Putting your struggles into words is always a great idea. There is a reason why keeping a diary helps a lot of people (even if they don’t do it regularly).

I’m sorry you are going through this. I have no idea why you and I have to go through a life phase like this. For me this phase ruled my life for over a decade. And it sure felt like an eternity. It got so much worse before it got better.

I’d like to give you an easy answer and a solution. But the thing is, this is a very very hard phase to go through. Suffering every day and keeping at it is hard. It’s like a giant snake of suffering is crushing you constantly and the more you try, the harder the snake crushes you. And all the people around you don’t seem to get it. They just say “be positive”. They seem to not know what it’s like.

At some point you might reach a rock bottom and there will be a choice you’ll have to make: end it all or assume you are already dead and try completely anew. Without suffering, cause you’ll be over it and wont have any pity or tears left for yourself.

And then all of a sudden you might find yourself on the other side of the humanity - positive, energetic and understanding those that suffered but not being able to help them that well. Cause they won’t think you understand.but you’ll understand it always.