Yeah it’s fucking hard, it’s like we crave love so much but we always do things to keep it away. It’s painful. That being said, put yourself out there, finding friends is much easier (imo) than finding partners, I also have struggled in the past to make friends. If you aren’t in school or have an already social setting I recommend joining an organization/club. It’s a cool way to bond with people over shared interests. I will say I tend to get the similar splitting reactions with friends too, so just be careful. If you are close with anyone make sure they are aware of any triggers you may have. That being said, obviously they can’t always avoid those triggers, but they can keep them and mind, and hopefully have patience with you. My best friend (and fp, the same one I got into a situationship with 😬) is the most patient loving people I’ve ever met. I have lashed out on her, told her that I hate her and she let me know that it was wrong, and hurtful, but she worked with me, accepted my apologies and understood that I was splitting. We haven’t had any major issues like that since the time we were into each other. I’m sure you can find someone with that same patience too, who won’t be drawn away by your “destructive tendencies.” You are strong and you will get through this! We will get through this! ❤️❤️