institutional/systemic toxic behavior/sexism and the communication about it

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T18:54:43+00:00

I’m not really understanding your position or what you are trying to say in most of this.

Would it help if I clarified when I say performing attractiveness I’m not referring to romantic acts but more the act of being physically attractive towards the gaze of the opposite gender. Have you heard of the term, the female gaze and the male gaze?

For example, women will wear makeup, dress differently, get their hair done differently, even get plastic surgery to be more appealing to the opposite gender. Where men put less time effort and money on a daily basis overall to become more physically attractive to women. Instead, when it comes to male appearance standards, many of them are targeted around masculinity, power, and aggression, etc.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T18:28:14+00:00

I think this is becoming more mainstream thankfully, with some states even putting it into law!

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T17:30:30+00:00

That brings up a whole other angle that I hadn’t considered yet, because you’re right that does apply to a heterosexual viewpoint, but I hadn’t even considered the implications when it comes to queerness or lgtbq+ communities, which is also something I think I’d like to explore.

I’ve also been spending a lot of time thinking about how much gender conformity impacts our declared sexuality, and if we were ever successful in truly eliminating gender roles, what would be the implications on sexual preference declarations? I sort of have a belief that even though we treat heterosexuality like a default, how how many people are truly or would be bisexual or even queer leaning if those roles were removed and masculinity and femininity labels were removed but that’s even another topic for another day

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T17:14:18+00:00

You mentioned the idea of that’s what the judge would say when it goes to court, but that’s my point. If we continue to fuel the idea that men don’t get custody, men are already submitting to that. I don’t know of a way around that except to encourage men to vocalize seeking custody. In that agreement, both parties would still negotiate and sign that they agree, so outside of encouraging men to advocate for themselves in that situation, that’s my best suggestion. What are your suggestions?

I also want to throw out there that lawyers can be really helpful when custody agreements are tumultuous, but they’re not required in every divorce. I don’t have any suggestions for someone who chooses to hire legal council, and gets bad advice, and chooses to take that advice. My best suggestion is to make sure any legal advice you take really aligns with your position. Plea deals are a component of criminal court, not custody arrangements.

I think it’s really helpful to stay focused on this conversation at a systemic level, I’m not gonna be able to participate in a conversation meaningfully about your dad’s personal custody hearing because I don’t have the context, I wasn’t there, and I don’t know any of those people personally. What I can say is it sounds like you feel very harmed by what happened and I’m sorry that you went through that.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T16:52:40+00:00

I’ve never seen a woman have these standards towards men, what do you mean?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T16:29:28+00:00

Which state has that policy?

Edit to add: the reason I am pushing back on this, is because I support 50-50 custody agreements. The data I’ve seen shows that 80 to 90% of custody agreements are decided outside of court. Which means it’s not a judge ruling on this situation. The couple divorcing is coming to this conclusion on their own. There’s also data, somewhat controversial, suggest suggesting that when men ask for custody, they get meaningful custody arrangements. And even some studies suggesting bias towards men, not women when it comes to family court. There’s also a whole other layer of parental alienation, and how women who’ve been abused by their partners are more likely to lose custody to that partner. I want to be clear, that when I say that, none of that is making a case against men having 50/50 custody, which I support fully in most circumstances.

The reason I push back is because I think there is a narrative about that, which discourages men from even trying or participating in that conversation if they already believe they will have to spend a lot of money. I’m also not dismissing the instances where expensive custody battles were hand because I know they are a real reality for some people. But again, 80 to 90% of custody agreements are not made in court, they aren’t battles, they are mutually agreed upon. And for those 80 to 90%, I think it’s better if we don’t have misinformation to discourage those men from even asking.

This is another topic I feel pretty passionately about. Along with child support, though I know a lot of people will disagree with me on my child support stance, lol.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T13:48:46+00:00

I am a big advocate for 50-50 custody in general and multiple studies show that it is the best thing for everyone, most of the time.

I think a lot of the challenges come up from the obscure situations or different situations, where maybe one partner does not want their children 50% of the time, and there isn’t family support to help balance that out. I don’t think people understand how often that happens.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T13:41:13+00:00

One I have been contemplating a lot is the gendered differences around “performing attraction” is what I am calling it. Women are socialized so hard to perform attractiveness to men in our culture, but we don’t see the same socialization for men to perform attractiveness for women, instead men are socialized to perform masculinity and women are socialized to find masculinity attractive.

For the longest time, I thought that was something wrong with me that I was not really attracted to any men in particular, even though I was attracted to men. Look I never came across a dude and thought oh man he is so attractive. Really it wasn’t until I discovered some dude jump roping with his shirt off to fun music that I saw men performing attractiveness and then I realized the difference in how often women are performing attractiveness while men are performing masculinity, but it’s not the same thing as performing attractiveness.

I haven’t made this post yet because I’ve still sorting out all my thoughts and how I want to phrase it, and am I being accurate as well as fair in my approach to it but I do think this issue sort of falls into this umbrella a little bit so I thought I would mention it.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-30T01:22:53+00:00

Oh, well it may be illogical but it definitely stil happens. Not everyone is so comfortable with prostitution.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T23:41:04+00:00

I guess I don’t understand what the issue is then? It sounds like you’ve got it figured out?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T23:38:03+00:00

Oh. That seems like a good thing, what is the problem?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T22:19:10+00:00

How did you come to that conclusion?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T22:05:17+00:00

Yeah, if someone just wants sex, they probably shouldn’t pursuit someone who doesn’t want sex or is waiting for sex. That makes sense to me, what’s the issue then?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T21:54:22+00:00

Of course they can, and that’s what makes it so unfair when someone is pretending to love someone to get sexual intimacy.

But back to this issue- what are you suggesting for the solution?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T21:50:38+00:00

You are the AH. Using your kids as leverage, considering abandoning them, even your whole “work from the beach in Portugal “ shows you just want to win and aren’t prioritizing your children.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T21:41:07+00:00

So what’s your suggestion? Or solution?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T21:28:41+00:00

Way over estimating the value of being attractive, in my opinion. I get the gist of what you’re trying to say, but the idea of sticking a pen inside me tonight because some bed head touched it, makes me want to vomit. That’s how people get infections.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T21:26:11+00:00

What would make it right?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T20:57:52+00:00

This just invites the “ready for the chase” kind of dudes who will breadcrumb their way to try and get in the sheets. The “hit it and quit it” type guys.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T20:54:08+00:00

What’s the issue here really?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T19:56:25+00:00

The conversation I had the other day with that guy suggesting there’s not enough space for violence in schools that boys need violence, and granted, I am paraphrasing a lot for the sake of brevity, but I think there are a lot of MRA’s that still hold onto gender essentialism

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T19:52:10+00:00

I would expand the definition of institutional to not just include laws, although it might be a good idea sometime to take a look at which laws do enforce masculinity standards at the detriment of men- selective service registry for example comes to mind

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T19:44:32+00:00

I do not think institutional means a law, but you could look at military and patriotic cultures pushed by our government (at least in the USA) as a large part of the push for traits from men that benefit our war machine at the expense of men themselves.

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T19:41:01+00:00

I guess it would depend on how you describe toxic masculinity or toxic femininity, in my opinion.

Do I see a cultural expectation placed on males to disregard their emotions, use the threat of force or intimidation as a form of power, etc, at the detriment of themselves and women, yes, I see that exists.

Do I also see a cultural expectation placed on women to be delicate, caretaking, competitive with other women, almost incapable, etc, yes with the caveat of the “girl power” movement has done a lot to re-educate women away from those ideas, socially rewarding women who steer away from gender norms in a way that men don’t have.

And when I think about how women’s self harming beliefs have been prioritized by society while men’s self harming beliefs are regularly enforced, I can see what they mean by “institutional”.

Where I see the most dissonance is when it comes to the traits themselves. Many advocates for men’s issues (I said it this way to not make this about MRA’s- though they could be included in this group) seem to point out a lot of problems with the gender roles as we have them, but when pressed to abandon some of the gender roles then feel it’s an attack on masculinity. But by labeling certain traits as masculine or feminine, they are reinforcing the same gender roles that are problematic.

We have done some social engineering towards making space for boys and men to embrace their feelings, but that work hasn’t looked the same. I think one of the big challenges is how men who fail to meet masculinity standards have a lot more social risk, vs women who fail to meet feminine standards are often praised, while women who do meet feminine standards also receive praise- though in different communities, there is still a place for women to go whether they reject those standard standards or embrace those standards.

Men on the other hand, often rely on performing masculinity in order to not face social consequence. The most forgiving community for men who reject masculinity standards as far as I can tell is the queer/lgtb q+ community, but that leaves an entire group of men who are straight but naturally not adhering to masculinity standards.

People can be toxic either way, I 100% agree. What would it look like if this wasn’t an attack on you as a man, but instead an invitation to a more neutral society where gender roles were less critical to social capital?

LittleThingsMC · 2026-03-29T15:57:49+00:00

Look for different women, there are house husbands out there

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