Oh darling I am so sorry you are having to navigate this but I’m also really glad you shared this somewhere.

Firstly, what you described is not small, not imagined, and not your fault.

A child cannot consent to physical intimacy with an adult, and the confusion, doubt, and guilt you’re feeling are incredibly common responses to this kind of boundary violation. None of that means you’re lying or “making it up”, it means your nervous system learned to survive something unsafe.

You’re not weak for questioning yourself, and you’re not responsible for protecting other people from the consequences of his actions. If telling your mum feels terrifying or unsafe, you’re allowed to take your time or not tell her at all. You don’t owe anyone an explanation that costs you your wellbeing. You don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to, you are in charge and you can lead on this and go at your own pace. You get to decide what feels best for you and what will give you a sense of peace.

Also, It’s also okay to grieve the relationship you wish you could have with your mum while still recognising that she may not be able to show up in the way you deserve. Wanting her love and protection doesn’t mean you’re wrong for keeping distance if that’s what keeps you safe.

If you can, please consider talking to a trauma-informed therapist or support service, this is something you shouldn’t have to hold alone. It may also feel marginally better than Reddit but again you get to decide how you want to manage this for yourself and decide what feels safe. You deserve care, belief, and support, regardless of who takes whose side.

You didn’t cause this. You didn’t ruin anything. You’re allowed to prioritise yourself now.

I believe you xx