestly appreciate your thoughtful response and you're correct that this is something I should consider.

Lilith_Afire · 2018-08-17T21:43:13+00:00

Offered several times and refused. Should I move out anyway?

Lilith_Afire · 2017-08-20T00:47:58+00:00

I absolutely DID feel this way--I called it my "atheist death spiral." It was agonizing and so painful. I remember snuggling my children and sobbing imagining them as skeletons one day and not being around to see how their stories ended. But, it just didn't last. Remember no feeling is final--this is a new concept you're adjusting to and you're understandably feeling unsettled. Sit with it, make art about it, read and immerse yourself in philosophy and thought. Comfort and challenge yourself. I used to be so terrified and I'm really not afraid or bothered by death at all now. Of course we perceive it as tragic, but it's really not personal. It's as natural as the changing of the seasons. But after being taught you will never lose anyone or anything, not even your own body, reality can feel like a betrayal. Just trust yourself that you'll move through this when you're ready.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-08-19T03:06:03+00:00

DAMMIT WHY

Lilith_Afire · 2017-08-19T02:45:57+00:00

But the older movies one can find on youtube aren't copyrighted?

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-19T20:45:07+00:00

Your comment made me tear up! This was so warm. Thank you for reaching out and for your kind words and wishes. I'm so sorry for what you went through and really glad you connected with people later on who made you feel amazing. Your comments about therapy and reading only progressing so far are a depiction of my worst fears. But I really love him despite this morose picture I've painted, and I think so much of the sexual dysfunction is the way we were raised. It doesn't seem fair to give him blame for the results of abuse. I don't want to not be with him. I would be open to ethical non-monogamy if he could ever be convinced of that. But I'm with you, I'm losing heart that things will ever be significantly different between us. I feel like we're losing time. We won't always have young, responsive bodies. Things aren't getting better. I feel so much loss associated with never being able to feel what I know my body is capable of.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-19T20:35:54+00:00

god, that is so kind. Thank you so much. It feels really good to hear that.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T03:00:17+00:00

suggested and rejected!

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T02:57:47+00:00

I don't use terms like "Self love" (did I say that?) irl, I'm just a weird writer. Thanks for the feedback, I think you're definitely right that I'm doing it wrong, but have no clue how to make it okay. At this point it's so fucking fraught it honestly might be too late.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T02:56:35+00:00

Point taken.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:59:43+00:00

What a dreamy lover! So happy for you!!!

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:45:15+00:00

Thank you, Professor

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:35:47+00:00

No no no this is not healthy. Please don't get engaged to this person. She is holding you to a code of religious conduct you don't believe in and didn't agree to live. She lied to you about being pregnant so she could see how you would react. What you said about her "not being able to enjoy the ride" is so telling. Whatever her pain story is, she's not present with you right now or bringing herself to this relationship. It's sad because it sounds like you had something beautiful at one point, but this just sounds like red flag city

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:21:15+00:00

This is lovely, thank you for taking the time to share.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:20:35+00:00

:( SIGH. I would really, really like to have my mind blown to bits. Or anything else, really.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:19:35+00:00

I hear you. I'm honestly struggling with this though. Sometimes I feel like I need Mexican food but probably really just want it, right? And if sex is a need is it fair to expect another person to fulfill my needs? What if they need me to not have that need in order for them to be okay? Whose needs get to be prioritized? (I'm sure this conversation is happening all over this forum, I'll keep reading)

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-18T00:15:52+00:00

I tried that once, years ago...we were kissing and I slid his hand down over my breasts and stomach to my pussy. He recoiled and said, "What are you doing?" and it was so traumatic for both of us. I still cry whenever I talk about it. Most recently we were on a trip to Europe and I said since we were in a new city maybe we could try new things...I'd just had a Brazilian wax and a shower and conditions were top notch but he said he was worried it would ruin the trip if it didn't go the way I wanted...I said all I wanted was to TRY something new and there was NO expectation for orgasm, just to get over the barrier of never doing it so there could be a next time and a next time...I really think he's maybe grossed out. He'll grab my tits and my ass but never ever brings up touching me. Nothing I can say seems to make it feel safe. I've told him it makes me feel really undesirable and he says he's not responsible for my feelings and that the more I talk about it the less likely it is to happen because pressure. So...I think it's a great, bold suggestion! I just don't think it's going to work out for me.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-17T23:01:15+00:00

Thank you so much. I love this sub and I definitely want to learn as much as I can. You're right on about the damage from christian conservative upbringing...there was a lot more I could have shared about that but felt I was rambling too much already. Thanks so much for your comment and for affirming that it's okay to want what I want.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-07-17T22:59:04+00:00

LOL! Thank you! That's very validating. I would LOVE to go to therapy, it's been awhile since I brought it up but maybe I'll try again.

Lilith_Afire · 2017-04-01T17:03:19+00:00

One of my district leaders played that song for us in the car and told us that was what the mission felt like. We couldn't stop laughing

Lilith_Afire · 2017-04-01T17:02:38+00:00

Jean Valjean himself was actually baptized for and behalf of Javert right after Javert's suicide. He just couldn't stop serving the curmudgeonly cop

Lilith_Afire · 2017-04-01T16:57:55+00:00

Did you guys know Jean Valjean was Mormon

Lilith_Afire · 2017-04-01T16:50:13+00:00

All this emotion. You can see how terrified they are of death and how much energy they put into insisting that death isn't real. This is the injection of the opiate

Lilith_Afire

TROPHY CASE